Hints for the end of the world

The Willow Grove Guide - - OPINION -

Is the end of the world at hand?

“Yes!” ac­cord­ing to some — and it’s coming sooner than later. Sp e - cif­i­cally, wa rn th­ese prog­nost i cators, it’s game over in less than two weeks, and as proof point to the end of the Mayan cal­en­dar on 12-21-12 and to the Chi­nese Book of Change.

Hog­wash, I say, among other choice words.

Sure, my foun­da­tion re­cently was rat­tled when the Phillies-Ea­gles-Fly­ers sea­sons fell like domi­noes; Sandy ef­fort­lessly re­moved sid­ing from my house and Elmo was un­masked. And, OK, there’ve been those other at­tempts to solve the time puz­zle, wit­ness Bi­ble pre­dic­tions of the rap­ture and an­tichrist, and the writ­ings of Nostradamus.

But, c’mon, I’m not fall­ing for th­ese apoc­a­lyp­tic fore­casts. Not even fol­low­ing the lat­est dooms­day dec­la­ra­tion.

“The United States and other world gov­ern­ments are well aware of what is coming. They know they won’t be able to pro­tect and as­sist ev­ery­one, so they have devel­oped self-help ma­te­ri­als and web­sites such as Ready.gov and FEMA.gov. Th­ese sites pro­vide valu­able in­for­ma­tion for short-term sur­vival of iso­lated in­ci­dents such as earth­quakes, tor­na­does and hur­ri­canes, but do not ad­dress the real dan­gers that await us,” says www.De­cem­ber212012. com, which de­scribes it­self as the of­fi­cial site for the fi­nal day.

I’m think­ing the “dan­ger that awaits us” is grounded in un­founded and ir­re­spon­si­ble dec­la­ra­tions like that one.

The site, how­ever, de­fends it­self.

“The pur­pose of this web­site is to as­sist and pro­vide you with the nec­es­sary re­sources and in­for­ma­tion to help you pre­pare for and sur­vive a long-term global dis­as­ter.” Balder­dash! But just for fun, let’s say the para­noid doomsayers are right. How best to pre­pare? A few sug­ges­tions: Stock up. Ob­tain non-per­ish­able food, as well as water, bat­ter­ies and other just-can’t-and­won’t-live-with­out-it items. Freeze-dried food might be a good bet and a-one-year sup­ply (no sides or spe­cials) runs $1,995.95 for more than 2T0,000 to­tal calo­ries. Ship­ping is free from De­cem­ber212012.com. Light up. I know what you’re think­ing (and shame on you), but I’m talk­ing about power. Sandy re­cently re­vealed how lost we are with­out TV, com­puter, cell phone and game sys­tem, to say noth­ing about heat, re­frig­er­a­tion and light. (For many, if felt like the end of the world when Sandy un­plugged us). In case the fi­nal day does the same, you’ll need an al­ter­nate source of en­ergy like those gas-pow­ered gen­er­a­tors many hastily pur­chased fol­low­ing the su­per storm. Turns out that pur­chase was a good one af­ter all.

Party like there’s no to­mor­row – be­cause there might not be one.

Since the pre­cise time of day the world ends on the 21st is un­clear, I sug­gest a day-long af­fair - prefer­ably in a place off the ground should flood­ing be in­volved with screens se­cure enough should swarm­ing in­sects be the tac­tic. Have am­ple food and junk be­cause this is no time to diet, and mu­sic like R.E.M.’s “It’s the End of the World as We Know It” and Billy goel’s “We Didn’t Start the Fire.” And, of course, in­vite close friends and fam­ily.

“In those fi­nal mo­ments, you may want to make up for any wrongs you have done to them. Also, you will likely be giv­ing hugs and cry­ing along­side all those present at your 2012 end-of-the-world bash, so you’ll want to make sure that those are the peo­ple you are com­fort­able be­ing your­self around,” sug­gests Erik Wes­ley of Ya­hoo! Con­tribut­ing Net­work.

Should the apoc­a­lyp­tic alarm be real, then nice know­ing you. Oth­er­wise, see you next time.

Greg Vell­ner can be reached at gvell­ner@ver­i­zon.net.

Greg Vell­ner

Guest Colum­nist

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