DEAR DIVA’S ADVICE.

YOU’VE GOT BIG GAY PROBLEMS… SHE’S GOT STRAIGHT-TALKIN’ ANSWERS!

Dear Diva,

I had too much too drink at our office holiday party and ended up sleeping with one of my colleagues who happens to be married to a woman. It was just a drunken one-night stand to me, but he wants to get together again. I know his wife and don’t want to get involved with him.

Dear Holiday Whore,

Please keep your dick in your pants at the office party next year. Perhaps you should set a limit on how much you drink if you’re the type who’s going to show off his ass after the third cocktail. This shit happens far too often at office parties. I have seen people get fired for acting like fools. Tell this married motherfucker that he should file his memories of your encounter in his spank bank and move on because that’s the last piece of your ass he’s getting! Dear Diva,

While I was sick with the flu my boyfriend decided to go out and party with his friends who were visiting from out of town. I thought his behavior was very selfish. I would have never abandoned him if he’d been sick.

Dear Typhoid Mary,

What!!! Stop being a fucking drama queen. Your man’s friends were in town for a brief period and there was nothing wrong with him spending some time with them. Obviously, since you are writing to me, you didn’t fall over and die. Take a long look in the mirror. Could it be you who is being selfish? Dear Diva,

I went on a few dates with a guy who was introduced to me by a mutual friend. He’s very nice, treats me well and has a very successful career but for some reason I just don’t find him attractive. I don’t want to hurt his feelings and I don’t want my friend upset with me. Dear Nice Guy Drama,

Life is too fucking short to be miserable. If you’re not attracted to this man don’t waste your time or his. Don’t be a pussy. Tell him how you feel so that you can both move on. Sounds like you could end up good friends, perhaps? You also need to be honest with your friend and let him know that things aren’t working out. Thank him for trying to find you a new man. Don’t burn this bridge. The next match-up could be a winner. Dear Diva,

My new boyfriend and I are having trouble deciding on where to go on our first vacation together. He wants to go mountain climbing. I have a fear of heights. I suggested we go to a spa retreat instead. He doesn’t like that idea. I have made a ton of other suggestions but he really wants to go mountain climbing.

Dear Holiday Hell,

I think you and this motherfucker should take separate vacations. Let him go climb a fucking mountain! You go to the spa, relax and get your ass smacked with seaweed. The purpose of a vacation is to relax and rejuvenate yourself – not to be stressed out and scared to death clinging to the side of a mountain and having to be humiliatingly rescued by helicopter when your worst nightmare phobia kicks and you get paralysis or some shit. Also, baby, he is not listening to you when you say, “I’m afraid of height.” What else is he not hearing you say?

Let him go climb a fucking mountain! You go to the spa, relax and get your ass smacked with seaweed.