My girl­friend has a tem­per

Sunday News (Zimbabwe) - - Front Page -

Send your sms to 0773111328 or 0772115830 or write to Sis Noe, Sun­day News, Box 585, Bu­l­awayo. You can also fol­low Sis Noe on http://sis­noe. blogspot.com MY boyfriend and I were go­ing to have sex for the first time the other day. It was my first time but he has done it be­fore. I was not ner­vous or any­thing but he couldn’t get in at all. Why did this hap­pen?

Re­ply

You need to be re­laxed and be­fore your boyfriend tries to en­ter you, it is good to start by hav­ing fore­play, like touch­ing, kiss­ing, mas­tur­bat­ing each other or hav­ing oral sex. All of these things help you to feel ex­cited. Some po­si­tions might be eas­ier than oth­ers too if you ex­per­i­ment with dif­fer­ent po­si­tions, don’t keep try­ing one if it’s a painful one. It is also pos­si­ble that your hy­men has not stretched yet and this is why you have not been able to have sex.

It may also be be­cause of tight vagi­nal mus­cles in re­sponse to sex. This is called vagin­is­mus: an in­vol­un­tary spasm of vagi­nal mus­cles. It some­times hap­pens when a per­son is feel­ing wor­ried about hav­ing sex, is not re­ally sure if it’s the right thing to do, or is wor­ried about the risk of preg­nancy. If you can’t in­sert a fin­ger or tam­pon in your vagina it would be a good idea to see a doc­tor and have an ex­am­i­na­tion and find out if there is any hy­men there or if there is an­other cause, such as vagin­is­mus. The best place to try would be a fam­ily plan­ning or sex­ual health clinic, but any doc­tor you feel com­fort­able would be fine. If you are think­ing about hav­ing sex, you also need to think about pro­tect­ing your­self from STIs and un­wanted preg­nancy.

I don’t know what is wrong with me. I have never en­joyed sex and I don’t feel a thing. Am I nor­mal? — Wor­ried.

Re­ply

Sex­ual ex­pe­ri­ences re­flect the con­nec­tion of the mind and the body. What goes on in the mind is af­fected not only by what is go­ing on sex­u­ally and non-sex­u­ally be­tween part­ners, but by ev­ery­thing that has gone on in a woman’s life. Some­times even ex­pe­ri­ences from child­hood can be rel­e­vant. This means that what you feel when your body is be­ing stim­u­lated by your part­ner depends not only on the part­ner’s skill, gen­tle­ness, care and abil­ity to be guided by your needs, but also by what is go­ing on in your mind while this is go­ing on. Is your mind set­tled? Were you once raped? Were you raised by par­ents who taught you that sex is bad? All these and more could be the rea­son you don’t en­joy sex. Go to the doc­tor to find out what’s wrong with you.

My boyfriend and I have been to­gether for three years. We break up and make up all the time. We love each other and are happy to­gether, but our sex life has be­come mo­not­o­nous; the same thing ev­ery time, and it’s over rather quickly. I try but he is not even try­ing to make it work. Is he just not that into me any­more or is there any­thing I can do to make us both feel sexy again?

Re­ply

You care for each other, but it sounds as if you have be­come more like good friends than lovers. Some­times re­la­tion­ships go through pe­ri­ods where there is lit­tle or no sex, but usu­ally there is a rea­son such as ex­haus­tion af­ter the birth of a baby, a stress­ful job, re­dun­dancy or a death in the fam­ily. Maybe af­ter get­ting back to­gether it felt ex­cit­ing at first, but that has not been sus­tained. You need to dis­cuss this with your boyfriend, and find out why he no longer re­sponds when you try to re­cap­ture your ex­cit­ing sex life. It may be that part of him wants to play the field, and maybe you do too. If he is not pre­pared to try to reignite your sex life, I don’t think this re­la­tion­ship has a fu­ture. Hi Sis Noe

My girl­friend has a tem­per and thinks noth­ing of in­sult­ing me. In pri­vate and in pub­lic, I am re­peat­edly told that I am stupid and fat, yet she still ex­pects me to rise to the oc­ca­sion and make her happy. Other peo­ple don’t have re­la­tion­ships like this. Where am I go­ing wrong?

Re­ply

It sounds like it’s time for some home truths. Firstly, your part­ner needs to hear that un­less she stops act­ing like a brat, this re­la­tion­ship is over. Se­condly, you need to ask your­self why you have been putting up with this treat­ment. Choose your mo­ment, be calm but firm and read her the riot act. By stand­ing up for your­self, you may win back her re­spect and she may change her tune. Al­ter­na­tively, you might find the sel­f­re­spect and con­fi­dence needed to end this re­la­tion­ship and find some­one who de­serves you.

I was a vir­gin but I did not bleed when I had sex with my hus­band.

Re­ply

Not all women bleed when they have sex for the first time. Vagi­nal bleed­ing from first time in­ter­course typ­i­cally oc­curs when a woman’s hy­men tears. The hy­men is a thin layer of tis­sue that cov­ers part of a woman’s vagi­nal en­trance. Although the tis­sue it­self is thin, it is filled with blood ves­sels — that is why tear­ing the hy­men can lead to bleed­ing. Among women who no­tice bleed­ing when they first have sex, some no­tice only a small amount of bleed­ing and oth­ers no­tice a sig­nif­i­cant amount. How­ever, some girls are not born with much hy­men tis­sue at all and so when they are older and have vagi­nal in­ter­course for the first time, they don’t no­tice much bleed­ing, if they no­tice any at all. Other times girls are born with a typ­i­cal amount of hy­men but the hy­men tears dur­ing child­hood or ado­les­cence with­out them even re­al­is­ing it. A young woman may tear her hy­men while wash­ing her vagina by in­sert­ing her fin­ger or fin­gers or an­other ob­ject. Also, a young woman may tear her hy­men while be­ing fin­gered by her part­ner as part of sex play. Even tam­pon use may help to wear away parts of the hy­men over time. Sports that re­quire a lot of leg work, run­ning, rid­ing a bi­cy­cle can cause the hy­men to tear. In other words, there are sev­eral rea­sons why you did not bleed dur­ing your first sex­ual in­ter­course but that doesn’t mean that you were not a vir­gin. I hope this is help­ful.

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