Shutdown
Ten tech items you have to live without… because you’ll invariably lose all of them
1/
Controllers
In this connected age, everything’s supposed to just sync and stream seamlessly, isn’t it? So why do we still need a remote to switch the telly to AV1, the PlayStation’s DualShock to turn on your console and a Foxtel remote to record Game of Thrones? And we haven’t seen the Apple TV’s chewing gum-sized control for weeks… Right! Up come the sofa cushions for the sixth time today. No wonder Dad looks so smug that he keeps all these things in a little drawer. Of course, a universal controller could sort this all out… if it wasn’t the least fashionable gadget in the whole of tech.
2/ Your good sunglasses
If your sunnies have a designer label and cost more than a day’s pay, they’ll either be left in a pub, train or hotel room within a year, if not ripped apart by a toddler. Conversely, that $10 pair of “Ray-Bam Wayfairers” you bought from a weekend market stall will be buried with you.
3/ SIM tools
As soon as you open the box of your new iPhone 6, remember to grab the little SIM card remover and chuck it on the carpet, where it will vanish instantly into another realm. It’s going to happen anyway, so you may as well be in control of your own destiny. Phones should really come with a paper clip or safety pin, as that’s what everyone actually uses.
4/ Batteries
No matter how many times you buy a fresh supply of AAs, as soon as you actually need a couple, every packet in the house is empty. Even if you live alone. But you won’t throw the packet out, though, no no no: you’ll need that for putting the used batteries in.
5/ Trimmer brush
Every time you buy a new shaving contraption you make a promise to yourself to always keep the little vial of oil, the plastic cover and little cleaning brush together. You even buy a stylish little toilet bag to put everything in, too. But like a magic trick, zip up that stylish little bag, immediately unzip and… Abracadabra! The plastic cover is now for a different shaver and the brush has gone. The oil’s still there, but you don’t know what it’s for anyway.
6/ Very important software
One day you’ll go to open a familiar and exceedingly crucial application on your laptop. Could be Microsoft Word, could be Garageband. You’ll scan the dock, shortcuts or “Recently Used” lists quickly a couple of times, then again slowly about five times. But it won’t be there. It won’t be anywhere. Bloody Calculator, Stickies and Clock will still be present and correct, though, mocking you silently from their rarely touched little squares.
7/ Passwords
The same old collection of letters and digits you’ve used all your life is suddenly not strong enough for a new service. Which means adding an arbitrary number or symbol to the end and then forgetting it immediately forever. Of course, rather than click on the most frustrating option in all of Internetland – “Forgotten your password again have you, hmm?” – you decide to never use the service ever again. Sorry, bank.
8/ Earbuds
When pulled lazily from your pocket, your in-ear headphones navigate loose change and keys to finally pop from your jeans with one earbud missing. The little box of spares they came with has long since tumbled into the abyss, hand in hand with all your cufflinks and drill bits. Right… time to buy a new pair of headphones.
9/ Warranties
You happen upon this Important Paper every day for two years among files you actually need. Then your TV/blender/ Bluetooth toothbrush conks out and it’s gone, leaving you searching the Pile of Important Papers in your study in despair, screaming, “It was here! I’ve seen it here!” before accusing your partner of throwing it away. Could your warranty really have folded itself up into a paper aeroplane and made a bid for freedom? You will never know.
10/ Travel adaptors
The granddaddy of all lost things. It’s estimated that in every household in Australia you’re always within one foot of a travel adaptor but, as with suitcase padlocks, you’ll never ever actually see one outside of an airport terminal. Ever.