A TAMPERPROOF TRADITION
“Changing the condition of the match ball” is now regarded as serious stuff? The Grade Cricketer has something to say about that.
Ball tampering is now serious stuff. Less so for The Grade Cricketer.
Law 41.3 of the MCC’s Laws of Cricket identifies “changing the condition of the match ball” as an extremely grave offence. So grave, in fact, that it can now fetch you a six-Test ban from the ICC – and even more from your national cricket board, depending on the level of moral panic that is triggered.
Click-bait commentators described the ball-tampering scandal as one of the worst things to ever happen in the history of cricket. Let’s not get carried away – that top honour belongs to whoever thought it was a good idea to play “walk-on songs” for incoming batters in T20s. But in terms of genuine on-field indiscretions, the sorry events of Cape Town don’t come close to the worst ever.
W.G. Grace – arguably the game’s most iconic figure – once picked up the bails after being clean bowled, and nonchalantly resumed batting. He also once told an umpire, who gave him out LBW, “The people have come to see me bat, not you umpire.” Grace’s win-at-all-costs alpha exploits make Smith, Warner and Bancroft look positively beta. A bit of sandpaper versus a flagrant disregard for black-letter law and
authority? No comparison. But Grace was charismatic and boasted a particularly luxurious beard, so good luck to him. For a bloke with a terrible rig and no back-lift, who batted in a business shirt with suspenders to keep his pants from falling down, he commanded a surprising amount of respect.
Really, anyone who says they haven’t altered the fundamental properties of a cricket ball on at least one occasion is a bald-faced liar. I’ve put the ball in the refrigerator for an entire week, fully aware it provides no tangible benefit. I paid my apprentice brother-in-law $20 to use his buffering machine for an hour to smoothen up the shiny side. I’ve even stealthily substituted the 156-gram ball for a 142-gram two-piecer Red King hidden down at fine leg (in my opinion, the greatest scam since racing’s Fine Cotton scandal). We still got beaten outright that day, but it was nice to feel “something”, albeit fleetingly. At the amateur level, it’s not a question of whether to tamper, but making sure you do it in the silliest, least evidencebased way possible.
I’d personally like to see the complete removal of clause 41.3 from the Laws of Cricket. Ever wondered how fast the 100m men’s final would be if they stopped testing for drugs? I guarantee the failing IAAF would get a lot more people through the gates if Justin Gatlin did the 100 in 5.6 seconds. Same with Test cricket, which – as we are constantly told – is dying.
If the ICC had any vision for the game, they’d legalise tampering and be done with it. Crowds for dead-rubber Test matches would rise significantly if players could place an angle grinder behind the wicket-keeper. Sure, I guess you could still penalise the team five runs if the ball hits it, but less red tape the better, in my view. Might even allow Cricket Australia to pick up yet another category-specific sponsor while they’re at it – the Official Hand-Held Power
Tool Partner of the Australian Men’s Domestic Test Series.
From a commercial perspective, it just makes sense.
I’VE PUT THE BALL IN THE REFRIGERATOR FOR AN ENTIRE WEEK, FULLY AWARE IT PROVIDES NO TANGIBLE BENEFIT.