• The Drudge Re­port posted a poll show­ing that Oprah Win­frey would be a strong can­di­date for the Demo­cratic pres­i­den­tial nom­i­na­tion. She’d be fun. If Oprah were pres­i­dent, the U.S. would lose money, then gain money, then lose money, then gain back the money and fi­nally blame it all on bread.

• The National Re­tail Fed­er­a­tion fore­cast the eco­nomic boom will trans­late into huge sales this Christ­mas sea­son as goods are be­ing rushed to depart­ment store coun­ters. Even the Vatican is ru­mored to be re­leas­ing a women’s per­fume fra­grance made with holy wa­ter. It’s called Eau My God.

• Forbes re­ports that Ap­ple’s new iPhone X will be avail­able in only a lim­ited sup­ply this year be­cause it’s dif­fi­cult to mass pro­duce the fa­cial recog­ni­tion cam­era. Who needs all these fea­tures? A new LG phone emits pow­er­ful elec­tronic waves that keep mos­qui­toes away from your brain tu­mor.

Ar­gus Hamil­ton is the host co­me­dian at The Com­edy Store in Hol­ly­wood and a speaker. His email ad­dress is ar­gus@ ar­gushamil­

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