How can I revive my lawn?

Let Guru tell you a secret: he did not open the door to the rear grounds of Guru Towers even once between November and late March. Not to pick up the patio furniture strewn over the lawn by the wind. Not to clear up the toys dumped there by Gurus Jr and II, or to let in a mewling cat too lazy to go around to the front door. And certainly not for any hard work.

Now that the sun is shining (and Guru is unable to leave his grounds owing to nature’s cruel whims) he’s begrudgingly restarted garden duties. His custom lawnmower shed (a Keter Artisan 11x7) contains one

Afancy orange ride-on Stihl RT 4082 for his largest lawns, a petrolpowered Hyundai HYM510SPE for when he wants to threaten those smaller lawns with something that looks like it escaped from a Transformers film, and Honda’s excellent robotic Miimo HRM310 for those regular moments when Guru would much rather sit on his rear

ABOVE

The grass is always greener? That’s because the other side listened to Guru than actually do anything manual.

GaGu has spoken before of the benefits of the scarifier, basically a balls-out bladed turborake that turns the horizontal cut of the lawnmower vertical and rips up all your undergrowth at the start of the season – the Bosch AVR 1100 seems to be the best around. Sure, you’ll kick yourself for spending $350 on one, but you’ll unkick yourself later when your grass has been given enough light and nitrogen to grow without the moss hogging it all. Slap some seed down, stop worrying, and enjoy.

Now that the sun is shining (and Guru is unable to leave his grounds) he’s begrudgingly restarted garden duties