SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!

There’s no “one size fits all” rule when it comes to choosing the right toy for your butt.

There’s no “one size fits all” when it comes to choosing the right toy for your butt.

DID YOU HEAR about the man went to the emergency room to have a 23-inch dildo fished out of his ass? This isn’t even a joke. The thing was so big, doctors had to invent a new contraption to complete the surgery.

As this guy learned the hard way, every asshole is unique and there’s no “one size fits all holes” rule to follow when choosing the right implement for your anus.

If you’re new to the wonderful world of shoving toys up your ass, here are a few tips to help you find the best fit for your precious hole.

FOR BEGINNER BOTTOMS…

If you want to loosen yourself up before you move into the big league, start with a training dildo. Training dildos don’t look like realistic penises. They’re often shaped in a form that’s easy to insert (small, tapered butt plug with a base), and they can come in packs of three sizes: tiny, medium and regular.

DONG OR DILDO: WHAT’S BETTER?

Dildos have a base. Dongs do not. One isn’t necessarily better than the other, but keep in mind that having a flared base or fake testicles at the end of your anal toy can help prevent the toy from disappearing deep inside you.

AVOID HAVING EYES BIGGER THAN YOUR BUTT

Unless you’re a fan of anal fissures, bigger isn’t always better. So, when it comes to choosing the size of your anal toy, how big is too big?

If you’re an experienced bottom, you probably know how many inches you can take inside you before your eyes start to bug out. If you’re new to the world of anal play and you’re not sure, err on the side of caution. Think back to your previous sexual encounters for clues. How big was the cock of your best fuck? How big was “too big”?

The first dildo I ever bought was one of those gigantic, thick, double-ended dongs. I’m talking 18-inches end-to-end. Having seen porn stars take it like a pro, I thought my hole would surely enjoy it, too. Wrong! It was too wide to fit inside me. And, because it was technically designed for two people, it was also way too long. I threw it in the trash after one attempt. May it rest in peace.

FLYING SOLO OR PLAYING WITH A FRIEND?

If you’re going be using the toy all on your lonesome, find something that suction caps onto a wall.

If your anal toy sessions are more of a team sport, then it’s probably a good idea to buy a toy that has a handle or wide base. Lube can make things slippery, and toys can disappear faster than you can say, “Oh, my god, where the fuck did it go?”

You can also get butt toys that bring pleasure to you and the lucky guy who’s fucking you, like the Raw Pup from Fort Troff. It’s a butt plug for you, and a fuckable sleeve for the top.

TOO DEEP TOO SOON? TRY A PROSTATE MASSAGER INSTEAD

If larger, longer toys are too much to handle, or you just want some variety in your toy box, prostate massagers are the way to go. They’re shorter than a regular dildo and angled to ensure they hit your prostate just so. Prostate stimulation can lead to some of the most intense orgasms you’ll ever experience without even touching your dick, especially when someone else is in control of the massaging.

TO BEAD OR NOT TO BEAD

Anal beads are designed to increase pleasure during climax. Insert them during foreplay and pull them out just before you orgasm.

Some people like to have the beads pulled out slowly, others want them yanked out fast. It comes down to context and personal preference. If it’s your first time taking beads for a spin, start with a smaller set that has a handle at the base. You can always move on to tennis-ball sized beads in the future!

SILICONE, GLASS, PLASTIC?

Again, personal preference dictates. The asshole is a sensitive, special snowflake. So generally, the softer and smoother the better. Firmer toys with sharp edges can tear your asshole a new asshole, so carefully examine every toy before you bring one home.

FOR THE LOVE OF LUBE

Keep in mind, even a “perfect” anal toy can feel awful if you aren’t properly lubed up. Apply and re-apply quality lube to the toy before and during sexytime. If you find the postplay clean-up to be impossible, buy a sex toy cleaning solution that removes lube and keeps everything hygienic.

How big is too big? If you’re new to anal play, err on the side of caution.

MORE: Want to ask a question or make a suggestion for a future column? Email Cameron