ETIQUETTE ANXIETY.

Is it time to drop the niceties and speak our truths?

We’ve collectively witnessed our social lives fade away in the era of covid and with it, our social anxieties. Maybe now is the time to re-evaluate the way we socialy interact.

This tenacious virus has cast a light on all that’s wrong with the way things are done in the modern world, whether they be environmental, financial or behavioural. And, to my mind, social etiquette is no exception.

We’ve already seen the kiss hello and the good old handshake default to the clumsy elbow bump or the 1.5 metre self-conscious head nod. This relieves the awkwardness of determining if the person you are greeting is in the kiss-hello or handshake category of friend.

More pressing than greeting customs, though, is the need to reconsider which parts of ourselves are considered publicly acceptable, and which are not. I’m talking about the toxic positivity that has saturated our culture for so long.

In my late teens, I realised that when people ask, “How are you?” they didn’t want the truth about how I really was. Rather, they just wanted a polite, unemotional response, preferably, “I’m fine thanks, how are you?” Surface nonsense: nothing that reflected my reality. Anything else created a whole world of unease. There was a game to play, and it usually involved lying.

Into adulthood it was apparent that, although a more truthful answer was tolerated by a select few close relationships, telling someone faceto-face you disagreed with them or that they hurt or annoyed you, was taboo. It was reserved for either intimate partners or immediate family. The truth revealed to anyone else would likely result in the connection being severed or permanently strained.

The culture was clear. Be positive, light and agreeable or face the consequences. The theory was proven when I lost friendships after daring to veer from the formula. In all scenarios, neither party could cope with the tension left in the wake of the truth because we’ve been raised to avoid it.

I was certainly no exception. When the roles were reversed, I wound up with an ego so bruised or feelings so offended it generally spelled the beginning of the end for that friendship or professional relationship.

With skin so thin, it’s no wonder social anxiety made its way through my door and the doors of millions of others. We are continually expected to be disingenuous, phoney versions of ourselves. Speaking truth and being authentic is, much of the time, considered a flaw and an affront.

I envy those cultures that can be direct around life, who most often know where they stand with one another, as opposed to airing the truth only behind the backs of others. Sure, there might be arguing and hostility at times, but at least their feelings aren’t repressed, causing them to fester into long term resentment and bitterness.

Regardless of our culture, I think we can all agree that at this time of being forced apart, we need one another like never before. Yet, no longer should anything but the real deal suffice. It’s time for authenticity – warts and all – and to bid farewell to those cherry picked, hollow courtesies that for decades have left us drained, divided and totally unfulfilled.

We’re expected to be disingenuous versions of ourselves. Speaking truth is considered a flaw.