• The Drudge Report posted a poll showing that Oprah Winfrey would be a strong candidate for the Democratic presidential nomination. She’d be fun. If Oprah were president, the U.S. would lose money, then gain money, then lose money, then gain back the money and finally blame it all on bread.
• The National Retail Federation forecast the economic boom will translate into huge sales this Christmas season as goods are being rushed to department store counters. Even the Vatican is rumored to be releasing a women’s perfume fragrance made with holy water. It’s called Eau My God.
• Forbes reports that Apple’s new iPhone X will be available in only a limited supply this year because it’s difficult to mass produce the facial recognition camera. Who needs all these features? A new LG phone emits powerful electronic waves that keep mosquitoes away from your brain tumor.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and a speaker. His email address is argus@ argushamilton.com.