Get­ting all wrapped up in the du­ties of the ‘kametag Guy’

The Willow Grove Guide - - OPINION -

The whole g i f t - wrap­ping thing has me bam­boo­zled.

This, of course, is not the first nor will it be the last time my boo­zle has been bam­bled.

It is dif­fi­cult enough for me this time of year to shop for the gifts, let alone wrap them up in nice pa­per, rib­bons and bows. EBows? What? We need bows, too? Really? Argh.F I would be per­fectly happy just pass­ing out un­wrapped gifts this time of year, but all that would get me is scorn and de­ri­sion from the peo­ple close to me and a seat in the garage at a card ta­ble by my­self for the hol­i­day din­ner.

So I have to make an ef­fort. And I am happy to do so be­cause the garage is a bit chilly this time of year. That is why I vol­un­teered to “help” The Blonde Ac­coun­tant wrap the gifts last week­end, ap­point­ing my­self — unan­i­mously and with­out dis­cus­sion —“The kametag Guy.” It’s an im­por­tant part of the giftwrap­ping pro­ce­dure and I am happy to of­fer my ser­vices when run­ning un­op­posed for the po­si­tion.

Ac­cord­ing to me, the du­ties of The kametag Guy in­cludeW

E1F One must have good pen­man­ship. I have this. Both my print and cur­sive writ­ing skills are top­notch, each of which I learned from Mrs. iiven­good in 19ST at Rankin Grade School in cen­tral Illi­nois. iit­tle did I know that 4R years later those skills would en­able me to at­tain such a lofty po­si­tion as kametag Guy.

E2F One must be able to sit at the ta­ble and hand The Pri­mary Gift Wrap­per — in this in­stance The Blonde Ac­coun­tant — the gift and sub­se­quently the com­pleted nametag. I am al­most flaw­less at sit­ting at the ta­ble and hand­ing things to her, by the way, and the fact that I only dropped seven gifts Ebreak­ing only threeF is well within the mar­gin of er­ror to qual­ify for a big Christ­mas bonus.

EPF One must be able to eat pret­zels and drink soda with­out spilling any­thing on the gifts, wrap­ping pa­per, tape dis­penser or any blondes who hap­pen to be ac­coun­tants in the im­me­di­ate vicin­ity. I got three out of four, which is a pretty good bat­ting av­er­age I think. EAs an aside, I love the choco­late-cov­ered pret­zels we get this time of year and you are wel­come to drop some by the news­pa­per of­fice when you get a chance.F

E4F One must be able to take the wrapped, bowed and tagged gifts and then place them un­der the tree in such a man­ner that the nametags are vis­i­ble. Once again, my bat­ting av­er­age was well above .800 in this area, and I tripped only twice on the way from the ta­ble to the tree, fum­bling only one pret­zel and spilling nary a drop of soda on the car­pet. That’s good enough for a con­tract ex­ten­sion, I’m sure.

The thing about this gift wrap­ping stuff is that The Blonde Ac­coun­tant is a pro. She had a job back dur­ing her col­lege days at a de­part­ment store and among her du­ties the first two days of her ten­ure there was gift-wrap­ping for cus­tomers. What she learned about gift-wrap­ping in those two days has be­come a valu­able skill that has served her well over the years.

And man, is she slick. iet me see if I can ad­e­quately de­scribe it to youW She cuts an ap­pro­pri­ately sized piece of wrap­ping pa­per, then brings one end up and tapes it to the package. She then takes the other end and folds the pa­per once, then brings it up to cover the rest of the package. Then she cuts and tapes and folds some more — I’m not sure ex­actly how much or at what point in the process be­cause it is at this junc­ture where I head for pret­zels and soda. And then voilà! The gift is all dandy and spank­ing sharp and ready for the nametag.

Ekote to other po­ten­tial kametag GuysW vou can­not write your own name on ev­ery nametag. That could po­ten­tially get you a hair straight­ener that you don’t really need and a tape dis­penser in your ear, which could se­verely hin­der the rest of the gift-wrap­ping ex­pe­ri­ence for you.F

For­tu­nately, some guy some­where — and you know it had to be a guy who couldn’t wrap presents who came up with this idea — in­vented some­thing called the “gift bag.” This is pure ge­nius for those of us who are gift-wrapped chal­lenged. The “gift bag” is a bag — go fig­ure — that you put the gift in. If you want to get cre­ative, you can crum­ple up some tis­sue pa­per and throw it in the bag to give it a fes­tive touch. I would rec­om­mend the tis­sue pa­per be­cause among the many skills I have in this area, crum­pling the tis­sue pa­per and shov­ing it into the bag is among my most well-honed.

There you have it, all you need to know about fan­cy­ing up the gifts dur­ing gift-giv­ing sea­son and con­tribut­ing to the hol­i­day cheer in your house­hold. That’s a wrap. Mike Morsch is ex­ec­u­tive ed­i­tor of Mont­gomery Me­dia and au­thor of the book, “Danc­ing in My Un­der­wear: The Sound­track of My Life.” He can be reached by call­ing 215-542-0200, ext. 415 or by email at msquared35@ya­ This col­umn can also be found at www. mont­

Mike Morsch

Outta Left­field

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