THE GOOD ENOUGH Parent
What to really expect in the toddler years
...I was checking my aim, Mum!” So buckle-up, parents, here’s some real-world advice for you...
Inspired by council clean-up and realising we haven’t fought for a while, Hubby and I decided to spend Saturday arguing about what to declutter from the garage and lounge room. Obviously, we have to keep every loose screw that’s ever been found on the floor “just in case”, and I have no intention of getting rid of the picture books I read to sleepy children for 11 years straight, but that have been collecting dust for the last four.
But then I came across the biggest case of false advertising in the world – my old copy of What To Expect: The Toddler Years. I attempted to give it away for free on Marketplace but didn’t get a single taker. See, this piece of garbage contains guides around development, toilet training, behavioural management and toddler diet, but absolutely nothing about a two-yearold peeing in your favourite shoes. “I was checking my aim, Mum!” So buckle-up, parents, here’s some realworld advice for you:
Toddlers want independence. They will assert this independence from the safety of your arms because they also want to be carried everywhere by you, their slave. Except in carparks. Oh no, carparks are not for carrying, they’re for running away.
You now live in a Fisher Pricesponsored trash dump with Bunnings safety corners on all of your expensive imported furniture. Don’t worry, though, your mother-in-law will tidy up when she comes over as she makes little comments about how competent parents were “back in her day”.
Tantrums. Reasons for said tantrums include, but are not limited to: Not letting them play on the road. Brushing their teeth. Not buying them a pet polar bear. Not being able to identify what their painting is. Someone ate the last Paddle Pop (it was them).
You will call the Poisons Hotline in a mad panic one day because your child consumed something while your back was turned for 2.1 seconds. It probably won’t be the scary bleach, it is more likely to be a dog worming tablet, printer toner, a glue stick or dishwashing detergent. “I wanted to fart bubbles, Mum”.
Forget everything you ever read about feeding a toddler. They only eat chicken nuggets and Tiny Teddies. Everyone on Instagram with pics of kids eating broccoli are filthy liars with excellent Photoshop skills.
You won’t go to the toilet alone for approximately four years. This is especially fun in public toilets where they will excitedly commentate your bowel movement for everyone unfortunate enough to be in the same public bathroom as you.
They won’t learn “please” or “thank you” for many, many months. But call one driver on Peisley Street a “motherf ****** s***head” and they’ll repeat that for their pre-school teacher, your mother-in-law and your elderly next door neighbour EVERYTIME they see them.
You now drink iced coffee. Not by choice of course, just because you ran out of time to drink it while it was hot and you can’t heat it up because the inside of the microwave is covered in spaghetti sauce.
Toddlers don’t sleep. They can’t possibly… what if they miss out on something? The only way they can eventually fall asleep is at the end of a five-hour car journey as you pull into your driveway, or in your bed, between you and your partner.
But, don’t worry, you will eventually have some time alone with your partner. Your parents will eventually step in and babysit so the two of you can finally reconnect. This is the night you will fall pregnant with baby number two.
Stay tuned for What To Expect with a Newborn and a Toddler. Spoiler alert: So. Many. Nappies.