IS MONOGAMY THE NEW MINORITY?

Our new columnist comes to grips with the reality of the modern gay relationship.

Is monogamy the new minority? IT SEEMS WE’RE EITHER BATTLING TO KEEP

traditions or breaking them; whether it be changing the date of Australia Day (seriously, just change it) or marriage equality (the best tradition edit ever). Which brings me to the dating world.

While relaxing with a glass of rosé and some Real Housewives, I was absentmindedly scrolling through my dating apps and noticed how many of the profiles belonged to people who were either already partnered or singles seeking a couple for a third. After popping the Housewives on pause, I thought: are the days of two people falling in love and committing to only each other until death do they part over?

Polyamory was a word I’d only ever heard in passing at university drama parties over $4 bottles of wine. So I looked it up and discovered it’s “the practice of engaging in multiple sexual relationships with the consent of all the people involved.”

I was absolutely baffled – like #savebritney baffled – to discover that polyamory has been around since forever. The ancient Egyptians, Africans and Chinese have all been at it. I also discovered that monogamy, in relation to the vastness of time, is a relatively recent social norm that has more to do with economics and religion than with romance. So, why has monogamy been romanticised in modern culture? Why is it considered more socially acceptable that an open or polyamorous relationship?

Always a fan of a focus group, I broached the subject with my social media followers and the responses were enlightening. Open relationships are a lot more popular and common than I’d thought.

The main reason people said they participate in a poly lifestyle is to rid the relationship of any supressed desires and deceit. That makes sense. People have been cheating on their partners for forever but, in an open relationship, where the boundaries are set (to the comfort levels of those involved) there’s less opportunity for people to get hurt. I use the word “less” because jealousy is still prevalent to some degre, but the participating parties have to work on letting go of that jealousy and sexual possessiveness while still maintaining their romantic commitment to each other.

Why does the concept of an open relationship seem so foreign to me?

In all the movies, TV shows, books, comics, songs, advertisements I’ve seen, monogamy is the relationship norm. The indoctrination began with Disney princesses and goes all the way through to my adulthood viewing, Sex And The City, in which three women try to find their one true “Big” love while a fourth just has multiple orgasms with some really fine gentlemen. That these are our given choices – monogamy or reckless, slutty singledom – is it a surprise that A-meets-B monogamy is regarded as the best and only option?

A lot of the consensus around monogamy is that people like the safety of the commitment from that one special person. I can relate. However, what happens when we find ourselves sexually attracted to somebody who is not our partner? Do we supress that desire or do we cheat? Is transitioning into a polyamorous lifestyle the answer? Are jealousy and trust two fundamentals that we will never be able to fully reconcile within any relationship paradigm, whether it be an A and B relationship or an A, B, C and the rest of the alphabet situation?

Every relationship is unique, so these are questions that can only be answered by the two (or more) people involved. If they can make these decisions work for them, then ultimately isn’t that a success?

Personally, I’m still working on finding that “one” before I can focus on what the constructs of our hypothetical relationship will be. But perhaps I shouldn’t be looking for just “one” at all.

Monogamy, in relation to the vastness of time, is a recent social norm…