SO YOU WANT TO OPEN YOUR RELATIONSHIP...

Let nonmonogamous author Carrie Jenkins be your guide

Writer and philosopher Carrie Jenkins – the host of podcast Labels Of Love and author of What Love Is And What It Could Be – successfully navigates her open relationship on a daily basis. But she says not everyone has mastered the balance, or transparency, often required. “I still find it common for people to tell me they’re in an open relationship but nobody else can find out because of their job/children/family/community, etc. There’s a huge mismatch now between how common open relationships are and how rare it is for an open relationship to be anything other than a secret. This is a vicious cycle: the stigma incentivises secrecy, but the secrecy reinforces the stigma by giving the impression that open relationships are weird, strange, rare things that ‘other’ people do.” Here, she provides a step-by-step breakdown of how to begin the process of opening your relationship (and how to figure out if it’s even right for you).

1. THINK AND FEEL

This is the hardest part. It’s kind of existential, but it’s the crucial first step that nobody else can do for you. What kind of life, what kind of love, what kind of relationship is meaningful to you? You need to think and feel into these questions.

2. UNDERSTAND THERE ARE LIMITATIONS

An open relationship is not a utopia, and not all closed relationships can or should be opened. If you are starting off in a closed relationship, it’s best not to make assumptions about how an existing partner will react to a conversation about opening it. Instead…

3. LEARN

Read books like Opening Up by Tristan Taormino, More Than Two by Eve Rickert and Franklin Veaux, and Rewriting The Rules by Meg-john Barker. Connect with information and discussion groups online or go to local meet-ups if they’re available near you. Every relationship is different, but a lot of the rookie mistakes can be avoided by doing your homework.

4. TALK TO THE OTHER PERSON/ PEOPLE INVOLVED

They need to do steps two to four as well, and you need to compare notes.

5. COLLABORATE

Once you decide to go for it, remember that a relationship is like a work of art, with more than one artist. Adopting a creative mindset can make all the difference to the rest of the process.

6. CUSTOMISE

Agree on what kind of relationship you want. Specifics are your friend. Some people use a formal “relationship contract”, others prefer to talk informally. Some like to think in terms of rules, others in terms of what they’re comfortable with. However you do it, customise the relationship for the people in the relationship. Step one matters so much here.

7. CHANGE

Relationships are living things. Think of them like a plant: it’s normal and good for them to grow and change. Plants that don’t do that are dead. Feed a relationship and expect growth and change.