Sex Q&A

Hon­est an­swers to your most pri­vate ques­tions

Cosmopolitan (Australia) - - Contents -

Q. Some­times I get the urge to bite my mate dur­ing sex. Is that OK?

A. Oh, hey there, Drac­ula! Your de­sire to nib­ble on your S.O. is ac­tu­ally pretty com­mon and can be su­per tit­il­lat­ing for both par­ties, says sex ther­a­pist Neil Can­non. Way back in 1953, Al­fred Kin­sey, the OG of sex re­search, dis­cov­ered that 55 per cent of women and 50 per cent of men found it erot­i­cally stim­u­lat­ing to be lightly bit­ten. You can thank pure an­i­mal­is­tic lust and/or the al­lur­ing BDSM as­pect of us­ing your teeth. ‘When pain is in­flicted dur­ing con­sen­sual sex­ual ex­pe­ri­ences, en­dor­phins are re­leased, and that can con­vert pain to plea­sure,’ ex­plains Can­non. As long as you have your part­ner’s per­mis­sion, go ahead and gnaw a bit – but don’t break skin, ob­vi­ously.

Q. I heard that you can use bot­tled wa­ter as a lube sub­sti­tute. True?

A. Lala Kent of Van­der­pump Rules ap­par­ently does this (she dishes about it on a ‘Se­crets Re­vealed’ episode). But pure H2O is not an ideal lu­bri­cant. ‘It will be rapidly ab­sorbed and dry up,’ says gy­nae­col­o­gist Tami Rowen. ‘It may help with en­try, but even then it is not par­tic­u­larly lu­bri­cat­ing and prob­a­bly won’t work for peo­ple who don’t al­ready have a nat­u­ral wet­ness.’ You’re much bet­ter off stick­ing with a le­git lube that’s meant for in­creas­ing glid­ing dur­ing sex.

Q. My part­ner has no idea how to go down on me. How do I teach him?

A. Rather than launch into crit­i­cisms, start with a pos­i­tive and say what he’s do­ing right (as in, ‘I like it when you lick me lightly’). ‘Good feed­back can be a real turn­on and some­thing that will make him more open to fu­ture sug­ges­tions,’ says so­cial psy­chol­o­gist Justin Lehmiller. Next, ask for what you want: ‘It’d be so hot if you moved your tongue from side to side.’ When he tries it out, let him know you are oh­so­glad he did (‘yesss! ’).

Q. Is it nor­mal to fan­ta­sise about hav­ing a three­some?

A. Of course! Al­most ev­ery­one (male and fe­male alike) has thought about group sex, says Lehmiller, who sur­veyed more than 4,000 peo­ple about their sex­ual fan­tasies for his new book, Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sex­ual De­sire and How It Can Help You Im­prove Your Sex Life. ‘We have a ten­dency to grow bored with sex­ual rou­tines, and group sex of­fers pos­si­bil­i­ties for switch­ing things up,’ he says. Plus, ev­ery­one wants to feel de­sired, and adding a third part­ner (even in your imag­i­na­tion) could be a way to get more at­ten­tion.

Q. Um, I think a con­dom is still stuck in­side me! What should I do?

A. Don’t freak. First, try reach­ing up there and do­ing a sweep with your fin­ger to see if you can get it out, says gy­nae­col­o­gist Al­li­son Hill. If that doesn’t work, make an ap­point­ment with your gyno. If you are not on birth con­trol and don’t want to get preg­nant, make sure to take an over­the­counter emer­gency con­tra­cep­tive within 72 hours (the sooner the bet­ter). And if you haven’t had the STI talk with your part­ner, you should both get tested now.

Q. The guy I started hook­ing up with told me he’s bi­sex­ual. Does this change things in the bed­room?

A. A man be­ing bi doesn’t mean he’ll be any less com­mit­ted or at­ten­tive to you or your needs be­tween the sheets, says clin­i­cal sex­ol­o­gist Sunny Rodgers. It also doesn’t mean that his sex­ual pref­er­ences will be fix­ated on anal plea­sure. That said, it’s al­ways cru­cial to prac­tise safe sex with any part­ner. ‘En­sure that con­doms are al­ways used,’ says Rodgers. ‘If you two have had un­pro­tected sex at any point, then you must be tested for STIs as soon as pos­si­ble.’ Go­ing for­ward, if you’re con­cerned about any­thing, ask him ques­tions – he’s ob­vi­ously al­ready com­fort­able shar­ing with you.

Q. How can I clean up af­ter sex quickly and get back to cud­dling?

A. You’re in luck: ‘Vag­i­nas are self­cleans­ing,’ says gy­nae­col­o­gist Yvonne Bohn. It’s more im­por­tant to pee right af­ter sex to f lush out UTI­caus­ing bac­te­ria that may have been pushed into your ure­thra. Then wipe any flu­ids off your­self or your boo with a clean wash­cloth and warm wa­ter be­fore jump­ing back into the snug­gle zone.

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