GROOMING THE GROOMS
AFTER A SPECTACULAR FAMILY WEDDING DAY FAIL, DNA’S GROOMING EXPERT WILL FENNELL SAYS HE’LL PASS ON THE CEREMONY, HOWEVER, HE STILL HAS HOT TIPS FOR GROOMS-TO-BE.
YES, I want to be married one day. An actual wedding ceremony, however… I might give it a miss. My family, you see, has left me traumatized when it comes to matrimonial celebrations.
Aside from years of drunken fights and screaming siblings (and that wasn’t even at our own family weddings), there was the time my grandfather walked one of my sisters down the aisle… and poop himself at the altar.
This should have been a funny anecdote, a tale to be shared with the generations to come because, let’s face it, my family is always joking about poop in some context. But this was the wrong sister for this particular shit to happen to. Normally somewhat sane, but on the day of her nuptials, as the odor permeated the church and people begun whispering, the Bridezilla-on-crack was unleashed!
This unfortunate mishap then set off a chain of events that ultimately saw one of my other sisters hysterically driving a car through the wedding marquee and crashing it right through the wedding cake. Cut to the bride screaming and threatening to kill everyone, while the terrified wedding guests fled for safety.
I had to fireman’s-lift my hysterical mother out of the mélange of shrieking siblings before blood was shed. It’s interesting how strong you are when disaster strikes. They say it’s adrenaline, I say it’s a sister-bride with a cake knife in her hand!
What a shame this was before smart phones. We would definitely have won Australia’s Funniest Home Videos and scored that hundred grand! A kid falling off a trampoline and head butting the ground has nothing on a chocolate mud cake hurtling through the air after a headon collision with a Ford Falcon ute and one of my dogged sisters!!
So, now you understand why I wont be having a wedding any time soon. My wedding-trauma is real. I am, however, more than happy to help you look your best on your big day. That’s my job.
But don’t say I didn’t warn you to not tempt fate. My honest advice: defer disaster and elope!