SALLY’S SON SAM
Growing up gay is hard, even in the most supportive homes… even when your mum is Sally Field!
Growing up gay can be tough, even if your mum’s the coolest, gay-friendly mum ever! Sam Greisman shares his story.
In the television series Brothers
And Sisters, acclaimed actor Sally Field played an in-your-face, takeno-prisoners, she-wolf mother who defended her gay kids to her last breath. She was the mum we all wished we’d had. But what would it be like if you were gay and you really did call the legendary star “mom”? Sam Greisman knows. The writer, producer and director told DNA that even being the youngest child of a screen icon whose advocacy saw her presented with an Ally for Equality Award was no “free pass” to selfacceptance. Interview by Ian Horner. DNA: Tell us about coming out to your mother Sally Field and the rest of the family.
Sam Greisman: It’s definitely different to what I’d assume a lot of coming-out stories are in that my family is so supportive, so extremely supportive, and my mom especially. I’m very lucky. The question of it causing a problem or being divisive was never part of my coming out. I knew it was okay to be gay. That made me anxious more than anything! She was trying to help me come out! I was embarrassed and mortified… Yet, that was the best she could possibly do. You couldn’t ask for anything more!
How exactly did she try to help!?
Mom would say, “Watch this with me” or “Let’s go see this” or “Let’s talk about this” … to create the space for me to open up. She’d push anything about being in touch with your true self. She was always trying to get me to have that conversation with her. [Smiles.] I have a vivid memory of her wanting me to sit down and watch Brokeback Mountain with her!
Did you?
No. I wasn’t ready for that!
When was the first time you suspected you were gay?
Looking back, I remember having crushes on guys, but it wasn’t until I was about 14 or 15 that I started to be aware of it and worry about others figuring it out before I had a handle on it. How did you come out to yourself?
That was the only coming-out I had to do and that took the longest. Most of high school, I tried to swallow it down. Between my freshman and sophomore [college] years when I was home alone, flipping the TV channels, I came across a video of mom and myself, on a red carpet somewhere, when I was 11. Suddenly I was irretrievably sad, looking at my younger self, not knowing who that person was. That night I found all our home movies and watched them over and over. I was just desperate to see myself as a little kid and try to connect somehow. I remember looking in the mirror thinking, I don’t see this face as being the same face as the one in the movies – how could that face have grown into this face? I didn’t know what this weird existential crisis was, I just had this insane sense of loss and sadness.
Did you talk to your mom about it?
She. Asked what it was about being a little kid that I missed and I said I didn’t feel like myself, didn’t feel a connection. Maybe I was trying to fight off making the connection? She was just
It gradually became clear, inescapably, that I was swallowing my sexuality and it was suffocating me.
hinting round the subject, not forcing things. I was 19. It gradually became clear, inescapably, that I was swallowing my sexuality and it was suffocating me. It was a process and it started with this drip, drip, drip.
Once you started getting comfortable with yourself, was it time to have the talk? Or were there more drip-feed conversations?
Yeah, there was more drip-feed talks with everyone in my family. I talked about how I was feeling sad and depressed and anxious. I never needed to sit down and have “the talk” with my brothers, Eli and Peter, or my mom or my dad. It was just a case of… you need to figure this out, start learning about yourself, start accepting, start experiencing. I needed to go out into the big gay world!
When Sally accepted her Ally For Equality Award, she said parents of gay children have a lot to learn from their kids. What have you taught your mum?
A lot of silly things, probably. I definitely had to explain to her that she’s a gay icon. Other than that, maybe the importance of me going at my own pace. I have the most supportive gay-friendly family on the planet and still I felt anxious and stressed out and uncomfortable. They did the best they could do and they did everything right from day one to try to help but it couldn’t get easier for me until I dealt with it. You can’t force it to happen until it’s going to happen.
You still had to find something… inside? Yeah! I had stereotypical gay interests but I was also really into sports. I felt betwixt and between. There were no professional athletes who were out back then. It’s different now. My main experience with gay culture was musicals and Will And Grace. And I didn’t really want to be Will And Grace. As great as the show is, gays were the butt of the joke. Jack is a punchline. Brothers And Sisters gave us gay characters who didn’t need to come out. Being gay never had to be explained. >>
>> Yeah, I hadn’t thought of it like that, but you’re right… Being gay on the show wasn’t a big deal. Certainly not to my mom and the writers and Matthew [Rhys, as Norah’s gay son Kevin Walker].
How aware were you of Sally’s commitment to keep the show gay-positive?
A bit. With Brothers And Sisters my mom was just as dedicated and driven as she always is, whatever she’s doing. That’s part of her thing, her tenacity and commitment and work ethic. How did you explain to Sally Field that she’s a gay icon?
[Laughs.] She still doesn’t get it! I didn’t really understand it myself until I came out and started dating. I had to figure out how to broach the subject when I met someone. I thought people wouldn’t care much, but in the gay community it’s a bigger deal than I thought. Then I had to explain it to her. I said,
“There are parents who shut their gay kids out of their hearts and their homes. And that I find unacceptable! They’re just different from their other brothers and sisters. And so the fuck what!” – Sally Field, accepting her Ally for Equality Award in 2012.
“You’re a strong woman who wears her heart on her sleeve and you’re a protective mother and you’re emotional and you celebrate being emotional – you’re all those things.” And she says, “But I don’t sing!” And I say, “Okay, you don’t sing but gay icons have branched out beyond singing these days…”
How did she keep her fame out of family life? Her natural shyness kept it out of family life. She’s never wanted to go to lots of parties and Hollywood things. She doesn’t seek the limelight and she’s been in it for so long. By the time I was born she had a handle on it. It’s also different in LA because you are always around people who are in the business, especially in the bubble I grew up in. That dulls it a bit. You tend to take it for granted until you grow up and move off to college. That’s when it hit me that I had a stranger upbringing than most.
Did she directly influence you politically or
I have the most supportive, gay-friendly family on the planet and still I felt anxious and stressed. They did everything right… it couldn’t get easier until I dealt with it.
just raise you with awareness?
That’s interesting. I’m sure I got most of it directly from her and my family. My brothers are 18 and 16 years older than me. I was the baby of the family and I insisted on sitting with all the grown-ups because I didn’t want to be the little kid. She never sat me down and said you need to know this stuff. It seeped into my consciousness because I was always around it. The only thing I definitely give her credit for is making me a feminist. Women’s rights is something I feel passionate about.
We’ve come a long way over the last generation or so, yet suddenly we have NeoConservative hard-line values sweeping back and a President who’s…
…a monster.
… who’s trying hard to undo it all. How did that happen?
That’s the question of the day for America. It’s a lot of things. There was a lot of backlash against electing the first black president. There’s a backlash against social advances. There were also a lot of economic things: people were left behind and felt angry. There’s this overwhelming sense of fear of the other – gays, other races, immigrants. Baseless fear, it’s insane. And there’s a white majority that feels they’re owed something. They see some people being given rights when they are struggling to pay bills and they’re angry about it. The easiest place for them to put their anger is on others. It’s all being exploited. Hard-line conservatives are using him. They saw an opportunity to ride him to power. He’s a sociopath who wanted fame and attention. He’s always felt weak and desperately wanted to be part of the elite. I don’t think Trump has any real values. He just wants to talk about himself.
Did you ever see Brokeback Mountain?
Yeah, I did. Beautifully directed and acted.
You made your own short films Playing Men (2014), After School (2015) and Dinner With Jeffrey (2016), part of your college film studies. More films on their way?
Hopefully. I finished at Columbia and my thesis was two film scripts. The endgame is that I’ll be able to make them into films down the road, for sure. They’re not gay-themed, but there are gay characters. I’m more interested in gay people just being out in their lives. We don’t see enough of that. Okay, people we’ve finally come out – but what then?
Indeed. Anything you would like to add?
I just want to say I feel very blessed to be able to call Sally Field my mother. In addition to being an extraordinarily talented actress, I know she will have my back for as long as she lives.