FARMER SPEAK

ANNABELLE HICKSON HELPS US DECODE THE LEXICON OF THE AUSSIE FARMER.

THIS MONTH MY HUSBAND and I celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary, which means I’ve lived in the bush for a decade. Although I wouldn’t say I’m fluent in farmer speak yet, I’m much further down the path of understanding these Men of Few Syllables than I once was. An Aussie-farmer-to-english dictionary would have helped me in the early days, and so now I offer this to you, just in case it might benefit you. And please, if you have any translations of your own, share them with me. There’s much more to understand about these farmers of ours. Time Farmers have an interesting relationship with the concept of time. A friend has coined this phenomenon ‘Bullsh*t Country Time’. Another name could be ‘Time Influenced by the Eternal Optimism of Farmers’. Here are some phrases to look for. • “I’ll be back in 20 minutes,” says a farmer before jumping on a motorbike and heading out to the paddock. Translates as: “See you in five hours. Maybe six.” • Tourist asks, “Excuse me, I was wondering if you could help me with some directions? I’m trying to get to Eural.” Farmer: “No worries, just head down this road for a bit, I dunno how far, but for a bit, seven or eight ks maybe. Turn right at the sign that says… well, not sure what the sign actually says, but you can’t miss it. There is a big box tree opposite the turn off. Follow that for a while, you’ll sort of head through some country that opens up a bit, then it’s next on the left. You shouldn’t have too many problems finding it.” Translates as: “Drive 25 kilometres through a continuous forest of box trees to find the first turn off, then drive for another 25 kilometres through a box forest that looks no different. The turn off will be somewhere on the left.” • A visitor asks, “How long will it take to drive to Ballina from here?” “Oh,” says the farmer, “About three hours.” Translates to: “Four, possibly five hours with no toilet stops.” Deciphering the facts Trying to get a straight answer out of a farmer can be infuriating. Everything — especially references to status, success and health — is underplayed. Blowing one’s horn is simply not done. The following translations may assist: • When a visiting agronomist asks an elderly man in a ripped cotton workshirt if he knows where the boss is, the elderly man says, “I saw him over that way a little while ago,” pointing to a paddock in the distance. Translates as: “I am he and this is my multimillion dollar farming business.” • After falling off a motorbike and significantly puncturing his leg, a farmer says, “She’ll be right.” Translates as: “I should probably go to hospital now, but I won’t. Instead I will go three days later when it’s infected and I can no longer walk. My wife will forcibly drive me to the hospital, where she will share looks of exasperation with the nurse on duty.” • If you hear drovers yarning, “Is your dog any good?” and the other replies, “Aw, he’s half-handy,” be aware the answer translates as: “He’s a top dog, eyes off.” • Two farmers meet in town: “How’s the wheat?” “Needs a drink.” Translation: “Without 50 millilitres this week, it’s dead and I don’t know how I’m going to pay the boarding-school fees.” • “Hmmm…” Translates as: “That’s a shame that burst dam just wiped out my cotton crop.” It might also mean: “That’s a shame that massive tornado came through and managed to blow away the woolshed.” It’s a handy way to talk about anything borderline catastrophic that cannot be immediately fixed. The tricks Then there are the tricks to watch out for. It’s not all smiles, strong tea and self-deprecation… • City visitor on farm tour, anxious to please, asks where to sit in the four-wheel drive. Farmer’s son replies: “Hop in the passenger seat next to Dad.” Translation: “There are five gates between here and the river and I don’t want to open them.” The confusing Some phrases are just sheer baffling. For example, “The Beardy’s up,” by way of telephone greeting means, “Good morning. What a wonderful day it is, after all that rain. There’s a lot of water in the river and I think school will be cancelled because the bus can’t get through.” Meanwhile, if on a long-distance phone call, one farmer asks about the weather and the other replies, “Trees are chasing the dogs mate,” this means it’s dry. And my favourite phrase of all: “The other day,” which translates as anytime in the past 15 years. Special thanks to Bette, Bill, Emily and Willy for your help. Annabelle Hickson lives on a pecan farm in the Dumaresq Valley, NSW. Follow her on Instagram @annabellehickson