CRIMES AGAINST NATURE
Demonic possession, sinful desires, burning in Hell – frightening concepts for a 16-year-old gay boy. Miraculously, he survived his church upbringing. This is his story.
“The leaders in the church advised that I be ‘baptised in the Holy Spirit’ and that I undergo an exorcism to release the ‘demon’ of homosexuality from me.”
I was born into a Christian home. My parents were Salvation Army officers until they separated when I was 9. I grew up in Bega, New South Wales and when I was 16 I moved to Canberra to live with my dad and stepmother, and to complete years 11 and 12 of high school.
Deep down I knew I was gay but was so afraid to admit it to myself, much less anyone else. I believed, as my Christian upbringing had taught me, that being gay was wrong and that gay people go to Hell.
A week after I moved to Canberra I attended a Pentecostal church in the next suburb. I had always believed I was a Christian, I had believed all the right “stuff ” but it didn’t seem real to me. The following Sunday at church I made a personal commitment to God for the first time. I begged Him to take away my homosexual desires. After this commitment I didn’t feel any different. My desires were still the same. So began my treacherous journey, trying to change my sexuality.
I confided in the youth pastor and other leaders in the church that I thought I might be gay. They all told me that unless I “repented” and became heterosexual I couldn’t be a Christian, and that I would inevitably be going to Hell. I was told, as a 16-year-old boy, that being gay would make me sick, evil, perverted and an abomination. I was told that being gay was a “crime against nature”.
A few months later, the leaders in the church advised that I be “baptised in the Holy Spirit”. Further, that I undergo an exorcism to release the “demon” of homosexuality from me. This involved standing at the front of church during a healing service and having people pray over me, pour oil on my head, and yell at me, “Renounce Satan and receive the Holy Spirit.”
After all this I still didn’t feel any different. I was still gay but even more afraid to admit it to myself or the people around me. Month after month, I battled depression and anxiety caused by my internalised homophobia and inability to reconcile my faith and sexuality.
In 2006, when I was 18, I met my future wife and we began dating. I knew straight away that she really liked me but I, of course, couldn’t reciprocate the same feelings, despite the fact that for many years she was my best friend. When I told the youth pastor and some of the other leaders at church that I had met a girl, they were happy and told me that this relationship would form part of God’s healing for me.
Early on, I confided to her about my struggle with my sexuality and we both naively believed that marriage would heal me and I would become heterosexual.
In 2010, when I was 22, we married and began our life together. It was a struggle from day one. I simply couldn’t be the husband she deserved. In September 2013 our marriage ended. It had become highly dysfunctional, abusive and lacking in love and intimacy. Her father had been a toxic and powerful inf luence and had caused me a lot of unnecessary angst.
In October 2013 I decided to come out. I was so fortunate to have the acceptance and support of my friends, family and workplace but, sadly, not my church. At that time I was attending a small evangelical church here in Canberra and had become regularly involved in helping out in various ministries. My pastor f latly refused to accept my being gay, stating repeatedly that I had chosen to “accept my sinful desires”. He gave me an ultimatum, stating that unless I went back in the closet, kept my divorce quiet and remained totally celibate I would have no role whatsoever at church. And I would be treated as a non-believer.
In a very diplomatically worded email, I told this pastor that I was not doing any of that, and that I would be leaving the church in order to Joel Pearce today find a church that accepted me for me. A couple with his sexuality of months and religious later beliefs I found a new GLBTI-affirming reconciled. church and I began a new life of authenticity.
Since my marriage ended and I came out, I’ve learned so much and become a much stronger and more genuine person. It is so incredibly liberating to now be in a position to accept myself for who I truly am and to live an honest life. My depression and anxiety have eased and I’ve found a new confidence in myself. I often joke to my dear friend Janice that every day in every way I’m becoming more and more fabulous. It’s so incredible to know that I now have the opportunity to fall in love for real, and have what I have wanted for so many years – a boyfriend!
I believed that to be gay and Christian was an oxymoron, a contradiction in terms. Now I have come to understand that my faith is a choice but my sexual orientation is not.