THE COURAGE TO FIND JOY
Good dads go the extra mile for their kids. For Scott Stuart, that meant dressing up as Elsa from Frozen and writing and illustrating a book to help other parents. Interview by Mike Hitch.
Good dads go the extra mile for their kids. For Scott Stuart, that meant dressing up as Elsa from Frozen and writing a book.
DNA: Many parents are completely fed up with Frozen! Has your relationship to the film changed after seeing how much Colin loves Elsa?
Scott Stuart: I’m already a fan of animated movies so it’s no burden for me to watch a movie for the 50th time. But Frozen definitely has a place in our hearts as a film that gave permission to my son to express the things that he loves and gave him an awesome female role model to look up to and emulate.
You’ve mentioned that you never gave gender roles much thought before Colin’s experience. Why do you think that was?
My mum recently showed me a cookbook from when I was a kid that had all different birthday cakes and was in sections: “for boys” and “for girls”. As a kid, I had crossed out those titles and written “for boys and girls” so maybe I have been thinking about gender roles far longer than I thought.
But I definitely grew up within a rigid definition of masculinity and it was a definition that I thrived in, so it wasn’t something I ever really thought about. As an adult I became a professional dancer after years of pursuing a career in rugby and I experienced a huge amount of teasing – that started to make me see just how fragile traditional masculinity can be and just how much joy is abandoned in the name of ‘being a man’. So, when my son started falling in love with Elsa, I started actively learning and questioning gender roles because I wanted him to grow up being able to experience all the joy of life, not just what “men are supposed to do”.
Why is it important for parents to encourage their children to unashamedly love the things they love and be true to themselves, even if others may not approve?
The only outcomes of telling a child that it’s wrong for them to love the things they love are that they internalise shame or they no longer trust their own emotions and both of those can have really tragic outcomes like depression and self-harm.
My son being allowed to express himself fully has brought the most incredible joy to our lives and friendships built on pure acceptance. When we stop our kids being true to themselves, we are actively stealing their dreams and robbing them of so much possibility.
Have you had much criticism about your response and, if so, where has it come from? Yes, I have received my fair share of criticism. Random online hate is easy to deal with but well-meaning worry is the most difficult. Family coming to you from a place of love (and massive amounts of misinformation and bias) saying things like, “Aren’t you afraid you’re confusing his gender? Aren’t you afraid of bullying?”
My mum had those concerns. She thought that me letting my son dress like Elsa was wrong. She was carrying so much fear from her own upbringing and media talking points that she was trying to pass that fear on to me and my son. But you don’t have to carry the fears of your family. I gave her an ultimatum that she could either accept my son or not be in his life at all, and I was deadly serious about it. Now, years later, she is one of his fiercest allies. You’ve talked about how when boys dress up as Elsa or Wonder Woman it’s seen as “shameful”. What role do you believe family plays in helping break down these concepts of shame?
Family is extremely important in breaking down the cycle of shame. As soon as a young child starts expressing that they want to do something outside of a gender stereotype it becomes the family who decides for the child whether they’re going to be celebrated or shamed. And, often, it’s not because the child
is actually being hurt in any way, it’s because the parent is afraid, worried or uncomfortable – and that burden gets passed onto their kids. For a long time, parents are the major influence in their kids’ lives. If you as a parent are willing to challenge your own conditioning, however uncomfortable it is, you’re teaching your kids to have the bravery to do the same.
Your response to Colin’s situation brought a sense of hope to many people. Why do you think your story was so powerful?
A man I know in New Zealand came up to me and said, “You let your son dress like Elsa?” and I said that I did, expecting criticism or judgment. Instead he burst into tears and said, “I wish I had been allowed that level of selfexpression as a kid.”
We all want to be accepted for who we are and we often want it most from the people who don’t accept us. Challenging that stereotype and showing complete acceptance, I think, gives hope to people that they could be fully accepted, too. And also being candid about the initial discomfort I had.
You’ve spoken about the importance of the My Shadow Is Pink movie for kids to see representations of themselves. Do you think seeing that representation is just as important for parents?
It’s really important for young kids to see themselves represented on screen but it’s just as important for everyone around them to see it as well. If parents turn on the TV and there are shows with boys breaking gender stereotypes, they’re not going to think twice about their own son doing the same, and may also see the incredible benefits of exposing their kids to far more than just things within a rigid stereotype.
Many parents of children who like things they’re “not supposed to” are scared that their child is going to get hurt. What advice can you give to parents about that?
Firstly, I want to acknowledge that there is absolutely a level of persecution that may be experienced if your child is seen as “different”. But the community that will love and accept your child is huge.
My son has experienced teasing and bullying. He has an Elsa lunchbox that he took to school every day. Another boy started teasing him about it. Instead of just getting rid of the lunchbox we focused on instilling massive self-confidence. We talked to him about our definition of confidence (having the bravery to be true to yourself even in the face of discomfort or disapproval), and we showed him people in media that love the same things he loves. We had honest conversations about why people may bully him, we spoke to him about times I have been bullied and overcome it (and also times that I succumbed to it), and then we gave him the choice of continuing to take the lunchbox to school or not. He chose to, and when confronted again, he confidently said, “Well I like Elsa and I’m going to keep bringing my lunchbox.” And the bullying stopped.
Do you feel the community has rallied around you in support of this project?
The support has been nothing short of extraordinary. We’ve had people from all over the world reaching out and sharing their journeys, and sharing how My Shadow Is Pink has impacted them. Hopefully it’s a sign that the world wants far more content like this.
Just because a little boy plays with dolls or wants to dress as a princess, we can’t make any assumptions about his sexual orientation or gender identity, would you agree? Definitely. A massive misconception out there is that if a boy likes to play with dolls or likes the colour pink that automatically means that he must be either gay or trans. It’s really important that we recognise that a child’s interests, their gender and their sexuality are completely different and separate things.
Does Colin still love Elsa? Has he switched over to team-Anna? Is there another prince or princess on the horizon?
He definitely still loves Elsa, but Queen Poppy (from Trolls) and the actual Queen Of England have taken over for the moment. He is completely fascinated by the Queen and loves to learn about her and her corgis.
Is there anything else you’d like to add? There are so many opinions about what is right and what is wrong. The only truth you should be thinking about is, “What is right for me and my family?” When my son starting breaking gender stereotypes, a level of joy was unlocked in him that simply wasn’t there before. It’s possible that the same joy can be unlocked in yours, if you have the courage.