Country Squire

ROB INGRAM OFFERS A NEW STRATEGY TO DEAL WITH UNWANTED CALLS.

WHEN CITY FRIENDS ASK us what we’re doing way out here — which, to them, is somewhere beyond the Black Stump — one of our practised responses is that the people living in this area looked lonely so we thought we’d provide them with some company. There are other favourite responses too: that we’re too far from our creditors for them to bother trying to recover small debts, and that here, Mormons will never park their bicycles at our front gate and come knocking at the door. And so it has proven, except that the Witnesses of Jehovah’s Kingdom don’t mind a nice drive in the country to drop off a few copies of The Watchtower. I admire their commitment when there are dogs in this parish that can split a mob of cattle in five seconds flat and might scatter Witnesses and Watchtowers from the stock grid to the school bus stop. They probably find that people out here don’t mind a bit of a chat because it could be days before they have another opportunity. Unshaven men in hessian moccasins and long tail shearer’s singlets will answer the door and spend 30 minutes discussing the blessing of salvation through the undeserved kindness of God, the weather, and the true mission of the Lamb of God… whether shorn or unshorn. Telephone marketers who call numbers with our prefix — even at meal time — can’t get off the phone because the locals are so keen for a chat. Even before they can spruik their dodgy international lottery, investment opportunity, computer virus warning, free holiday cruise out of Florida, solar power, and superannuation refund scams, the local target is wanting to know where in Asia the call is being made from, what the weather is like there, what time it is, has the caller ever been to Australia, why not, and a few favourite places to visit when they do. The telemarketer will find herself being quizzed on how much she is being paid, if she’s married, where she learned English and how far from work she lives. Australia’s Telecommunications Industry Ombudsman and the Australian Communications and Media Authority used to have two main weapons against unwanted calls — a Do Not Call Register, which telemarketers are expected to observe, and a systemic investigations team monitoring misleading sales practices. It is expected however, that both organisations will soon adopt the Dunedoo Model to deter the telemarketing menace. All Australian telephone subscribers will be provided with a script to keep by their phones to deter calls by telemarketers. The final script is still having the wrinkles ironed out, but the first draft goes something like this: Unwanted caller: “Good afternoon, how are you today?” Unwanted callee: “Thank you for asking. I thought nobody cared anymore. People just go about their business and expect you to go about yours. They don’t want to know that your knee replacement is playing up and the frozen shoulder means you get no sleep. Have you ever had a frozen shoulder? Murder! And on top that, nothing works anymore. Yesterday we had a power outage for 18 hours. Only the day before I’d defrosted a chicken from the freezer to prepare for tonight. Now I don’t know whether to risk it. And what about this weather… How is it there? Either hot enough to fry an egg on a flat rock here... or blowing so hard that the crows fly backwards to keep the dust out of their eyes... But, sorry, I guess you phoned for a reason.” “Hello.” “You still there?” “Funny!”

“PEOPLE OUT HERE DON’T MIND DAYS A BIT OF A CHAT... IT COULD BE BEFORE THEY HAVE ANOTHER.”