It’s not fair my toddler gets to melt down and I don’t. It’s NOT FAIR NOT FAIR NOT FAIR.
“We wish!” reactions to everyday work and home annoyances.
Person Running Tuesday’s Sales Call: Hey! Just reminding you about that 4:45 conference call! Want to make sure you’re there for it so everyone on the team is on the same page!
Me: NO NO NOOOOOOO! *throws self onto floor and cries into low-pile acrylic carpeting* I don’t want to be on the sales call! You don’t … *sniff * You don’t even need me on the call to *sniff * say anything. You always say it’ll be short, but these calls always take at least 45 minutes because Michael never stops talking! *continuous sobbing*
Person Running Tuesday’s Sales Call: Now let’s be reasonable. Can we please be reasonable?
Me: *emits unbelievably high-pitched shriek while kicking the base of someone’s desk* I AM BEING REASONABLE! *pushes swivel chair angrily into middle of open-plan office space where it does not hit anything because of the sparsity of the furnishings* I WANT TO GO HOME AT 5 BECAUSE I WORKED HARD ALL DAY AND THERE IS NO REASON FOR ME TO BE ON THIS CONFERENCE CALL WHEN THIS IS NOT EVEN MY DEPARTMENT. I WANT TO GO HOME! I WANT TO GO HOME!
Spouse: Hey, if you get a chance to do laundry tonight or tomorrow, I’m not sure I have any clean undershirts.
Me: *violently kicks over wicker clothes hamper* I DON’T WANNA! I DON’T WANNA! I DON’T WANNA DO THAT. *tears stream down cheeks* NOOOOOOOOOOOOO. YOU’RE A GROWN PERSON WITH TWO MASTER’S DEGREES WHO CAN FIGURE OUT HOW TO USE A WASHING MACHINE. I DON’T WANNAAAAA! *screams and cries*
Spouse: Whoa, what’s going on? Let’s try to calm down.
Me: I DON’T WANT TO CALM DOWN. *rivulets of tears and snot run down face* I WANNA DO ONLY MY LAUNDRY! *repeatedly hits front of washing machine with palms of hands* *flings detergent at wall* I WORKED OVER EIGHT HOURS TODAY AND IT’S NOT FAIR I HAVE TO DO THE LAUNDRY AND YOU DON’T HAVE TO DO IT! IT’S NOT FAIR! I DON’T WANNA DO THE— *voice becomes so shrill and high-pitched that words are no longer decipherable.*
Daycare Provider: Thank you for calling to let us know you were stuck on a conference call that ran long. Just a reminder that you were still 16 minutes late picking up Samuel, so you’ll be charged an extra $16.
Me: AAAHHHH *kicks reclaimed barnwood shoe cubby* NO NO NO, NOT FAIR NOT FAIR NOT FAIR *kicks receptionist’s Herman Miller Aeron chair* *angrily tears decorations off Dr. Seuss’ birthday mural* *kicks and knocks over sand and water sensory table* *hurls shoe across the room*
Daycare Provider: We do not tolerate this sort of behavior. Use your words.
Me: *takes deep breath* Pardon me. With all due respect, after the week I’ve had, most of the words I’m thinking you would probably rather not hear.