Hil­lary, Madam Can­di­date of the Peo­ple, fo­cused on Obama dis­par­ity

The Washington Times Weekly - - Commentary - BY CHARLES HURT

Madam Can­di­date of the Peo­ple was in her mag­i­cal mys­tery con­ver­sion van, fly­ing over the corn­fields of Iowa this week tak­ing en­emy fire. This re­quired eva­sive ma­neu­vers that launched her co­terie of hand­maid­ens, purse­hold­ers and se­cu­rity guards all around the plush leather cabin of the mag­i­cal, age-re­vers­ing van.

Hero­ically, Madam Can­di­date of the Peo­ple fi­nally landed in war-torn Iowa and dodged down the run­way, pocked with mor­tar-blown craters. The mas­ter sor­cer­ess of dis­ap­pear­ing emails and reap­pear­ing Rose Law Firm records then switched her mag­i­cal mys­tery con­ver­sion van from fly­ing mode to driv­ing mode.

With­out re­gard for her own safety or self-re­spect, Madam Can­di­date of the Peo­ple then em­barked on a tour of the mal­nour­ished and im­pov­er­ished urchins of the squalid state of Iowa.

Be­fore ar­riv­ing in Iowa, she and her hand­maiden Huma, don­ning dark sun­glasses, had gone un­der­cover in an Ohio Chipo­tle, un­der­stand­ing that this was sup­posed to be very popular with The Peo­ple. She or­dered some­thing called a bur­rito bowl, also popular among The Peo­ple, es­pe­cially the Mex­i­can-ori­ented ones that are most highly valu­able to any­one in Madam Can­di­date of the Peo­ple’s present line of work.

The Chipo­tle visit was a spec­tac­u­lar suc­cess in that no­body rec­og­nized her and she avoided eye con­tact or other dirty con­tact with any of The Peo­ple of Ohio, which is ev­ery bit as squalid as Iowa.

Granted, she has not ac­tu­ally steered an au­to­mo­bile in 19 years and quite pos­si­bly has never in her life pumped a gal­lon of her own gaso­line, but Madam Can­di­date of the Peo­ple is most at home with The Peo­ple. And she is not run­ning for gas sta­tion at­ten­dant! But that doesn’t mean she wants to talk to them or in­ter­act with them.

Af­ter all, she knows what it is like to be flat broke — whilst ne­go­ti­at­ing a 10-ba­jil­lion-dollar book con­tract about her ex­pe­ri­ences living eight years of mag­nif­i­cent op­u­lence in the world’s most ex­clu­sive man­sion.

Con­spic­u­ously ab­sent from Madam Can­di­date of the Peo­ple’s cam­paign for Fi­nal Coro­na­tion (at last!) was her hus­band, Bubba, who suf­fers from life­long twin mal­adies of a wan­der­ing eye and the even more mys­te­ri­ous Tourette’s phys­i­cal grop­ing syn­drome. There is, Madam Can­di­date of the Peo­ple has learned, no known cure for th­ese two con­di­tions. At least no cure that is widely ac­cepted in mod­ern medicine and clears Con­sti­tu­tional guar­an­tees against cruel and un­usual pun­ish­ment.

But this is all very strange — Bubba’s ab­sence — con­sid­er­ing that nearly ev­ery word of ev­ery page of Madam Can­di­date of the Peo­ple’s re­sume is, specif­i­cally, the word “Bubba.” Ex­cept the parts that go into great de­tail about his wan­der­ing eye and Tourette’s phys­i­cal grop­ing syn­drome, for which Madam Can­di­date of the Peo­ple joined a na­tional sup­port grope. I mean “group.”

Also ab­sent from her long march down the aisle to her coro­na­tion is her pre­de­ces­sor, Obama the Queen Slayer. Not that there is any love lost be­tween the two of them. Af­ter all, Obama the Queen Slayer owes his very name to Madam Can­di­date of the Peo­ple and her most hu­mil­i­at­ing demise at his hands in 2008 when she was a full seven years less old than she is to­day.

The rea­son it is so strange for Obama the Queen Slayer to be ab­sent from Madam Can­di­date of the Peo­ple’s coro­na­tion kick­off is that the only other fig leaf of ex­pe­ri­ence she talks about is the job that Obama the Queen Slayer gave her af­ter she so spec­tac­u­larly lost out on the job she so des­per­ately wanted.

At least she does seem to make ap­par­ent ref­er­ences to Obama the Queen Slayer.

“Amer­i­cans have fought their way back from tough eco­nomic times,” she said in a video mes­sage con­veyed to The Peo­ple by her op­er­a­tives. “But the deck is still stacked in fa­vor of those at the top.”

So, she is say­ing, af­ter eight long and tor­tured years of Obama the Queen Slayer in charge, The Peo­ple are get­ting to­tally hosed. And Madam Can­di­date of the Peo­ple is here to fi­nally put a stop to all the abuse at the hands of Obama the Queen Slayer.

Re­ally, we, The Peo­ple, do not de­serve her!

Charles Hurt can be reached at charleshurt@live.com, and on Twit­ter at @charleshurt.

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