THAT DON’T IMPRESS ME MUCH
THE UPS AND DOWNS OF UNDERSHARING
If you have ever – no wait – if you always come home from a party wishing you hadn’t told your friend’s half-sister that you’re $30,000 in debt and allergic to most brands of lube, it’s hard to believe there could be any kind of downside to saying nothing all night. But being an undersharer in a world that values revelation is not without hazard.
“Introverts are easily misunderstood,” writes Michaela Chung in The Irresistible Introvert: Harness The Power Of Quiet Charisma In A Loud World, adding: “Extroverts have laid claim on the definition of normal, leaving introverts to feel guilty for not fitting in... Many introverts come to believe that there’s something wrong with them.”
It’s not hard to see why. TMI can be exhausting, but also hilarious. The opposite can be boring, even rude – or so it seems to extroverts who find silence terrifying, interpret reserve as arrogance and feel judged when someone isn’t being actively effusive. And in social settings, the person who is silently reading the back of a sauce bottle seems like they’re not pulling their weight compared to someone sharing a super-detailed pap smear anecdote all in the name of fun.
“I’m absolutely an undersharer, and I don’t feel people share as much [with me] because there’s no give or take,” reveals a 36-year-old introvert who works in the loose-lipped world of fashion and, unsurprisingly, prefers not to be named.
“It can be socially isolating for people who are naturally private and reserved,” agrees Nejad. “Ours is an extroverted culture, but not everyone in it is an extrovert. It’s important to be mindful of the differences between people.”
And however it looks to an oversharer, not needing to talk about yourself is actually a sign of strength, according to researchers at The University of Texas who studied the relationship between self-concept and the use of the word “I”. They found people who use the pronoun often can be more self-conscious than those who limit their use of it. ”There’s a misconception that people who are confident, have power, have high status tend to use ‘I’ more than people who are of low status,” the researchers said. “That is completely wrong. The high-status person is looking out at the world and the low-status person is looking at himself.” Which to an introvert sounds kind of boring.
As Chung writes, “It’s such a rare thing in this world to find someone who is not constantly trying to impress someone, be liked or fill empty airspace with mindless chatter. A person who is completely, unapologetically okay with who they are and what they feel is like a beacon of light in the dark.”