THE VAGINA DIALOGUE

It’s time to talk about the V-word.

We’ve had Pussyhats and Instagram accounts dedicated to “Snatch” lookalikes, but 22 years after The Vagina Monologues,

it’s time we started talking openly about the V-word, say medics and bloggers Nina Brochmann and Ellen Støkken Dahl

“IT FEELS GOOD TO THINK A NEW GENERATION OF GIRLS MIGHT NOT HAVE TO EXCUSE THEIR MOST INCREDIBLE SUPERPOWER”

In Norway, where we’re from, the female genitals are often referred to as the “mouse”. It’s generally considered a rude term, but for some reason, we’ve developed an affection for it. Among friends, it sometimes gets called “disco mouse”, to describe what happens down there when you’ve been out dancing all night (more on that later). The word conjures up a happy little creature. And, much like a real mouse, it’s both cute and terrifying – and sometimes it needs to be petted.

“Mouse” may sound absurd, but in truth, every language has its euphemisms for the female genitalia, such as “pussy”, “cookie jar”, “flower”, “vag” and “snatch”. The last is the subject of popular Instagram feed @thatlookslikeasnatch, which compares everyday phenomena (from weather fronts to butternut pumpkins) to vulvas. But euphemisms may be getting in the way of the real deal and contributing to the many myths that surround the female reproductive organs. When Eve Ensler premiered the seminal play The Vagina Monologues in 1996, CNN did a 10-minute report on it and the presenters couldn’t bring themselves to say the V-word once. Twenty-two years later and something is still amiss. A recent survey by Thinx, a revolutionary company that makes period-proof underwear, found that one in three women feel uncomfortable even using the term “vagina”. But not only are women wary of talking about their bits, they’re not even sure of the proper name. “Vulva” may not be the world’s most commonly used word but, if you’re a woman, that’s the anatomical name for the bit between your legs (the vagina refers exclusively to the passageway used for giving birth or having vaginal sex, which excludes the centre of female pleasure and sexuality, the clitoris. And we wouldn’t want to do that).

The fact that the V-word is rarely discussed openly shouldn’t come as a surprise. Excusing our bodies and our most basic female functions is something we practise from a young age: we hide tampons up our sleeves as we sneak off to the toilet and say no to oral sex because we’re scared our own smell might put someone off. For this to change, we need to treat our reproductive organs for what they are: actual body parts that influence our lives and futures and deserve to be called by their proper names. It’s finally time to scrap the euphemisms, bust the myths and start having honest, open conversations about our vaginas. Sorry, vulvas.

As two experts on the subject, our own dialogue began when we met back in 2011. It was our first year in medical school and we had volunteered as sex-education teachers. It was the act of threading condoms onto polystyrene penises and drawing frilly hymens on whiteboards that consolidated our friendship. After talking to teenagers, refugees and sex workers about all things genital for four years, our blog, Underlivet – a Norwegian term that translates into both “the life below” and the slightly less poetic “the genitals” – was conceived. Despite having arguably the ugliest design in history, it became one of the most read health blogs in Norway.

Questions came pouring in from women in their twenties and thirties, with queries about odour, sexual desire, periods and hormonal worries topping the list. The questions showed that women needed a new round of uncensored sex education, outside of the classroom and updated to reflect their actual lives. The result was our book, The Wonder Down Under, which is now published in more than 30 languages. It turns out the world has a lot of questions it wants to ask about vaginas.

At the top of many women’s lists is periods, which in the past few years has become a hot political topic. Periods remain one of the major obstacles when it comes to gender equality across the world, including in Australia, where GST is still applied to tampons and pads. And it’s still something many people find difficult to talk about openly: 47 per cent of women interviewed for a recent survey said they preferred more “palatable” names for periods, including “time of the month”, “monthly visitor” and “Mother Nature”.

As the conversation moves forward, however slowly, companies like the UK’S Bodyform are finally listening. Last year, it made headlines by using – shock, horror – realisticlooking blood in its ads, instead of testing sanitary towels with a mysterious blue liquid. Thinx, which in 2015 made headlines because its ads even used the word “period” (sigh), is now covering the New York subway with statements such as: “Period-proof underwear that means you have one less NYC smell to worry about (LOL Is that too gross? We weren’t sure).” No, it’s not gross; it’s hilarious and exactly what’s needed. Healthy vulvas do smell, hence the “disco mouse” moniker – because anyone will smell a bit funky after a night out on the town or an hour at the gym. After all, most women worry about their smell to some degree, so laughing about it might be the key to reducing stigma and shame.

The ultimate sign that periods and blood have become legit is that girl-nextdoor stars such as Jessica Alba and supermodel Natalia Vodianova have made periods their new projects through sanitary care lines and period-tracking apps. A few years ago, who would have imagined that would become a celebrity cause? Not us. But Goddamnit, it feels good to think that a new generation of girls might grow up not having to excuse their most incredible superpower: that women actually bleed for days every month without dying or fainting.

But it’s not all about periods. Female pleasure is also drawing some welldeserved attention, with plenty of questions being asked about orgasms. It seems there is a hierarchy, with vaginal orgasms coming in pole position, while climaxing from clitoral stimulation is considered inferior. But this simply isn’t true. The physiological response to an orgasm in your body is the same, no matter how you’re stimulated. Also, most women don’t have orgasms from vaginal sex alone – in fact, it’s as few as 18.4 per cent of women, and it all comes down to luck in the anatomical lottery. (A quick biology lesson: women with a larger clitoral head placed closer to the vaginal opening seem to come more readily from vaginal sex, because the clitoris is indirectly stimulated to a larger degree during intercourse.)

It’s not just women figuring things out for themselves anymore, either. OMGYES – the fabulous instruction website for female orgasms that’s endorsed by Emma Watson – gets reviewed in the world’s major newspapers, pelvic floor exercises are standard practice in yoga and Pilates classes, and Gwyneth Paltrow even advocates putting jade eggs up there. All forms of masturbation and pelvic exercises should be applauded, because it’s the best cure for every problem in bed, be it poor body image, lack of desire or no orgasms. Although vagina eggs are the biggest nonsense we’ve come across (sorry, Gwyneth), it’s encouraging to see how brazen women are when it comes to taking control of their sexuality, expecting pleasure and orgasms as the norm, and doing something about it. It’s just worth remembering that fingers are free of charge, available whenever and don’t require batteries.

There are few things as exposing as sitting in a gynaecologist’s chair with, quite literally, a spotlight on your most holy hole. For us, it’s a job like any other. But we’ve lost count of the number of times women say, “I’m sorry I didn’t have time to wax,” as they climb into the chair. At times it feels as if we’re living in a dark, alternate, Black Mirror-style reality where a normal, hairy vulva is something to be offended by. A recent UK survey showed that one in three women aged 25 to 29 don’t attend their smear tests, with 34 per cent worried about the appearance of their vulva and 38 per cent of women concerned about smelling “normal”. Not only is this a huge worry in terms of detecting cervical cancer, it shows the pressures women feel to conform to beauty standards: to be hairless and odour-free, hide our periods and achieve impossible goals. Other people’s judgements of our bodies seem more important than our own.

In today’s sexualised culture, it can be easy to forget that our bodies are about more than appearance and performance, and that a naked body isn’t always about sex. It’s easy to base your self-worth on what you get up to in bed and the way you look. Women have wonderful bits down under and it’s there to be enjoyed, just the way you are, both alone and with a partner – or three.

FURTHER READING: The Wonder Down Under by Dr Nina Brochmann and Ellen Støkken Dahl ($32.99, Yellow Kite) is out now