Honest answers to your most private questions
Q. Sometimes I get the urge to bite my mate during sex. Is that OK?
A. Oh, hey there, Dracula! Your desire to nibble on your S.O. is actually pretty common and can be super titillating for both parties, says sex therapist Neil Cannon. Way back in 1953, Alfred Kinsey, the OG of sex research, discovered that 55 per cent of women and 50 per cent of men found it erotically stimulating to be lightly bitten. You can thank pure animalistic lust and/or the alluring BDSM aspect of using your teeth. ‘When pain is inflicted during consensual sexual experiences, endorphins are released, and that can convert pain to pleasure,’ explains Cannon. As long as you have your partner’s permission, go ahead and gnaw a bit – but don’t break skin, obviously.
Q. I heard that you can use bottled water as a lube substitute. True?
A. Lala Kent of Vanderpump Rules apparently does this (she dishes about it on a ‘Secrets Revealed’ episode). But pure H2O is not an ideal lubricant. ‘It will be rapidly absorbed and dry up,’ says gynaecologist Tami Rowen. ‘It may help with entry, but even then it is not particularly lubricating and probably won’t work for people who don’t already have a natural wetness.’ You’re much better off sticking with a legit lube that’s meant for increasing gliding during sex.
Q. My partner has no idea how to go down on me. How do I teach him?
A. Rather than launch into criticisms, start with a positive and say what he’s doing right (as in, ‘I like it when you lick me lightly’). ‘Good feedback can be a real turnon and something that will make him more open to future suggestions,’ says social psychologist Justin Lehmiller. Next, ask for what you want: ‘It’d be so hot if you moved your tongue from side to side.’ When he tries it out, let him know you are ohsoglad he did (‘yesss! ’).
Q. Is it normal to fantasise about having a threesome?
A. Of course! Almost everyone (male and female alike) has thought about group sex, says Lehmiller, who surveyed more than 4,000 people about their sexual fantasies for his new book, Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life. ‘We have a tendency to grow bored with sexual routines, and group sex offers possibilities for switching things up,’ he says. Plus, everyone wants to feel desired, and adding a third partner (even in your imagination) could be a way to get more attention.
Q. Um, I think a condom is still stuck inside me! What should I do?
A. Don’t freak. First, try reaching up there and doing a sweep with your finger to see if you can get it out, says gynaecologist Allison Hill. If that doesn’t work, make an appointment with your gyno. If you are not on birth control and don’t want to get pregnant, make sure to take an overthecounter emergency contraceptive within 72 hours (the sooner the better). And if you haven’t had the STI talk with your partner, you should both get tested now.
Q. The guy I started hooking up with told me he’s bisexual. Does this change things in the bedroom?
A. A man being bi doesn’t mean he’ll be any less committed or attentive to you or your needs between the sheets, says clinical sexologist Sunny Rodgers. It also doesn’t mean that his sexual preferences will be fixated on anal pleasure. That said, it’s always crucial to practise safe sex with any partner. ‘Ensure that condoms are always used,’ says Rodgers. ‘If you two have had unprotected sex at any point, then you must be tested for STIs as soon as possible.’ Going forward, if you’re concerned about anything, ask him questions – he’s obviously already comfortable sharing with you.
Q. How can I clean up after sex quickly and get back to cuddling?
A. You’re in luck: ‘Vaginas are selfcleansing,’ says gynaecologist Yvonne Bohn. It’s more important to pee right after sex to f lush out UTIcausing bacteria that may have been pushed into your urethra. Then wipe any fluids off yourself or your boo with a clean washcloth and warm water before jumping back into the snuggle zone.
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