LOVE IN A VOID A cautionary tale.
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU FALL FOR A HOT GUY AND FORGET THE RULES YOU’VE ALWAYS KNOWN? CORY LEE FREDERICK FINDS OUT IN THIS CAUTIONARY TALE.
I should not be in this situation. Fuck! I should not be in this situation. Following my diagnosis, my brain went into overdrive. All sorts of thoughts bounced around in there and I just wanted them to go away. I was so pissed off at myself for letting this happen. Pissed that I had no one to blame; no sad sob story to make myself a victim. I had always known the risk of unprotected sex. I had made it a life mission to volunteer and be involved with any cause supporting HIV/AIDS awareness. I have been on the cover of magazines and on TV shows. I’m a recognisable gay man. HIV does not happen to people like me. The reality is, it does.
I’ve always been a sucker for dark hair and eyes. One night out dancing, I met him. In a crowd of thousands we each stole a glimpse and stopped, like in one of those rom-coms where the rest of the world gets put on pause. I noticed his lips first – full, wet, kissable. His face was boyish and beautiful; his body muscular, masculine, daring to be touched and held. I could tell he had stories to tell. Already well past tipsy, I went up to him. The club was pounding so we moved our faces closer to talk. I found my hands on his chest and his arms around my waist as we shared our introductions. He felt so good and I was melting. We ended up on the dance floor, moving as one, lips locked, not caring what anyone watching might have thought. The sexual chemistry was off the charts. Chemistry unlike any I had ever felt before. I found him just as uninhibited as I was, and rarely had I ever found that.
It was soon decision time. Leave separately with our friends or leave together? It was not a hard decision for me, and only a short walk back to his place. Clothes were on the floor in record time and let me tell you he was just as beautiful in the flesh. He looked at me in the moment before insertion as if to see if I wanted him to wrap it up. We spoke only through expressions and my face let him know I wanted all of him. He was so perfect, so handsome. I had nothing to worry about. Guys like him don’t have HIV. I spent the rest of the night and the next morning getting pounded into oblivion. It was the greatest night of my life.
After our initial night together the two of us became close, but we did not date. He wanted no part of dating anyone and I went along >>
>> with it. We did the random dinners and nights out drinking, but mainly we just screwed around. He became the best fuck buddy I had ever had. I loved every second spent with him and couldn’t get enough of him inside of me. Over the course of the next four months we continued our hookups and nights spent together. I was just happy to have his attention and needed nothing more than the carnal thoughts I held onto. Towards the end of our sexual relationship we spent less time meeting up. I became indifferent and he had many other boys to occupy his time. I wanted more, but never fully told him so. I knew a relationship was never going to happen and I found solace in having had his attention. He was content having his pick of bottoms to choose from and I was ready to let go of his sex and move on.
After a long stretch without hearing from him, I received a phone call. He needed to let me know that he just tested positive for HIV. I was floored, but assumed I would be fine. I had always made it a point to get tested every three months and felt confident that just two months ago I was negative so there was no way I could be positive now. After a subsequent test, I was called in to go over the results with my doctor and learned that I had acquired HIV. It was now a part of me. I remember vividly my doctor saying, “you tested reactive for HIV.” I sat emotionless. My brain was telling me to cry, but I didn’t. Tears did not fall because I couldn’t be upset with anyone but myself for not using protection.
The two of us have not spoken since. Not because we are mad at each other, but because our relationship was misguided. I have passionate memories, but those memories don’t
I noticed his lips first – full, wet, kissable. His face was boyish and beautiful; his body muscular, masculine, daring to be touched.
justify a life living with HIV. I don’t regret my time with him. I look back on our time with mixed emotions. I wish we’d both been more responsible and respected each other enough to have used protection. I wish we’d valued each other more than sex.
We never had protected sex. At the time it did not seem reckless. We were living in the moment and I simply loved his attention. I wanted him and felt that barebacking gave us an edge. We were closer because we shared such an intimate experience. I was fully aware he was having sex with other guys and assumed he wasn’t always using protection with them either, but I was more worried about being his favorite. His attention became more important than worrying about HIV. Since my positive diagnosis, many people have asked how I rationalised this and it’s been difficult to give an honest answer. Stripping away any pretense, I can only say that I fell hardcore for a complicated man and our time together filled a love void in my life. Sex with him was how I coped with not having real love in my life. It was a band-aid that made me feel momentary love; a quick fix.
It has only been six months and I am still dealing with the impact being positive has had on my life and future. I have hopes and dreams just as I did before. I’ve always wanted to >>
>> find my soulmate, to settle down into a meaningful and committed relationship, and for my life to be filled with happiness. It has become ever more important to me now to get past the gay trappings of looks, social status and sex. I don’t have to be accepted by all, but I want to surround myself with people who truly love and respect the man that I am. Maybe someday I’ll meet a guy who is able to deal with my status or maybe I will fall for a guy who is positive himself. I don’t know how that will all come together, but I’m looking forward to finding out.
I have had incredible support from the people in my life. My family loves me just as much as they did before, although they worry more now because they really aren’t knowledgeable about the virus. They assumed it meant I was going to die right away. My mom had the hardest time and it was upsetting to have my family think I was on death’s door. I grew up in a small farm town community. I am very open about my status and was shocked that I received so much support from the people I grew up with. Most people stereotype small towns as close-minded and homophobic, but this has never been the case for me.
I came out to the world as HIV-positive on Facebook by simply posting a + sign as my status on World Aids Day. To me this was the perfect way to recognise the meaning of that day and start being open. It was a fairly bold and ballsy post and it did not go unseen. People went nuts over my post and I was bombarded with texts, phone calls and messages. The messages were all so loving and supportive, but I heard that others were talking negatively about it. I am fully aware that the gay world passes judgment at the drop of a hat, but I refuse to concern myself with gossiping gays. Unfortunately, if you are diagnosed with HIV this is something you will have to deal with but the key is that you do not have to care about their talk.
Confidence has never been an issue for me. Not to say I ever thought I was the hottest or best looking guy ever. I realise that I am not, but I have always believed in myself. In the looks department, I always knew I could get attention from guys. I’m not the boy next door. I have more of an exotic look and I’ve always used that to my advantage. My look has gotten me modeling gigs and I have always been proud that I represent something different and have made it work. But after my HIV diagnosis, my self-esteem initially took a hit. I started to worry that being positive meant I would never date again and that no one would ever want me. I was mentally beating myself up, thinking I was going to forever wear a positive symbol in the eyes of others. Maybe that will be the case, but I decided I was still myself and that HIV was going to be just a small part of who I am. I’m not really ready to date right now. I want to stay focused on educating myself about the virus and making my health my first priority. My outlook on life is now stronger because I have this virus. You have to be a strong person to deal with the baggage that comes with it. I am more determined now than I have ever been and hopefully it pushes me to make more of a difference in our community.
Sharing my story is not about making me a victim or seeking sympathy. I have read one too many of those HIV stories. HIV infections are dramatically rising among young gay men all over the world. This generation is missing the message. My hope is that young gay men will be able to relate to my situation. That they will realise it could happen to them and make better decisions. Many do not realise their status and the window of opportunity with the virus is rarely
I was fully aware he was having sex with other guys and assumed he wasn’t always using protection, but I was more worried about being his favorite.
discussed. Getting tested regularly and using protection should be non-negotiable. I wish I had a story to share in which I did not have to take any responsibility for my status. It’s hard for me to take those stories seriously anyway. HIV involves two people who both decide to not protect themselves or one another.
In the gay world, it is easy to mistake attention from a hot guy as filler for what is missing in your life. What we must realise is that love is out there. It’s not easy to find, but it is worth the wait. Momentary attention will never fill the need for true and meaningful love in your life. Invest time in one man, give him a chance. Be the generation that gets it right. If you want a random hookup or are content with having fuck buddies, wrap it up. Respect both yourself and your partner enough to insist on condoms each time. The reality is sex does not equal love.