VP de­bate suc­ceeds in bor­ing Amer­ica to death

The Washington Times Weekly - - Commentary - BY CHARLES HURT

FAR­MVILLE, VA. mer­ica, con­sider your­self warned.

If you run Don­ald Trump off from the Amer­i­can po­lit­i­cal scene, you will have ru­ined your last, best chance to Make Amer­ica Great Again and be for­ever con­demned to tor­tur­ously bor­ing po­lit­i­cal de­bates the likes of which we saw here Mon­day night.

Who won? Mike Pence, ob­vi­ously, be­cause he seemed to un­der­stand just how an­noy­ing and te­dious the whole thing was with Tim Kaine con­stantly butting in like a lit­tle loser twerp on the play­ground who has con­fused “hav­ing all the an­swers” with “be­ing cool.”

But who re­ally won? No­body. Ex­cept maybe Ma­jor League Base­ball, which saw a mas­sive surge of starved tele­vi­sion refugees wan­der­ing hope­lessly through the chan­nels, shell­shocked by bore­dom, try­ing to get away from the mind­less blather that was suck­ing the life out of any poor soul who tried to watch the de­bate.

Who won? Cer­tainly not the Amer­i­can peo­ple, who have grown fat and spoiled on the great po­lit­i­cal spec­ta­cle that has been this year’s pres­i­den­tial race. What that de­bate was re­ally miss­ing was a

Ashow­man. Some­one with a sense of tim­ing. Comedic skill. Some dar­ing. Some­one who knows how to de­liver a cut­ting in­sult and sell him­self in any sit­u­a­tion.

What that de­bate lacked was, well, Don­ald Trump.

I mean, that mod­er­a­tor lady was quite pos­si­bly the worst mod­er­a­tor in the his­tory of hu­man dis­agree­ment. She was more lost than the poor viewer who could not un­der­stand any­thing any­one was say­ing as all three in­ter­rupted and overtalked each other.

I don’t know, Mr. Trump would have been a great mod­er­a­tor. Maybe the Com­mis­sion on Pres­i­den­tial De­bates — an in­suf­fer­able outfit of do-gooders ded­i­cated to bor­ing the in­no­cent Amer­i­can voter to death — would ob­ject to such ex­cite­ment on the grounds that it might ben­e­fit one of the can­di­dates over another. Well, it’s no dif­fer­ent than let­ting Lester the Me­dia Mo­lester Holt mod­er­ate a de­bate with Hil­lary Clinton in it. It couldn’t be any more un­fair than what we saw from that mod­er­a­tor lady here in Far­mville.

But, okay, fine, don’t let Mr. Trump mod­er­ate the de­bate. How about let­ting him be time­keeper? He could sit be­tween Howdy Doody Kaine and Glass of Warm Milk Pence and keep track of how much each politi­cian spouted their po­lit­i­cal pablum.

Mr. Trump could make duck lips, close his eyes and nod ap­prov­ingly when Mr. Pence said his po­lit­i­cal words. And when Mr. Kaine made po­lit­i­cal words, Mr. Trump could stop his nod­ding, droop his head a lit­tle and pop open his mouth and eyes.

He would not have to ut­ter a word and the whole thing would be a thou­sand times more in­ter­est­ing.

To be hon­est, the only one who re­ally seemed to en­joy the de­bate was Mr. Kaine’s large left eye­brow. Did you see that thing?

It was jump­ing and danc­ing and flut­ter­ing and at one point strapped on black leo­tards and pink leg­gings and broke into an en­tire yoga rou­tine with arched back hiss­ing cat and down­ward dog and then stretch­ing fruit tree.

Mr. Kaine’s left eye­brow con­sumed so much of Mr. Kaine’s po­lit­i­cal face en­ergy that it threat­ened to en­tirely shut down whole right side of Mr. Kaine’s face, which nearly went com­pletely limp. That poor, flac­cid right eye, hooded by a sleepy and slug­gish eye­brow would go dim as his left eye­brow danced and pirou­et­ted across his po­lit­i­cal fore­head.

The en­thu­si­as­tic eye­brow got so worked up at sev­eral points dur­ing the de­bate that it nearly be­came dis­lodged from Mr. Kaine’s face. It pulled away from his face and stretched open his eye socket so far that it looked like Mr. Kaine’s left eye­ball might just pop out of his po­lit­i­cal head and go rolling around on the Com­mis­sion on Pres­i­den­tial De­bates-ap­proved po­lit­i­cal de­bate ta­ble.

That would cer­tainly have made po­lit­i­cal his­tory and been most un­for­tu­nate for Mr. Kaine and his long-suf­fer­ing fam­ily. But at least it would have been in­ter­est­ing to watch.

Charles Hurt can be reached at charleshurt@live.com; fol­low him on Twitter via @charleshurt.

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