READY TO PARTY?

THE 20 MOST IMPORTANT QUESTIONS YOU MUST ASK YOURSELF THIS MARDI GRAS.

1 Do I most want to dance to the music in the RHI, Hordern Pavilion, Dome or the Medical Tent?

2 Should I bet Dolly Parton will be the surprise performer and learn all the lyrics to 9 To 5 so I can sing along with her?

3 Will anyone believe I don’t already know the lyrics to 9 To 5?

4 Am I prepared to hide drugs up my rectum?

5 Am I prepared to pay someone else to hide drugs up their rectum(s) for me?

6 Is amyl a drug?

7 Should I wear a cockring or free the beast?

8 Use body glitter or is that too gay for the gays at the gayest party of the year?

9 Should I bring my boyfriend to the party?

10 What time should I tell him to take off so I can hook up?

11 If I see a trough man, am I prepared to urinate on him?

12 If I text a time and a landmark to meet all my friends – will I be too fucked up to remember the time, the landmark or my friends?

13 Do I reconfigure my Facebook settings so I cannot be tagged in any photo until there is sufficient free time to approve them?

14 What are the chances my spray- on tan will create awkward brown stains on a stranger’s white sheets?

15 If my Botox is working, will anyone be able to tell I’m having a good time?

16 When I took off my T-shir t, did I hook it through my beltloop so I don’t lose it like last year?

17 Am I wearing pants with a beltloop?

18 Am I wearing pants?

19 Do I have a pre-planned excuse for getting out of work on Monday. Ideally through Wednesday?

20 When mum calls, can I explain my haggard haven’t-slept-for-three- days party voice as “laryngitis”?