DEAR DIVA’S AD­VICE.

YOU’VE GOT BIG GAY PROB­LEMS… SHE’S GOT STRAIGHT-TALKIN’ AN­SWERS!

DNA Magazine - - CONTENT #216 -

Dear Diva,

I had too much too drink at our of­fice hol­i­day party and ended up sleep­ing with one of my col­leagues who hap­pens to be mar­ried to a woman. It was just a drunken one-night stand to me, but he wants to get to­gether again. I know his wife and don’t want to get in­volved with him.

Dear Hol­i­day Whore,

Please keep your dick in your pants at the of­fice party next year. Per­haps you should set a limit on how much you drink if you’re the type who’s go­ing to show off his ass af­ter the third cock­tail. This shit hap­pens far too of­ten at of­fice par­ties. I have seen peo­ple get fired for act­ing like fools. Tell this mar­ried moth­er­fucker that he should file his mem­o­ries of your en­counter in his spank bank and move on be­cause that’s the last piece of your ass he’s get­ting! Dear Diva,

While I was sick with the flu my boyfriend de­cided to go out and party with his friends who were vis­it­ing from out of town. I thought his be­hav­ior was very self­ish. I would have never aban­doned him if he’d been sick.

Dear Typhoid Mary,

What!!! Stop be­ing a fuck­ing drama queen. Your man’s friends were in town for a brief pe­riod and there was noth­ing wrong with him spend­ing some time with them. Ob­vi­ously, since you are writ­ing to me, you didn’t fall over and die. Take a long look in the mir­ror. Could it be you who is be­ing self­ish? Dear Diva,

I went on a few dates with a guy who was in­tro­duced to me by a mu­tual friend. He’s very nice, treats me well and has a very suc­cess­ful ca­reer but for some rea­son I just don’t find him at­trac­tive. I don’t want to hurt his feel­ings and I don’t want my friend up­set with me. Dear Nice Guy Drama,

Life is too fuck­ing short to be mis­er­able. If you’re not at­tracted to this man don’t waste your time or his. Don’t be a pussy. Tell him how you feel so that you can both move on. Sounds like you could end up good friends, per­haps? You also need to be hon­est with your friend and let him know that things aren’t work­ing out. Thank him for try­ing to find you a new man. Don’t burn this bridge. The next match-up could be a win­ner. Dear Diva,

My new boyfriend and I are hav­ing trou­ble de­cid­ing on where to go on our first va­ca­tion to­gether. He wants to go moun­tain climb­ing. I have a fear of heights. I sug­gested we go to a spa re­treat in­stead. He doesn’t like that idea. I have made a ton of other sugges­tions but he re­ally wants to go moun­tain climb­ing.

Dear Hol­i­day Hell,

I think you and this moth­er­fucker should take sep­a­rate va­ca­tions. Let him go climb a fuck­ing moun­tain! You go to the spa, re­lax and get your ass smacked with sea­weed. The pur­pose of a va­ca­tion is to re­lax and re­ju­ve­nate your­self – not to be stressed out and scared to death cling­ing to the side of a moun­tain and hav­ing to be hu­mil­i­at­ingly res­cued by he­li­copter when your worst night­mare pho­bia kicks and you get paral­y­sis or some shit. Also, baby, he is not lis­ten­ing to you when you say, “I’m afraid of height.” What else is he not hear­ing you say?

Let him go climb a fuck­ing moun­tain! You go to the spa, re­lax and get your ass smacked with sea­weed.

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