HOW WILL I KNOW?

Can’t quit crushing on that perfect beefcake mate? In this tale, a violent twist might just save the day.

There’s something I have kept bundled up inside for as long as I can remember. It’s been so hard to be myself. So hard to act normal when a vital part of myself I keep hidden from everyone else. I feel such shame and embarrassment for not telling anyone my secret, but that’s nothing compared to the fear I feel should anyone ever find out.

It wasn’t always this way. When I was younger, when the world around me was the only one I knew, I had no real cares or worries and that was when life was good. Then came high school, and that’s when it all changed. It’s when I started seeing things differently, mostly just noticing them more. When they walked by me, when I was talking to them, when they smiled. The other boys didn’t seem any different; it wasn’t them who had changed, it was me.

I tried making my observations subtle, but sometimes I would stare a little too long and they would turn their head and look at me strangely, then my breath would catch in my throat, resulting in a very awkward moment. Thankfully suspicion never went past there. Most of the time they didn’t notice, which was good, especially when they were working out in the gym, or changing in the locker room. High school was a struggle, but I endured.

It wasn’t until university that I started having problems again. Only this time I wasn’t noticing all of them. Just one. I met him during orientation week and we just clicked. There was never a relationship in my life where I had warmed up to someone so quickly. His name was Michael and he was just dazzling. The way he moved, the way he walked, even the clothes he wore I found attractive. And that smile, I couldn’t keep my eyes off him. Not that he noticed. To him we were just friends. Not that it mattered because even if I had the courage to bring it up, I wouldn’t know what to say. Hell, I didn’t even know if he was like me.

It was hard because I was spending so much time with him and he was just so… likeable. He was never awkward or dysfunctional socially; he always knew just what to say. He was the kind of person who could get along with anyone, which is why I always wondered why he chose to hang out with me. There were so many more socially active people on campus to hang out with. I even asked him once, “Michael, why do you never hang out with anyone else except me. I mean you get along with everyone, why don’t you hang out with them instead?”

“I don’t know, Jeremy. I like hanging out with you. The others are so typical, it’s easy to imagine what they’re gonna do or say next. That’s why I like you – you’re quiet and you don’t do much. Some people might say you’re boring, but I think it makes you mysterious. And mysterious is just my type.” I didn’t know how to respond.

As time went on, I thought it might get better. You know, I might get used to being around him and the feelings would fade. But every time I saw him was like seeing him for the first time. My breath got a little tighter and my heart beat a little faster, and all he would do is sit down next to me and smile.

Sometimes it just became too much. I would hate myself for being so afraid, hate myself for not having the courage to say how I felt. I would go to bed, wishing, praying that when I woke up it would be different, that I would feel different, but it was always the same. No, not the same – worse.

The only relief I got was when I escaped the reality of my situation by immersing myself in my favourite TV fiction. Will And Grace if I wanted to laugh or Queer As Folk if I opted for something a little more serious. If I ever wanted straight up eye candy I would watch Supernatural. But it was always a temporary relief. As soon as an episode ended, the first thing that popped into my head was his face. Those pretty blue eyes and the cute smile. The ache was almost constant, even when I wasn’t with him he was all I could think about.

I was daydreaming again. Sitting with Michael at breakfast, listening to him babble on about what he was planning on doing that night. As I watched him talk, my mind slipped to a memory I had a few weeks earlier when I was waiting for

him at the pool. I remember watching him climb the ladder out of the water, wearing nothing but his speedos, my eyes following the water as it dripped down his body. He spotted me waiting and smiled. As he came over I realised my shame, quickly covered myself, mumbled my excuses and left. My face burning and f lushed from embarrassment, hoping he didn’t notice. “Jeremy.” Every time I think about it, I hate myself for denying myself an opportunity. “Jeremy.” I keep wondering what my life would be like if I didn’t run away. “Earth to Jeremy!” I’m startled, realising Michael is trying to get my attention. “What?”

“What’s the matter man, you’ve been staring into space for like two solid minutes.”

“Nothing just fantasizing. I mean dreaming. Daydreaming.” “Right. So are you up for it or what?” “Up for what?” “Going out with me tonight?” “Going out with…” “To the club. A bunch of us from campus are going dancing and it sounds like fun. I know you don’t do much, but I’ve decided it is my mission to get you out of your comfort zone. So are you coming? Now I know I phrased that as a question but I will not take no for an answer.” “Um. All right. What time?” “I guess sometime after dinner? I’ll come by your room tonight to pick you up. Anyway, I got class, so I’ll see you tonight.” And with that he got up and left, leaving me trying to figure out what just happened.

I was staring at my ref lection, trying to decide whether or not I actually wanted to do this. I was dressed in a plain black T-shirt under a white dress shirt opened at the front with the sleeves rolled up. With my plain black slim jeans and converse sneakers I looked like any other uni student taking a night out, but somehow I felt different. Maybe it was because this was the first time I had done something like this before. People get nervous their first time doing things, right? I sighed as my gaze drifted up to my dark brown hair, trying to figure out what to do with it, before reaching the realisation that it was just too short to try anything.

I jumped as I heard a knock at the door. I opened it and my mouth dropped slightly as I saw Michael. His black skinny jeans contrasting perfectly with his white tank top, his sandy blond hair spiked up at the front. He fixed me with that cute smile. I felt my knees go weak. “Well, well. Look at you handsome. I need to take you out more often. Are you ready? Lets roll.”

The tram ride to the club was uneventful. Mainly just me listening to Michael talk about his day, bitching about how one of his lecturers pulled a dick move and changed a due date for an assignment without telling any of his students. I kept looking out the window watching all the lights from the various lamps and shops rush past. I felt the tram slow. Michael kicked me in the foot saying that it was our stop. I stepped off the tram and looked up, all I could make out of the club was a black wall and a bright neon sign. Michael jumped off next to me and put his arm around my shoulders. I closed my eyes at the feeling. “Alright hermit, welcome to the other half of uni life.” As he steered me inside, my head turned to a group of boys standing at the corner of the tram stop, eyeing us as we walked past. I took out my wallet to show the bouncer my ID, and I was in.

Michael walked me to the bar, where I was confronted by f lashing strobe lights and the darkened forms of people dancing, twisting their bodies to the doof doof doof beat of the music. Michael leaned in to me and shouted, “I’ll

“My eyes followed the curve of his body as he moved to the beat… I felt my breath get tighter, my heart beat faster, my knees go weak.”

get us some drinks. What do you want?” “I’ll just have a lemonade, thanks.” “Nope, I promise we’re not leaving until you have alcohol in your system.” I turned my head to see him smiling at me mischievously. I smiled back. “Fine, a vodka and lemonade.”

I walked over to the bar as he ordered the drinks. I felt myself smiling at his argument with the bartender. “What do you mean $15? For one drink? Are you serous? Listen, the only possible scenario in which I would find that price acceptable is if the glass it came in was, in fact, the holy grail. You know what? I’m too thirsty, just give me the drinks.”

“Bam!” he declared as he handed me the drink. I took a sip, wincing slightly as the aftertaste of the vodka hit the back of my tongue. “That’s the spirit, force it down.” “Shut up.” “So you want to dance?” “Um, you go ahead, I’ll finish my drink first.” “Cool, cool, cool, see you out there.” I leaned back against the bar, cradling the drink in my hands as I watched Michael move on the dance f loor. He spun, he jumped, moving his body the to beat of the music. My eyes followed his every movement, the roll of his shoulders moving down his strong back, down further past his waist. I felt my breath get tighter, my heart beat faster, my knees go weak. I felt my jeans grow tight. I closed my eyes and forced myself to take a deep breath.

“Hey, are you alright?” I opened my eyes to see Michael staring at me.

“I’m actually feeling a bit sick, so I think I might just go home.” “Oh no, I’ll come back with you.” “No, that’s fine. I don’t want to ruin your night, you looked like you were having fun.” “Are you sure?” “Yeah, I’ll see you tomorrow.” I stepped out of the club, into the fresh air. I walked towards the tram stop, pulling out my iPod. I put in the earphones and pressed play, smiling as Lady Gaga’s Born This Way began to play. I began to bob my head and sing the words. “I’m beautiful in my way ’Cause God makes no mistakes I’m on the right track, baby I was born this way Don’t hide yourself in regret Just love yourself every…” I never saw the punch coming. I felt the fist slam into the side of my face. I was knocked off balance and fell over onto the concrete. The metallic taste of blood was in my mouth. Shocked, I tried to stand but was pushed back down and kicked in the gut. The wind was knocked out of me and I cried out in pain as I was kicked again. My earphones fell out and I heard the words, “faggot”, “freak” and “disgusting” yelled at me. I was crying, tears spilling down my face. I heard them laughing and saw one of them aim a kick at my face. As it hit, I felt bone break and warm blood gush down my face. The last thing I heard before blacking out was someone shouting, “Hey! What the hell?! Get the fuck away from him!”

My eyes squinted open. I felt the weight of blankets on top of me. I turned my head to see a woman standing, looking at something above me. “Oh good, you’re awake. You’ve been out for several hours, just try to stay still and get some rest. Your parents should be here soon.” “What happened?” “You were attacked. It was lucky you were brought here so quickly. That’s some friend you got there, he hasn’t left your side once.”

I turned my head to see Michael asleep in the chair beside my bed. I turned to see the nurse leave, and when I turned back around Michael was staring at me, a smile on his face, his eyes beginning to water. “I’m really glad you’re awake.” “Yeah, thanks to you.” Michael stood up, tears running down his face. “Michael, what…” He leaned in and kissed me. For that brief moment it was only us.

Even the pain was gone.