what I know about dating in 2016

Caught in the tyranny of Tinder? A captive of Ok Cupid? It may be heartening to know there’s still a human element to dating – yes, real-life Cupids willing to share their secrets to finding The One, or at least someone. We’ve gone straight to the source

Practical, Tinder-free advice on how to find The One in the modern age.

EMMA DANIELS

The Dear Pluto owner and event producer’s dating nights sell out faster than you can say, “It’s a match”. Think mood lighting, merlot and, you know, men. dearpluto.com.au

QUALIFICATIONS: I used to have a shop in Sydney’s Surry Hills where I’d host vintage sales, movie nights and markets. I was in a long-distance relationship at the time and basically just really lonely. So I started throwing speed-dating parties thinking that if I couldn’t go on dates myself, I could at least watch other people date!

CLIENTS: Mostly young creatives. Our speed-dating parties are pitched at 20- to 35-year-olds, and we get a lot of designers, media people, artists, writers and people working in events.

APPROACH: We make an effort to utilise unusual venues, typically warehouses or warehouse conversions, and collaborate with some of Sydney’s best DJS and party-throwers. Get a whole lot of single babes in a room and something’s bound to happen.

Before a dating night, I often get asked how it works, what they should wear and, usually with an undertone of urgency, if there’ll be alcohol. My answers are: you’ll find out, wear anything so long as it’s not a suit, and who do you think we are? When it comes to that first date in the real world, I personally like to hit up a little bar with low lights and attentive bartenders who’ll save me if I start furiously tugging at my ear. Meet early-ish, and if it’s going well, you can always move on to a slightly brighter local joint for dinner. Be respectful, honest, communicative and game. And just wear whatever you think you’ll be most comfortable in. I once had a bushwalking date with a lovely man and the comfort-card definitely trumped that day’s dress. Maybe pretend you’re on a perpetual bushwalk? At least then you’d be prepared for anything. That said, bushwalking in a tutu sounds like fun, too. Personally, if a person can’t see past what I’m wearing, they’re not the kind of person I’d want to date.

The only way to know what someone else is looking for is to ask them. It’s much easier than sitting there wondering, or waiting until you’re fully invested to find your desires don’t align. I find it funny that the large majority of us will more readily take off our clothes than talk openly about what we want.

If your date’s spending more time looking at their phone than your face, that’s probably not a great sign. But then they also may have just found a really great Insta-puppy... in which case, who can blame them? If you find you’re not interested, get the bartender on your side and work out an infallible escape plan. Or, you know, you could just say you’re not interested. I’ve left a date after a single drink before, not because it was unpleasant, but simply because I could. You should never feel any obligation to stick around or continue engaging with someone if you don’t feel like it.

There’s no use having a checklist, particularly on a first date when nerves can turn even the greatest people into car crashes. Also, we’re not always great at knowing what we want. So I think the best thing to do is just give it a little time and keep an open mind. Unless the person is very immediately and clearly a jerk.

I don’t believe in The One. Wait for a person who is your 100-per-cent-perfect person, and you’ll not only be embarking on a thankless search, but you’ll be robbing yourself of genuine connections with interesting, surprising, occasionally crazy but amazing people. And that’s not settling, it’s just accepting relationships take work and sometimes you’ll want to strangle the person. That doesn’t necessarily mean they aren’t right for you, it just means that person is a real person with as many flaws and quirks as you.

KAILA PERUSCO

An entrepreneurial spirit and an unorthodox approach means the founder of Conscious Dating brings a fresh take to the dating game with an emphasis on “keeping it real”. consciousdatingco.com

QUALIFICATIONS: I started running creative craft workshops around Sydney, usually for adults at night, and then two friends of mine who run [creative short-course hub] Work-shop asked me to collaborate with them on Craft Singles, where people craft while they date. It has a young boozy crowd in their early twenties and it started around the same time Tinder started being widely used. I soon realised there was a hole in the market for people who were down to earth, a bit older and maybe wanted a more long-term relationship, so we branched out and started Conscious Dating.

CLIENTS: We attract a late-twenties to late-thirties crowd. We do straight and gay events, and there’s been a huge demand for an over-forties one so I’m just finalising the details on that event as well. It’s usually people who have a bit of a level of self-awareness and an interest in being mindful, having good connections and cultivating good relationships.

APPROACH: I’m really interested in the science behind attraction, and I think when you start looking at that stuff – pheromones, ovulation cycles and personal experiences – they all factor into who we find attractive, so I find it a bit difficult to think that you could matchmake people in [the traditional sense]. I probably see myself as more of a facilitator than a Cupid. It’s just about bringing people together in the same room. It’s all face-to-face, it’s not online and you’re not uploading any information about yourself.

The idea of having a checklist, which often happens with online dating, is a bit unrealistic because the actual chances of finding that perfect someone who ticks all your boxes is a bit slim. It’s more about broadening your horizons and leaving your expectations at the door. We throw in different conversation challenges at our event so you usually can’t ask people what they do for work or where they live or where they grew up – it’s designed so we don’t sit down and put someone in a box.

Cinema dates are the worst ever. You don’t really get to talk to each other and you’re not even facing each other, it’s just kind of weird. You should start with beautiful surroundings, so whether that’s just keeping it chilled, grabbing a coffee and sitting in the park, or going to a nice restaurant – anywhere that’s not too loud because I hate when you go on a date and you have to yell at each other.

You have to own your own shit. Be aware that you’re not perfect, the person you’re dating isn’t perfect, no-one is perfect and everyone brings baggage to a relationship, but if you’re at least aware of your own particular brand of crazy, then you can manage it and deal with it when it comes up and just talk about it honestly, rather than try to hide that part of you away.

Everyone has one amazing outfit, right? Where you put it on and you’re like, “I’m killing it.” Wear that one [to the first date], whatever it is.

I find there’s a huge disconnect between what a lot of the media and press tell us what guys are after and what guys are really after. The whole idea of the fuck boy... we get inundated with that message and I just find in reality a lot of guys do want committed, long-term relationships as well; it’s just not as well represented.

In the early stages, if you don’t really have much to talk about or if the sex isn’t that fun – because, you know, passion has to be there from the start – that’s probably not a good sign.

I see women, my friends, thinking they can’t be truthful because they have to be nice all the time, or perceived as nice. I’ve sat through a date I really didn’t want to be in, because I couldn’t just finish it and walk

away. The moment you do say to someone honestly, and kindly, you’re just not interested, a weight comes off your shoulders and you feel so much cleaner. The whole idea of ghosting is not a good option because you’re just leaving little pockets of awkwardness all around town.

Finding a partner who’s willing to work on a relationship rather than abandon ship at the first sign of trouble is probably the most important thing to look for because it’s not always going to be fun times. I think if we all look at the relationships that have lasted in our lives, our grandparents or parents or whatever, a willingness to work on it is probably key.

I don’t think there is one Mr or Ms Right, but I think that how to know you’re in a good relationship is when both people are growing and finding emotional intelligence separately and together.

I know “consciousness” is a buzz word we hear getting thrown around a lot, but I think when two people are showing up and are aware of themselves and their baggage, willing to work through things and being present in the relationship, then that’s the perfect match.

SHIVAM SEN

Blue Label Life’s resident “Hitch” weighs in with a male perspective. bluelabellife.com.au

QUALIFICATIONS: I’ve always had a knack for telling my female friends how to get a man. I would naturally introduce my friends, family and new acquaintances, and before I knew it I had people coming to me for relationship advice. I have a passion for people and am a social person. I think being a good listener is a big part of my job success.

CLIENTS: Successful, intelligent professional men and women looking for a long-term relationship. My clients want marriage, children – for some it’s the first time, for others they want to get it right the second time round.

APPROACH: Blue Label Life offers a scientific approach; we have a values-based compatibility test that helps to determine the likelihood of longevity of a couple. It considers factors that are often overlooked in the honeymoon period of dating, such as financial goals, attitudes to spending, lifestyle habits such as smoking, drinking, exercise and travel, sexual compatibility, family values, and it looks at how compatible you are with TV shows and music.

There’s nothing I haven’t heard. Most people want someone like them: educated, intelligent, family-oriented, well-travelled. The most common question I get from women is, “Do men really want commitment?” – and they are bewildered as to why they achieve career success yet their relationships with men continue to fail.

First impressions count so the first date is super important. I recommend a nice bar or restaurant with a good vibe, music, lighting and food. Somewhere you can enjoy a drink, do a bit of people-watching and at the same time hear what your date is saying. For real adventure and outdoor lovers, think outside the square. Go for a picnic with some bubbly and a beautiful scenic view on a warm sunny day – even team this up with a tandem bike ride! The most important thing is that you have fun, keep your date lighthearted, and if things don’t flow as perfectly as planned, laugh it off! Coffee dates are a big no-no. It’s almost impossible to create chemistry over a flat white, and it’s very unimpressive.

Keep it real and focus on what you want. Talk about your goals, dreams, aspirations, look to the future rather than the past and avoid talking about the ex, the negatives or each other’s imperfections. Don’t expect the person you’re dating to tick every box or to be perfect. The early days of dating are the fun part so make sure you really focus on getting to know each other’s passions.

Men are pretty simple. Obviously they want someone they’re physically attracted to, but it’s not the be-all and end-all. The most important thing a man wants is a woman who makes him feel good and needed. Basically, if you don’t feel good around each other, it’s best to go your separate ways. Honesty is the best policy. Now with technology you have email, text, social media – it’s best to cut ties face-to-face, but if you can’t, the phone is your next best option. Tell your date what you like about them and that you appreciate them, and then the real reason it won’t work. Keep it short and sweet.

The best qualities in a partner allow for smooth sailing, someone who complements you, brings out the best in you and is there for you in good times and bad. Ideally you’ll get along with each other’s friends and family and want the same things out of life.

Funnily, nine out of 10 of my female clients aren’t sure about their future husband the first time they meet him. They like him, but don’t see themselves with him. That’s why I have my three-date rule. I encourage my clients to go on three dates before they make their final decision to allow time for the chemistry to kick in.

“The most common question I get from women is, ‘Do men really want commitment?’ – and they are bewildered as to why they achieve career success yet their relationships with men continue to fail”