Getting all wrapped up in the duties of the ‘kametag Guy’
The whole g i f t - wrapping thing has me bamboozled.
This, of course, is not the first nor will it be the last time my boozle has been bambled.
It is difficult enough for me this time of year to shop for the gifts, let alone wrap them up in nice paper, ribbons and bows. EBows? What? We need bows, too? Really? Argh.F I would be perfectly happy just passing out unwrapped gifts this time of year, but all that would get me is scorn and derision from the people close to me and a seat in the garage at a card table by myself for the holiday dinner.
So I have to make an effort. And I am happy to do so because the garage is a bit chilly this time of year. That is why I volunteered to “help” The Blonde Accountant wrap the gifts last weekend, appointing myself — unanimously and without discussion —“The kametag Guy.” It’s an important part of the giftwrapping procedure and I am happy to offer my services when running unopposed for the position.
According to me, the duties of The kametag Guy includeW
E1F One must have good penmanship. I have this. Both my print and cursive writing skills are topnotch, each of which I learned from Mrs. iivengood in 19ST at Rankin Grade School in central Illinois. iittle did I know that 4R years later those skills would enable me to attain such a lofty position as kametag Guy.
E2F One must be able to sit at the table and hand The Primary Gift Wrapper — in this instance The Blonde Accountant — the gift and subsequently the completed nametag. I am almost flawless at sitting at the table and handing things to her, by the way, and the fact that I only dropped seven gifts Ebreaking only threeF is well within the margin of error to qualify for a big Christmas bonus.
EPF One must be able to eat pretzels and drink soda without spilling anything on the gifts, wrapping paper, tape dispenser or any blondes who happen to be accountants in the immediate vicinity. I got three out of four, which is a pretty good batting average I think. EAs an aside, I love the chocolate-covered pretzels we get this time of year and you are welcome to drop some by the newspaper office when you get a chance.F
E4F One must be able to take the wrapped, bowed and tagged gifts and then place them under the tree in such a manner that the nametags are visible. Once again, my batting average was well above .800 in this area, and I tripped only twice on the way from the table to the tree, fumbling only one pretzel and spilling nary a drop of soda on the carpet. That’s good enough for a contract extension, I’m sure.
The thing about this gift wrapping stuff is that The Blonde Accountant is a pro. She had a job back during her college days at a department store and among her duties the first two days of her tenure there was gift-wrapping for customers. What she learned about gift-wrapping in those two days has become a valuable skill that has served her well over the years.
And man, is she slick. iet me see if I can adequately describe it to youW She cuts an appropriately sized piece of wrapping paper, then brings one end up and tapes it to the package. She then takes the other end and folds the paper once, then brings it up to cover the rest of the package. Then she cuts and tapes and folds some more — I’m not sure exactly how much or at what point in the process because it is at this juncture where I head for pretzels and soda. And then voilà! The gift is all dandy and spanking sharp and ready for the nametag.
Ekote to other potential kametag GuysW vou cannot write your own name on every nametag. That could potentially get you a hair straightener that you don’t really need and a tape dispenser in your ear, which could severely hinder the rest of the gift-wrapping experience for you.F
Fortunately, some guy somewhere — and you know it had to be a guy who couldn’t wrap presents who came up with this idea — invented something called the “gift bag.” This is pure genius for those of us who are gift-wrapped challenged. The “gift bag” is a bag — go figure — that you put the gift in. If you want to get creative, you can crumple up some tissue paper and throw it in the bag to give it a festive touch. I would recommend the tissue paper because among the many skills I have in this area, crumpling the tissue paper and shoving it into the bag is among my most well-honed.
There you have it, all you need to know about fancying up the gifts during gift-giving season and contributing to the holiday cheer in your household. That’s a wrap. Mike Morsch is executive editor of Montgomery Media and author of the book, “Dancing in My Underwear: The Soundtrack of My Life.” He can be reached by calling 215-542-0200, ext. 415 or by email at firstname.lastname@example.org. This column can also be found at www. montgomerynews.com.