GROOM­ING THE GROOMS

AF­TER A SPEC­TAC­U­LAR FAM­ILY WED­DING DAY FAIL, DNA’S GROOM­ING EX­PERT WILL FEN­NELL SAYS HE’LL PASS ON THE CER­E­MONY, HOW­EVER, HE STILL HAS HOT TIPS FOR GROOMS-TO-BE.

DNA Magazine - - NEWS -

YES, I want to be mar­ried one day. An ac­tual wed­ding cer­e­mony, how­ever… I might give it a miss. My fam­ily, you see, has left me trau­ma­tized when it comes to mat­ri­mo­nial cel­e­bra­tions.

Aside from years of drunken fights and scream­ing sib­lings (and that wasn’t even at our own fam­ily wed­dings), there was the time my grand­fa­ther walked one of my sis­ters down the aisle… and poop him­self at the al­tar.

This should have been a funny anec­dote, a tale to be shared with the gen­er­a­tions to come be­cause, let’s face it, my fam­ily is al­ways jok­ing about poop in some con­text. But this was the wrong sis­ter for this par­tic­u­lar shit to hap­pen to. Nor­mally some­what sane, but on the day of her nup­tials, as the odor per­me­ated the church and peo­ple be­gun whis­per­ing, the Bridezilla-on-crack was un­leashed!

This un­for­tu­nate mishap then set off a chain of events that ul­ti­mately saw one of my other sis­ters hys­ter­i­cally driv­ing a car through the wed­ding mar­quee and crash­ing it right through the wed­ding cake. Cut to the bride scream­ing and threat­en­ing to kill ev­ery­one, while the ter­ri­fied wed­ding guests fled for safety.

I had to fire­man’s-lift my hys­ter­i­cal mother out of the mélange of shriek­ing sib­lings be­fore blood was shed. It’s in­ter­est­ing how strong you are when dis­as­ter strikes. They say it’s adren­a­line, I say it’s a sis­ter-bride with a cake knife in her hand!

What a shame this was be­fore smart phones. We would def­i­nitely have won Aus­tralia’s Fun­ni­est Home Videos and scored that hun­dred grand! A kid fall­ing off a tram­po­line and head butting the ground has noth­ing on a choco­late mud cake hurtling through the air af­ter a headon col­li­sion with a Ford Fal­con ute and one of my dogged sis­ters!!

So, now you un­der­stand why I wont be hav­ing a wed­ding any time soon. My wed­ding-trauma is real. I am, how­ever, more than happy to help you look your best on your big day. That’s my job.

But don’t say I didn’t warn you to not tempt fate. My hon­est ad­vice: de­fer dis­as­ter and elope!

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