‘The first time I wrote about abuse it felt like I was back in room with my tormentor but it has been therapeutic’
Former SAS man Colin Maclachlan was worried about how his warts-and-all book would be received but says fellow veterans were full of support for him
Like a lot of memoirs by former Special Forces soldiers, Colin Maclachlan’s book starts with a tense anecdote. He describes being locked in a room, tied up, and plotting his escape.
He knows his meals are brought to him on trays so, as his captor approaches, the bruised and beaten Colin steels himself to launch a bid for freedom.
The Scottish former SAS man isn’t about to tackle an Iraqi or Afghan jailor, though. He is instead describing his childhood.
In The Pilgrim, Colin, who would go on to serve on dangerous missions in Iraq and Sierra Leone, recounts his difficult childhood in the small village of Woolfords in South Lanarkshire.
His book contains his recollections of physical abuse, as well as sexual assault at the hands of a family friend, before he was shipped off to the Army at 15. Colin would go on to join the elite Regiment and was involved in a daring hostage rescue, before himself being captured by Saddam Hussein’s bodyguards.
“The first time I wrote about the abuse, it almost felt like I was back in that room,” said Colin. “It’s the same with stuff that happened later, being a hostage myself.
“I do public speaking about this sort of thing and the more I’ve written and spoken about it, the more remote that version of Colin is. He has become like a guy I used to know. The emotional side of the trauma becomes more distant. Writing and speaking about my experiences has been therapeutic. When you write an autobiography, it’s got to be warts and all.”
The man who sexually abused him decades ago when he was 12 has, so far, had a lucky escape, added Colin. But by his own admission he has been worried about opening up in the pages of his memoir.
Many of his friends are ex-forces and he pondered how revealing his troubled background would be received among fellow veterans.
“I’ve had some messages from people through DMs saying: ‘I was dealing with certain stuff and your story resonated with me,’” added Colin. “Some of these guys are genuinely hard, solid blokes, and some of them said they were crying one minute and laughing the next.”
Colin joined the Royal Scots in 1989 before enduring the gruelling SAS selection procedure aged 23. He served for nine years with the Regiment.
Accounts of incidents in the SAS – including a bold rescue of 11 soldiers of the Royal Irish Regiment held captive by rebels in Sierra Leone, and his own capture in Iraq while escorting intelligence personnel – led to a protracted legal battle with the Ministry of Defence, which blocked publication of The Pilgrim for a decade because it revealed operational secrets.
In 2016 Colin was embroiled in a controversy when newspaper reports claimed he had admitted to “mercy killings” of wounded enemy soldiers. He strenuously denied admitting shooting wounded
soldiers and, after an investigation, the MoD dismissed the accusations.
“People I knew believed the ‘mercy killings’ reports, but none of it was true,” he said. “Then I received death threats, we had police posted outside my front door. I wasn’t home but my partner was. I didn’t do it, and I didn’t say it, but it landed me in no end of hot water.”
Colin experienced PTSD after his time in the armed forces and after leaving the military co-founded the charity Who Dares Cares, which works with veterans experiencing mental health issues.
“I think if you’re successful in any field, whether it’s the military or sport, and you come out the other side, you should try to give something back,” he said.
“If it’s children’s panels, stress for veterans or suicide awareness, you’re more likely to spend long hours to do it.”
Colin’s younger brother John tragically took his own life. Since then Colin has gone on to help veterans who are close to suicide.
“On the day my brother went missing, his room was spotless,” he said. “His calmness in doing that was scary.
“I tell people I speak to about suicide that you’ll regret it. I know what it feels like. When I was at my low point, there seems to be no rationale for what you’re doing. Trust me, I get it. But there is help for you. There isn’t enough of it, and we need to do more.”
His PTSD means he experiences sleeplessness and hypervigilance: looking for danger in normal situations. He will check for exits when entering an unfamiliar room, and size up people for threats.
“It’s something that comes along every now and again. It’s fine when I’ve had a good sleep. If I lose a couple of nights to bad sleep I start getting clumsy, and I’ll have to take melatonin or do breathing exercises.
“On the other hand I don’t want to give up my vigilance. It’s a practical skill.”
When it comes to dealing with pressure, Colin believes a generation of men are struggling. Men’s mental health is now a topic openly discussed, although he believes perhaps rather than too much stress, many young men aren’t experiencing enough of it.
“What’s changed maybe is the ability to suffer,” he said. “Think back to the war period, 15-year-olds were sent to the front line. Men were breadwinners and decision makers. A lot of that has gone now.
“When people do have to suffer it feels like there’s an immediate urge to take it away in case it harms their mental health. My opinion is it’s a bit like the immune system, if you’re not exposed to germs then you’re susceptible to colds and flus. If you’re not exposed to pressure then you can’t handle a crisis.
“Now a crisis is not getting a pay rise, or you can’t have luxuries you see on social media. You see young men trying to compare their lives with influencers. We’ve probably got some pretty poor male – and female – role models on social media promoting what they think our expectations should be.”
As well as his role as an instructor on Channel 4’s SAS: Who Dares Wins, video game fans may also recognise Colin. He is the motion capture actor for Scottish developer Rockstar’s smash-hit games, including Grand Theft Auto and the Red Dead Redemption series. His work can be seen when players control iconic characters like Trevor Phillips or Arthur Morgan.
“There’s a good chance you’ve killed me many times,” added Colin. He auditioned in 2008 by beating up a dummy with a baseball bat in the middle of Rockstar’s offices in Edinburgh.
“At the end I went a bit mental, I started smashing up the dummy,” he laughed. “Bits of chair were flying everywhere. I thought I’d gone too far, but people stood up and started clapping…”
Now aged 51, Colin admitted stuntwork isn’t as easy as it used to be. Recently he ended up in a cold bath after a week falling off scaffolding.
To ease the physical pain of the day job he plays golf and last week shot a round at Royal Troon.
“I’m getting older,” he added. “I suppose I don’t get as excited about things as I used to. But I don’t get as angry, either. The MoD tried to ban the book for so long. There’s been years of nonsense so I’m not that excited about it, which is a bit sad.
“I played that round at Troon last week and thought: ‘You know what? This isn’t a bad day.’ I’m not going to get angry on a day when I’m lucky enough to do something like that.”
The Pilgrim by Colin Maclachlan, published by Pen & Sword, is out now.