What ‘13 Reasons Why’ lacks: parenting

Since the debut of 13 Reasons

Why on Netflix, and now with plans for a second season, public officials and parents have expressed concerns that the series glamorizes suicide and may trigger vulnerable teens struggling with mental illness. But we should really be talking about the parents. Some of the show’s lessons on parenting — or lack thereof — could prove valuable.

Suicide is the third leading cause of adolescent deaths, and parents have a duty to identify the signs and symptoms to help guide distressed teens toward appropriate treatments.

Hannah, the protagonist of the show, takes her life and leaves behind 13 audiotapes that describe how peers and school officials failed her and were ultimately responsible for her suicide. Her parents are blindsided and spend the first season trying to decipher her motives. They had little insight into her struggles, and via flashbacks, we see myriad misplaced sentiments and missed opportunities for discussion.

On the night of a dance, they give her a car so she can drive friends they’ve never met. They fail to talk to her about drugs or sex. In another example, after Hannah loses a valuable cash deposit, her mother simply says, “It’s fine.” Hannah then goes to a party where she is raped. Yet her mother and father are the show’s most informed and communicative parents.

Clay, an anxious teen and one of Hannah’s romantic interests, receives her tapes at the start of the show. It’s not until the last episode, by which point Clay has been forced to chug a beer, been beaten, keyed someone’s car and contemplated suicide, that he finally tells his parents about the tapes. Meanwhile, though they recognize his suffering, they do nothing but fill old anti-anxiety medications for him. Another of Hannah’s friends, Alex, has a father whose interactions with his son are robotic and militant. Throughout the series, Alex, like Clay, begins to mentally deteriorate, but unlike Clay, Alex has access to his father’s gun cabinet.

Cyber bullying is prevalent in the show, but parents are never portrayed scrolling through their teens’ texts or social media accounts. Parenting today requires close supervision, effective limitsetting and social media monitoring. Parents must be vigilant about their teens’ online presence, which includes familiarizing themselves with apps and friending their teens online.

But what is most important for parents — and lacking in 13 Rea

sons Why — is curiosity. Curiosity about teens’ friends, hobbies, homework or hairstyle choices. Parents too often dismiss their teens’ emotions as entitled, or their school-related struggles as trite, which leads to teens feeling misunderstood and alone.

Last week, I talked with a young adult who told me his depression began in eighth grade, when he was bullied about his weight. 13 Reasons Why was fresh on my mind. I asked how the bullying has impacted his life. He looked at me, and finally replied that if someone had asked him then, he wouldn’t be here now.