HIGH RESOLUTION
Have non-cyclist friends? You can help them achieve their ambitions for the New Year, says Rob Ainsley...
At this time of year, we think of those less fortunate than ourselves. People who don’t cycle, in other words. People whose phones autocomplete ‘handlebar’ with ‘…moustache’, rather than ‘…tape’. People who think there’s something amusing about ‘For sale: Giant woman’s bike’. You know, normal people. People who, at this time of year, may be thinking about New Year’s resolutions and how they might struggle sticking to them. Luckily, help is at hand, because being cyclists, we have some excellent advice…
Resolution 1: Lose weight and get fit
Popular ones, these, especially after the festive overindulgence. Answer: Buy a bike. A fitter, slimmer, younger-looking version of your friend awaits. A friend who may end up wanting to buy your bike when you get around to flogging it on Gumtree.
Resolution 2: Save money
Brexit year will present financial challenges. Answer: Buy a bike. Commuting and short trips will save them thousands of pounds through the year. It’s also a skills investment: when your friend’s job disappears in the next global financial collapse, they can work for Deliveroo.
When your friend’s job disappears in the next financial collapse, they can work for Deliveroo
Resolution 3: Make new friends
A social perennial. Answer: Buy a bike. By joining a cycling club your buddy can make a whole new circle of friends. By joining a local cycle campaign they can make a whole new circle of friends… and enemies.
Resolution 4: Be more eco
One we should all aspire to, given the state of the planet. Answer: Buy a bike. Support of local, sustainable enterprises will naturally follow as all that cycling will lead to your friend frequenting cafés, bakeries, community pubs, etc (possibly reversing any gains resulting from Resolution 1).
Resolution 5: New clothes, new image
This resolution can do wonders for your friend’s self-worth. Answer: Buy a bike. Road cycling’s ‘Lycra chic’ is great for new profile photos on Facebook. (“It’s Rapha, but I picked it up it in the January sale…”)
But that isn’t the main benefit. That comes from riding in everyday clothes. Because normal, ‘non-cycling’ garments wear out so fast your friend will need to replace their wardrobe every few months, thus automatically staying freshly turned out and on trend.
Resolution 6: Do something for others
Good causes need support more than ever. Answer: Buy a bike. Doing a UK charity sportive will take your friend beyond their Home Counties bubble, to glorious parts of rural Britain, and enable them to help impoverished people in remote parts of the world with undeveloped economies… such as the people running the sportives in those glorious parts of rural Britain.
Resolution 7: Be nicer to people, animals, those who disagree with me regarding Brexit, etc
Answer: Buy a bike. It will make your friend a better person – someone who’s open and accountable to all those around them, resulting in interactions that are more pleasant for everyone. No more futile shouting at other drivers from the insulated cocoon of their car. Now your friend can shout futilely at drivers from the saddle… drivers who still can’t hear your friend because they’re insulated in the cocoons of their own cars.
Resolution 8: Read more.
Answer: Buy a bike. A new world of stylishly written, wise, thought-provoking literature will open up to them. Magazines and websites telling your friend about what kit to spend their money on; lavishly illustrated books explaining how to adjust their disc brakes; endless, identical histories of the Tour de France bought for them as Christmas presents; travelogues inspiring them to pack their job in and cycle around the world; divorce proceedings from lawyers, etc…
And what about us? Well, you know the answer to that already and it’s the same as all those geared towards your non-cycling friend, only with the addition of ‘-nother’.
As the poster in that cycle-café near you says, Money can’t buy happiness. But it can buy a bike, and that’s the next best thing. Happy cycling in 2019.