Country Squire: “It’s the most wonderful time of the year…” or is it? Rob Ingram weighs up the pros and cons of a Covid-affected Christmas.

DUE TO COVID-19, WE MAY NOT SPEND CHRISTMAS AS WE USUALLY DO – AND ROB INGRAM IS LOOKING FORWARD TO IT.

FOR A WHOLE YEAR NOW, we’ve lived with the mantra “We’re all in this together”. But now the event is chillingly close: Christmas. First, the good news. Christmas will be different. The pandemic has meant restrictions – and, even better, excuses – will change the shape of the festive season. Border restrictions and COVID-19 hotspots could affect the ability of families to gather together at this special time … so exploit this opportunity to the max.

Explain, with exaggerated regret, that it would not be fair to share the day with some members of the family but not others, so this year you’ll be spending it alone. Or you can announce that your dining table falls just short of social distancing requirements. Then check out the 10 best films on Netflix and settle in for a Christmas Day movie binge on the sofa.

Christmas pilgrimages are also problematic this year. Vatican Pilgrimages have let me know that many of their planned events – “true journeys of faith” – have been postponed due to Coronavirus. This has compelled them to journey to holy places by another route: virtual pilgrimages. So, allow a break between Netflix blockbusters to “travel around the universal church, visiting spiritually significant places and the faithful souls encountered there”.

Marian Pilgrimages, however – at time of writing – was hoping to press on with their Christmas in the Holy Land pilgrimage visiting Nazareth, the Sea of Galilee, the River Jordan, Bethlehem and Jerusalem. Note that the scheduled Bethlehem accommodation is the four-star Manger Square Hotel … and hotels in Bethlehem at this time of the year have been known to have no vacancies.

Back home, of course, each of us observes this holy time in our own way by attending the shopping mall and praying for a parking spot. It is here that we are reminded of three phrases that best sum up Christmas: “Peace on Earth”, “Goodwill to all mankind” and “Batteries not included”. If there was a fourth, it would be the chilling Christmas Eve midnight instruction: “Some assembly required”.

Christmas Eve, however, is not all bad. Well, not at home anyway. I once spent Christmas Eve in Rome – the Eternal City – and found it eternal because of its weird tradition of fasting and abstinence. At home, at least, it’s a time of glazing the ham and sharing the bourbon bottle one-forthe-ham, one-for-the-squire. It was bourbon that taught me one of my most valuable lessons: if I should ever go caroling again, go with a group of people and preferably in December …

As a kid, of course, Christmas waved a magic wand over the world. It was a time of jollity, innocence … and puzzlement. I knew the Three Wise Men rode over to Bethlehem from the Orient to bring the Baby Jesus gold, Frankenstein and myrrh. Now, gold is always welcome, but I thought Frankenstein might be pretty scary for a babe. And what the hell is “myrrh”? It sounded to me like a scalded cat or a goat with a harelip. My mother thought it was an essential oil, and we agreed it was a pretty hip gift for those times.

Well, let me tell you, out here in regional Oz, Christmas has never been more magical. Beefy tradesmen wear blond wigs and bikinis and ride on trucks in the Christmas parade. The turkey is raffled, and you can win a ham on the Lions Club chocolate wheel for only twice what you’d pay at the butcher’s. And Santa will make a low pass over the footy ground in his ultralight and scatter jelly beans for the kids. (Except the black ones – they’re for the adults.)

And when the jollity and innocence is over, we observe Christmas the way Christmas should be … a feast day of Pilsner and prawns. I hope yours is just as good.

“COVID-19 HOTSPOTS COULD AFFECT THE ABILITY OF FAMILIES TO GET TOGETHER … SO EXPLOIT THIS TO THE MAX.”