privacy notice and more…
Tormented? Driven witless? Fear not, help is just a short letter away
LINGERIE’S HARMFUL EFFECTS
HELLO, E JEAN, My boyfriend had been asking me if I owned any racy underwear, so the other evening I surprised him in a sexy corset, stockings, etc. But the night didn’t go as planned. He was definitely surprised, and he seemed to like it; but he soon began saying he “didn’t feel well” and his “stomach pain felt like nerves”, and, well, that was that for the night. The next morning, he didn’t even make a move to seduce me before breakfast – which he always does when he stays over. But he did compliment me on the “plain” T-shirt and undies I was wearing. Had he been intimidated the night before by the beauty of my lingerie? Or overwhelmed? Frankly, I have no idea. – Don’t Understand Men DON’T, MY UNSULLIED DARLING You need not know a single thing about men to understand it wasn’t the “beauty” of your corset. The business that unsnapped your lad’s garters was Anton Chekhov’s gun, viz: if you introduce a gun in the first act, it had better go off in the next act. The fabled ELLE fact-checkers will say I cherry-picked Chekhov’s quote. СМЕШНОЙ! (Translation: Hee-hee.) Many variations of this quote swoop around Google like seagulls, and if the fact-checkers let me keep this version, I’ll buy them a drink.
Anyway, Chekhov’s gun is your corset. The moment Mr Boyfriend clapped eyes on it, he knew the thing had to go off. He also knew he’d be expected to ravish you as you’ve never been ravished before. And when chaps are expected to ravish ladies, most do so with the vigour of wild dogs. But some are utterly unmanned. I think the fact your lad knew he was supposed to find your get-up sexy made it not sexy to him. So of course he cottoned to your “plain T-shirt and undies”.
Note: A plain tee and underpants is one of the most alluring outfits in history. Look at any photo of Jane Birkin in a T-shirt, with the sleeves rolled (!) and no bra. Or the classic white cotton job Jill Clayburgh wears to dance in An Unmarried Woman. Or the strength of Sigourney Weaver’s powerful body in her fragile white undies and sleeveless tee at the end of Alien. Indeed, corsets may not be the sexiest thing on earth.
WEIGHT OF THE WORLD
DEAR E JEAN, A year ago, I got a great new job and moved to a new city. I’m very happy with my new life except for one thing: I can’t stop eating. It began with consuming small extras at meals. Now I overeat regularly, to the point of bursting. Even when I feel full, even when I feel sick, I continue to binge on sugary, unhealthy foods. When I come home, I go straight to the pantry and pillage, eating bags and bags of junk food.
I’ve tried everything to stop – exercise groups, meal plans, hiding the food – and I’m successful for a day or two, but then go back to gorging. Please help! I’ve always been slim, but because of my binge eating I’ve gained 7kg in a very short time. – Getting Desperate GETTING, MY GOJI BERRY Deciphering why you have “bags and bags of junk” in the pantry sent old E Jean into an amusing arrhythmia. (I finally solved the mystery; see further on.) But why you’re “pillaging” is obvious. Your new job creates stress, right? Now, you can be a good girl and do yoga, meditate or bungee-jump to relieve it. But galloping into the house after work and embracing Mr and Mrs Doritos is one of the sweetest remedies: research shows foods containing sugar and fat may blunt the body’s stress response. Also, you’ve exerted so much emotional and intellectual self-control at the office that by the time you get home, you’re out of willpower. Psychologist Roy Baumeister, in his famous 1998 study, showed tasks that require self-control are depleting – i.e. after expending the effort to impress a client, it’s harder to find the strength to pass up the cake being cut for someone’s birthday. Read Thinking, Fast And Slow by Daniel Kahneman for more insights into “ego depletion”. (I’ve found, along with about 200 million other people, that taking small hits of fruits and nuts throughout the day slows – and sometimes reverses – the depletion.)
But back to my first question: why is there junk in your pantry in the first place? The answer is in the last line of your letter: “I’ve always been slim.” You retain the buying habits of a young sylph. So here’s your rule: stop buying crap. If it’s not in the house, you can’t binge on it. And by “crap” I include all that rubbish you carefully select in the organic snacks aisle. Also, stick to foods that retain their virginity. By that I mean blueberries, not blueberry muffins. Good luck – you can do this!
THE MAN IS OUT THERE
DEAR E JEAN, I don’t mean this as a pathetic “poor me” question, but how do I come to terms with being alone for the rest of my life? How do I stop hoping that one day it will happen? I’m turning 30 this month