The Post-Obama Nobel Prizes go to ...

The Washington Times Weekly - - Commentary - BY CHARLES HURT

NNEW YORK ow, in this hope­ful Spring of post-par­ti­san, post-racial and post-vi­o­lent times, the world must come to­gether to cel­e­brate all this truth, jus­tice, free­dom and progress with a whole new slate of Nobel Prizes.

But th­ese won’t be just any Nobel Prizes. They will be the Post-Obama Nobel Prizes named, of course, in honor of 2008 Nobel Peace Prize Win­ner and Amer­ica’s great­est pres­i­dent, Barack H. Obama!

To be sure, no easy task this will be with so many great lead­ers to choose from in this con­stel­la­tion of states­men around the world. But for the ben­e­fit of all mankind and his­tor­i­cal pos­ter­ity, we must push on.

Let’s start with the hard­est award. Who in this world is a gi­ant big enough to carry the man­tle of peace be­stowed upon us by 2008 Nobel Peace Prize win­ner Barack H. Obama?

How about Sec­re­tary of State John F. Kerry? It is true that he is per­son­ally re­spon­si­ble for a vast majority of peace in the world to­day — es­pe­cially in the Mid­dle East — cap­ping decades of ex­per­tise dron­ing on and on and on dur­ing Se­nate For­eign Re­la­tions Com­mit­tee hear­ings. The prob­lem is he will prob­a­bly ac­cept the medal, and then later change his mind and throw it away dur­ing a protest out­side the White House.

What about Syr­ian Pres­i­dent Bashar As­sad? He has been won­der­fully ef­fec­tive at elim­i­nat­ing so much dis­cord in the streets of his very own coun­try by us­ing cre­ative and in­vis­i­ble means of co­er­cion that are by no means guilty of dis­crim­i­nat­ing against any­body. The only prob­lem be­ing that Mr. As­sad is not be­ing very kind to the peace-loving Is­lamic State im­mi­grants who have taken up in his beau­ti­ful coun­try.

Un­for­tu­nately, Moam­mar Gad­hafi is dead.

So, to play it safe, we prob­a­bly should just give the Post-Obama Nobel Peace Prize to Pres­i­dent Obama again for all of the wars he has ended and ap­plaud­ing him for the 181 coun­tries in the world he has not bombed, not in­clud­ing the United States.

With that big award out of the way, the rest are ac­tu­ally pretty easy no-brain­ers.

The Post-Obama Nobel Prize in Nu­clear Physics goes to Ira­nian Pres­i­dent Has­san Rouhani for his un­fet­tered ex­pan­sion of cen­trifuges and other nu­clear tech­nolo­gies in the face of wide­spread fur­rowed brows and fin­ger shak­ing and red line-draw­ing from around the world.

The Post-Obama Nobel Prize in Medicine, of course, goes to Thomas Dun­can of Liberia and now Dal­las, who fear­lessly and with­out re­gard for him­self, his loved ones or any­one else on the planet did self­lessly lie and board a plane in Mon­rovia and fly to Dal­las, Texas, to share the Ebola virus with the new world.

It is a story of Love over Death. We will just have to wait and see ex­actly how many deaths his love will have tri­umphed over. If there were a Post-Obama Nobel Prize in Shar­ing, Thomas Dun­can would get that, too.

The Post-Obama Nobel Prize in Lit­er­a­ture goes to E.L. James with her book “Fifty Shades of Gray’’ for fi­nally putting an end to con­ser­va­tives’ war on women by demon­strat­ing to men all over the world once and for all just how women re­ally want to be treated.

Chivalry is fi­nally dead for good! And “No” means “No” — ex­cept in cases where you know she re­ally means “Yes!”

The Post-Obama Nobel Prize in Math­e­mat­ics goes to Jeh John­son of the Depart­ment of Home­land Se­cu­rity for be­ing able to count all the tens of thou­sands of dis­ease-rid­den, par­a­site car­ry­ing, plague-spread­ing il­le­gal chil­dren that have poured over the bor­der this year. The vast majority of grad­u­ates of Chicago Pub­lic Schools can­not count that high.

The Post-Obama Nobel Prize in Com­mu­nity Or­ga­niz­ing goes to none other than first lady Michelle Obama for her ex­tra­or­di­nary suc­cess­ful cam­paign to end fat­ness among Amer­ica’s school chil­dren. What par­ent could have dreamed that all you had to do is or­der schools to start serv­ing chil­dren orange and green veg­etable foods and they will hap­pily gob­ble them all up!

The Post-Obama Nobel Prize in Eco­nomics goes to for­mer Pres­i­dent Jimmy Carter, who taught Amer­ica how to ra­tion gaso­line, wear sweaters, wel­come il­le­gal crim­i­nals from other coun­tries and gen­er­ally de­liver in­suf­fer­able ser­mons of ob­nox­ious piety.

The Post-Obama Nobel Prize in Chem­istry goes to North Amer­ica’s fa­vorite mayor, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford. Well, ob­vi­ously.

And, fi­nally, the Post-Obama Nobel Prize in Physics goes to Al Sharp­ton of MSNBC be­cause he has such great physics ever since he went on a diet and lost 1,300 pounds, only 200 pounds of which was that gi­ant Mercedes de­cal he used to wear on a chain around his neck.

Mr. Sharp­ton’s great physics to­day do not come en­tirely with­out some cost to the rest of us. Sadly, he has also put away all of those mar­velous track suits that used to stretch nearly to the point of split­ting at press con­fer­ences as he de­stroyed po­lice ca­reers, stirred up racial vi­o­lence and black­mailed all of Amer­ica’s great­est com­pa­nies.

Which leads us to one of life’s most en­dur­ing ques­tions: Why is it that peo­ple who ex­er­cise the least al­ways seem to wear ex­er­cise clothes the most? And wear them ev­ery­where they go? Per­haps that is a ques­tion for next year’s Post-Obama Nobel Prize in Physics.

Charles Hurt can be reached at charleshurt@live.com, or on Twit­ter at @charleshurt.

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