MAN TO MAN: HOTTER SEX
We answer your questions.
This month, Cameron answers questions from DNA readers.
Q: I’m gay and I’ve never slept with a woman. But recently I’ve started jacking off to straight porn. Am I turning bisexual?
A: Yes. No. And maybe! There’s no right answer here and there doesn’t need to be. As long as you’re not breaking the law or hurting anyone, you’re free to jack off to whatever makes you cum the hardest. You’ll have more fun if you stop overthinking it.
But remember, just because you enjoy a particular sexual fantasy, it doesn’t have to define your sexuality, and it doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll enjoy it in real life.
Q: My partner doesn’t reciprocate during sex and I always feel like I’m doing all of the work. I find it very uncomfortable to bring it up with him. How do I get him to change? A: My guess is that you’re stuck in one of two situations. Either you’re dating an inexperienced lover who just doesn’t know any better or you’re dating a selfish lover who doesn’t give a shit about you in the bedroom.
The first situation can be dealt with. Tell him you want to be more creative in the bedroom. Schedule time for sex. (Yes, put fuck night in your calendar. Trust me, it’s a thing.) Make a list of all the positions, experiences and fantasy scenarios you’d like to try. Edging is going to be good here; it’ll stop him from cumming before you’re satisfied. Work on becoming better lovers together.
If your lover is just selfish, firstly, you need to get over your discomfort about bringing it up and start talking! If he doesn’t want to have that conversation, and he’s not prepared to do some work, nothing’s going to change.
If you’re dating someone who is happy using you to get off without any reciprocation, then my advice is: run. That selfish attitude tends to rear its ugly head in other aspects of the relationship, too.
If he won’t meet you halfway, then spend some time with this question: Are you willing to spend a lifetime with someone who does not, and will not, satisfy your sexual needs?
Q: I see hot guys at the gym and in bars, but I never have the guts to talk to them. Any tips for getting better at chatting up guys in real life? A: Yes! We could (and should) write a whole column on gay pick up tips. In the meantime, here’s some quick advice that’ll help:
1. Everyone is terrified of initiating conversations with strangers in public. When you become the guy who’s brave enough to say, “Hello,” first, it’s surprising how many people will respond positively.
2. Have a good opener that tells other people you’re a confident, non-threatening human. Don’t say, “Amazing ass!” or “Nice cucumber ya got there,” to a guy in the supermarket. A simple, “Hey, how’s it going?” is a good way to start. From there, read the signs (body language, reciprocation) and see where it goes.
3. Don’t be creepy. Just because someone’s being polite, it doesn’t mean they’re interested in a date or sex. Shoot your shot, read the room, and if the other person isn’t interested, don’t be a pest. That means don’t stare, don’t touch without permission, don’t keep talking when they’re trying to back away. Just move on and try again until you connect with someone who’s buying what you’re putting down.
4. Finally, you’ll get over your fear of rejection faster if you treat meeting men in public like a numbers game. Every “No thank you,” brings you closer to a, “Hi! It’s nice to meet you, too!” If you take rejection personally, you won’t have any fun with this process.
Q: I’m pretty vanilla with sex and want to expand my horizons. Where do I start?
A: If you truly have no clue where to put your dick or puckering hole next, the internet is your best friend. Fire up a few porn sites and click on everything that you wouldn’t normally browse. Bondage. S&M. Straight porn. Trans porn. Water sports. Group sex. Solo. Tickling. Rubber and lycra play. ASMR. Balloon play. Tickle play. Even fart play, blood, and scat (no judgment).
If you want to get really deep into the world of kink, Vice.com has a pretty good library of interviews (articles, videos and series) that cover some of the more obscure stuff.
Your goal isn’t to be into everything you see, rather, it’s to not judge yourself while you watch what the world does behind closed doors and figure out which kinks make you the hardest. Your boner will guide the way.
That said, I often find that when people ask this question they already have an idea of something they’d like to try but they’re afraid to take the steps and enter that world. If you already have an idea about where you’d like to dip your toe (or dick), then you’ll need to deal with the psychological barriers that are getting in your way. Is it fear? Are you judging yourself for wanting something that you, your community, your family or your culture has deemed “bad”? Are you waiting for someone to give you permission?
You’ll need to figure out how to feel the fear and do it anyway. As long as you aren’t hurting anybody and you’re engaging with mutual consent, there are no rules to sex. You have permission to pursue what interests you. Be safe and smart about it. Go at your own pace. If you end up not liking something, you’ve lost nothing in that discovery.