YOU GOT THIS!
(LESSONS IN RESILIENCE
Swimmer Cate Campbell says she experienced the “biggest choke in Olympics history” when the race favourite failed to place in the 100m freestyle final in Rio. But as she prepares to take to the pool at the Commonwealth Games, she shares how she transformed her shame into a new outlook
“I went to my first Olympics when I was 16. I didn’t have the normal teenage, high-school life, but in saying that, I got to do things and see things that my classmates couldn’t even dream of. I looked “sacrifice” up in the dictionary and it says, “The surrendering of something of value in the hopes of obtaining something better.” If you’re not giving up something you value, then how can you possibly hope to achieve something great? For a long time, I was giving up things I cared about, but the things that I wanted, I valued more. However, it was very clear that when I started resenting the things I was having to sacrifice, that was the moment I needed to reassess my goals.
I took last year off competing internationally. I needed time to come to terms with who I was as a person outside of the pool, and what life could look like without that black line being such a major part of my every day. And I needed time away from the pressure and the public scrutiny and people’s expectations of me and my expectations of myself. Life was tough after Rio. I remember feeling this overwhelming sense of embarrassment and shame that I let myself and my country down, along with my friends and my family and everyone who has invested time into me. People would be congratulating me, saying, “You did such a good job,” or “You handled yourself so well,” and to me it was like nails down a chalkboard – that was the level of discomfort it caused me. I wasn’t proud of myself and didn’t feel like I was worthy of their praise.
I really felt like swimming had broken my heart. I felt betrayed. It sounds weird but I had given so much of myself to this thing, and it had completely let me down and I didn’t know who I was without it. It was like going through a break-up. I’ve been swimming for 10 years, so it’s like a 10-year relationship you’re having to come to terms with ending. I’m the eldest of five children so I’ve always been the responsible one, the one to look out for people and to look after them. But for the first time, I needed help and other people around me. It was an uncomfortable and vulnerable position. I guess I went through a bit of a quarter-life crisis, but it made me realise it’s okay to not be okay. I think it’s allowed me a greater understanding of when other people are going through things. Sometimes there’s nothing you can do to help someone except be there, to check in with them.
I feel like I’m a much better person for what happened in Rio, and I’m going to be a person a lot longer than I’m going to be a swimmer. People have helped me see that they respect me not just for my performances in the swimming pool, they also respect me for a whole heap of other reasons. For me, it’s about cutting myself a bit of slack. I’m finding enjoyment in other things rather than just swimming. I’ve started hiking and just got myself a kayak. I really enjoy music; I try to get out and support some local Australian artists and see a gig once every few months. I’ll get a haircut, because as a swimmer to have dry hair is a real novelty. We spend most of our time with wet, smelly, chlorine-infested hair, so to allow myself to be okay with spending time and money on myself is important. And I’ve started brewing my own kombucha! So I’m making sure I have other things outside of the pool that I’m putting energy into and enjoying.
Being back in the pool feels really good. I’m so pleased I took time off to figure out what life could look like, what I would look like without swimming. I now make time for breaks and to go travelling. I’m planning two big road trips around Australia this year, so that’s something to look forward to. There’s obviously the Commonwealth Games – to have a home games is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for me as an athlete. But I’m also studying media and communications, and later on in the year I’m actually going to dabble in the real world and ask to do some internships at a couple of different companies. I can see my swimming career wrapping up after 2020 and need a bit of a progression plan. It’s important to have things in and out of the pool that you’re striving for, so the Commonwealth Games in the pool and getting a real job outside of the pool – I think that’s it for this year!
I still don’t think I have realised my dream. Don’t get me wrong, there are milestones, achievements and things I’ve done along the way that I’m incredibly proud of, but I think that once I’ve realised my dream, I’ll close this chapter of my life and begin something else. The really beautiful thing about swimming, or about sport, is that as perfectionists we strive for perfection, but perfection doesn’t exist in any area of life. It’s a goal that’s unobtainable, yet you still want to keep trying for it. To achieve my dream will be when I get to a stage where I can look back on my career and be proud of everything I’ve achieved along the way, feel like I’ve given everything that I have to this sport and can walk away at peace with it.