MANNERS MAKETH THE MAN

Did you know that it’s polite to ask before streaming urine onto an unsuspecting casual hookup? It is! This, and other essentials of modern manners, are presented by Tim Warrington.

Once upon a time, in the days before jeans caused deep vein thrombosis, I met a guy at a bar and took him home for coffee. Alarm bells should have sounded when he asked if I had rubber sheets, but I was on the rebound and horny, and he tasted like caramel. Awesome sex later, when I was chucking out the Zs, I awoke to the sound of heavy rain. It turned out my trade was pissing on my back as I slept.

Although I don’t have a problem with water sports it’s not really my poison. Even if it were, you’d think at some point there would be a dialogue about inclement weather on the horizon. “Do you mind if I soak you and your Yves Delorme Lemercier 300 thread count sheets in piss?” But there wasn’t.

Just last week I bumped into him again at the supermarket. With confected delight, he greeted me in the veggies aisle. “I remember you. You kicked me out in the middle of the night.” He then swiped the last bunch of crisp broccolini and left. WTF? Rude.

After fuming, I got to thinking. Where have all the gentlemen gone? What happened to polite society? Manners, anybody? So I asked my friends and this is what they revealed, in no particular order. EYES, NOSE AND MOUTH Nothing should go into or come out of your nose in public. Ever. Picking, heavy blowing and snorting should all be done in the bathroom. For the car-driving nose miners who think they’re in Wonder Woman’s invisible jet, get a tissue. And a room. And never ever dine at the nose café.

Cover your mouth when coughing or yawning. Close your mouth when masticating. Open it to say something meaningful. “If you cannot say what you mean… you will never mean what you say and a gentleman should always mean what he says.”

Make eye contact. ORAL ETIQUETTE It’s only polite to announce when a big moment is coming. Warn someone before jizzing in their mouth. THE LITTLE PEOPLE Don’t ignore nascent bad manners. “Oh, it’s not little Johnny’s fault he threw the bread roll at the waitress, he’s just a child.” Good manners are not nearly as complicated as solving quadratic equations or remembering all the lanthanides and actinides in the Periodic Table. Rude kids become rude adults. Start early. According to bioethics expert, writer and professor Alexander McCall Smith, “Manners are the basic building blocks of civil society.” PUBLIC TRANSPORT Public transport can be a minefield for even the most able-bodied commuter. Throw in a full leg cast, a couple of crutches and a neck brace and things get really hairy. Once, thusly attired, I was forced to stand on a bus for 20 minutes before a man, skeletally ancient and thatched with grey, offered me his seat while men half his age stared at me blankly. One did offer to hold my crutches, but didn’t offer up his seat. Bless.

A discreet hand gesture is more than enough to alert a waiter that your San Pellegrino has lost its fizz.

Seats are for bums, not bags. Sharing your seat with a stranger is not the end of the world. And if you don’t like it, the solution is simple. Walk.

Please, please, please: wait for people to alight before getting on the train or bus. And if you’re in the designated Quiet carriage of the train, SHUT THE FUCK UP. NAILING IT? There are two types of people in this world: those who cut their nails in public and those who are decent. If you trim your talons anywhere other than in private, proceed at once to the June Dally-Watkins School Of Personal And Professional Deportment. DARLING, DANKE SCHOEN. Thank you: two of the most powerful words in the English language, which are remarkably scarce and seldom uttered from so many lips. A Melbourne shop assistant, appalled by ungrateful customers, kept a tally of those who thanked him at checkout. He waited three days and approximately 1,500 people before someone finally uttered the magic words. RING, RING Dining al fresco at a quaint Surry Hills eatery, I witnessed a disgruntled DILF throw his wife’s smart phone into the path of an oncoming shiny SUV. Sick of being ignored while she nibbled her Niçoise and texting incessantly, he tossed the offending hardware into the street and the crowd went wild. Two diners even shook his hand. Unless you’re awaiting an emergency call, there is no need to have your phone at the dinner table. Put your mobile phone away while being served by a shop assistant. You’re not that important and they’ll call back… probably. I’M NOT RACIST BUT… Yes you are. SOCIAL MEDIA Don’t post sultry selfies alongside dead grandparents on Facebook. Don’t Instagram wicked shaka salutes with your homies at funerals. Don’t air your dirty laundry. Don’t cyber brawl. Don’t bully. #meantweetssuck. GRUB AND TUCKER Dining etiquette means more than escargot forks, caviar spoons and elbows off tables. Objectionable behaviour often centres around treatment of the wait staff. We’re looking at you, Flamenco Fingers. Never, ever snap your digits. Eye contact or a discreet hand gesture is more than enough to alert a waiter that your San Pellegrino has lost its fizz. Click your fingers and not only will you look like a tool, you’ll most likely be ser ved last. One for the waiters: don’t clear plates until everyone at the table has finished eating. We know you’re in a hurry, but give a man his food. EMAIL APTITUDE Use Reply All and distribution lists sparingly, unless, like a former colleague of mine, you want the entire organisation to know you have genital herpes. ARE YOU LISTENING? Hearing and listening are not the same thing. If you don’t know the difference, perhaps you haven’t been listening. Hearing simply happens. Listening, however, is a conscience choice.