Ask e jean

TORMENTED? DRIVEN WITLESS? FEAR NOT, HELP IS JUST A SHORT LETTER AWAY

THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM

I’m so embarrassed! I saw my co-worker’s penis. We have small, private-room bathrooms where I work, and I opened the door without knocking and walked right in when he was urinating. I screamed, “Sorry!” and ran out. When he reappeared, he was extremely red, and neither of us brought it up. That was two days ago, and we’ve sort of avoided each other ever since. The thing is, I’ve always thought he was hot and we’ve had flirtations in the past. Has this incident ruined it?

— SHOULD I BRING IT UP?

Up, honey. Oh, for God’s sake. It’s just a penis. There are 20 trillion of them on the planet. No need to mention it, but recommence the flirting – perhaps greeting him with a “Hi, Dick! I mean… (insert real name).”

SMALL TALK

Please help me before I end up stockpiling from the liquor store! I’m too quiet. I don’t know how not to be quiet. I have a hard time starting conversations with people in general – not just guys I like, but friends I’ve known for years. It’s even worse with my co-workers. How do I talk to people? Oddly, I’m not insecure. I don’t lack confidence – I lack people skills, and I’m afraid it’s going to ruin my chances for future achievement and happiness.

— THE QUIET GIRL IN THE CORNER

Quiet girl, my kumquat. Who says you have to talk? Just mumble a few “Mmmm-hmmms,” throw in “You’re kidding!” and “I put my Spanx on backwards this morning.” Add a few head nods, and that’s it. When you excel at the “Mmmm-hmmms,” move on to improv class. You’ll be terrified at first, but you’ll learn a thousand new ways to be spontaneous. Read Tina Fey’s Bossypants and Susan Cain’s Quiet. You can thank me – loudly! – later.

GOING THE DISTANCE

I’m mostly wary of men because I have a history of sexual abuse. This past year, I met a man and have fallen very deeply in love. (I didn’t think I was capable of it!) He’s extremely kind, generous, passionate, considerate, attractive and adventurous. But he is soon moving abroad to pursue his career. I am happy that he will be doing what he loves, Miss Eeee, but I’m so sad to lose him! He feels the same about me. I’m not interested in a long-distancerelationship – it seems irrational to commit to someone when we have no future plans to live in the same area. I’m so frustrated by it all! He wants to be in the mountains, and my life is by the sea. What are we to do?

— OCEANS BETWEEN US

Miss Ocean, my luv. What the hell are you talking about? Didn’t you surprise yourself when you fell in love? Your exact words: “I didn’t think I was capable of it!” And now you’re so hip, so slick, so wise in the ways of love you won’t even consider your boyfriend’s happiness? You refuse to try – repeat, try – a six-month long-distance relationship? Woman, pull yourself together and give it a whirl.

UNDER AGE

My husband said I look older than my sister, who is six years older than me. I’m very hurt. What should I do or say? — WILTING HERE

Wilting, my tulip. This is a problem that has plagued woman for thousands of years. Aunty Eeee has come up with a solution.

1. Never believe what a husband says about your looks (unless it’s a compliment).

2. Never care what a husband says about your looks.

3. Never ask your husband what he thinks about your looks.

4. If you want a man’s opinion, ask Tim Gunn.