Pool Boy Problems
Doctor, I’ve got skinnydipping with Daddy issues.
PATIENT: Your patient Drake O’Connell is a friend of mine and… Doctor: Who? Patient: Drake O’Connell? He said he sees you three times a week? (Pause.) Doctor: Oh, the pervert! Patient: Are you a real shrink? Doctor: No, I just play one for DNA magazine. Patient: (Looks worried.) Doctor: Just a little psycho humor. Of course I’m a real doctor. And yes, Drake is coming so many times a month I was able to afford my seven man hot tub with 52 stainless steel jets and programmable digital multi-color LED lights in the shell. It’s where I hold my group therapy sessions. I think I’ll name it the Drake… Patient: O’Connell? Doctor: Yes! The Drake O’Connell Memorial Hot Tub! But I digress. Please go on. Patient: Drake said you were handsome and young looking for your age and he wasn’t kidding. Doctor: Drake may be a pervert but he’s got great taste. Patient: How old are you? Doctor: You never ask a shrink their age. But I must admit, between the ages of 29 and 30 were the best ten years of my life. Patient: I’m not sure I follow but whatever it is, it works. Doctor: I’ve been drinking Oil Of Delay for decades. Patient: Drinking what? Doctor: Since you’re attracted to me and I’m a wee bit older, do you have “father” issues? Patient: He died when I was a young boy. Doctor: (Sitting taller in his seat.) And now you find yourself hungry for older men in hopes of recreating the bond you never had with your biological father? A man who can teach you and guide you and massage you to sleep at night? Patient: Ah, no. He was very wealthy and left my mother a ton of money. She recently remarried. My stepfather is younger than she is and… well… he’s incredibly handsome. Doctor: (Arches his eyebrow.) Handsome in what ways? Patient: Well, he is just over six feet tall, has cobalt blue eyes and curly brown hair that always falls perfectly into place… Doctor: As opposed to yours? Patient: (Self-consciously primps hair.) Mine does have a mind of its own. I know it looks like a – Doctor: Hat. Patient: Excuse me? Doctor: A cheap cap. How old are you? Patient: 27. Doctor: And are you still living with your mother? Patient: Yes. Doctor: Now there’s your problem. Please go on. Patient: Well, things have become a little awkward with mother and… Doctor: No, I meant please go on with the description of your stepfather. You said he was a strapping man with muscles bulging in places you never knew existed? Patient: He does! He hasn’t a job so he spends a lot of time at home. And recently during one really hot day when my mum was gone doing errands I thought I’d cool off with a swim in our pool. Doctor: (Slaps his knee knowing he was right.) Patient: What? Doctor: You are now officially invited to my group therapy sessions in my seven, ah, eight man hot tub with 52 stainless steel jets and programmable digital multi-color LED lights in the shell. Patient: Um. Doctor: Do you wear boxy trunks or are you proud and evolved and wear just enough thong to contain your penis and balls in the pouch that’s about to explode with the weight of your endowment and, in the back, there’s an itsy bitsy strip of fabric to hide your runway? Patient: I wear a speedo. Doctor: One that when spritzed lightly with water everyone can see the outline of your manhood? Patient: I’m circumcised. Doctor: No, I meant… you are a tough nut to crack. Please, go on. Patient: So my stepfather and I are alone in the house and it’s hot and I go out to the pool and sit down at the edge and let my legs dangle into the cool water. And before I know it, I hear a splash and my stepfather surfaces from underneath the water and positions himself right in front of me and places a hand on each of my knees and says, “Come, take a dip with me. But slip off your suit, it’s much too hot today.” Doctor: It was, wasn’t it? Patient: What? Doctor: Much too hot that day? Patient: In more ways than one. I peered down into the water and realised he was naked. Stark naked! Doctor: Let me just interject, you do have a serious situation and it’s likely you should see me more times a week than Drake… now please continue. Patient: I started to tremble; I was so nervous and excited at the same time. Doctor: (Looking at his watch.) Quickly, tell me what happened? Patient: I saluted him. Doctor: (Confused.) He’s a soldier? Patient: No… I… you know… down there. I stood at attention. Doctor: Your problem is you can’t talk sex. Patient: I… had an erection. Doctor: Who doesn’t? Patient: What? Doctor: (Looks at his watch again.) Yes, yes, go on! Patient: His hands worked their way to my bathing suit and he signaled me to lift my hips and… (A doorbell rings.) Doctor: Hold that… thought… your time is up. Patient: But Doctor, I feel so frustrated that I have to stop. Doctor: Join the club.