PRI­VACY NO­TICE

TOR­MENTED? DRIVEN WIT­LESS? FEAR NOT, HELP IS JUST A SHORT LET­TER AWAY

ELLE (Australia) - - Contents -

HAND GRENADE

I have a crush on my best friend’s man. I’ve tried to be­have my­self, but one night the three of us got drunk at a char­ity event and my friend’s boyfriend in­sisted I stay the night with them. Not only did we all sleep in the same bed, he ini­ti­ated some “hand­craft”, which I then stupidly fol­lowed. Did I men­tion my best friend was in the same bed?

This sit­u­a­tion has been re­peated many times and I don’t know how to stop it! How do I re­di­rect my re­la­tion­ship with him be­fore it’s too late? I am aware he is a com­plete ass­hole. – CON­SUMED WITH GUILT Miss Guilty: For 25 years, Aunty Eeee has been fill­ing the very air with a hur­ri­cane of ten­der-hearted, god­like mercy. But I have a few words for you, my dar­ling: Get the hell out of that bed! If you don’t, Aunty will com­mence some “hand­craft” up­side your head! Stop blub­ber­ing about “redi­rect­ing your re­la­tion­ship” with the man; show your friend the re­spect she de­serves, tell her ev­ery­thing, and let her de­cide what to do with him.

But this can’t have hap­pened that “many times” with­out her know­ing, can it? Ei­ther way, do not ex­pect that your friend will for­give you. In­stead, draw up a list of your per­sonal stan­dards, take con­trol of your moral life and end this squalid lit­tle bed game.

FU­TURE PER­FECT?

I am 30. At 13, I fell in love from afar with an ex­tremely hand­some man. He is suc­cess­ful, good-na­tured, funny, rich, kind and so suc­cess­ful he’s al­most a celebrity. I’ve never met him, but trust me: I love him. – HOW DO I MEET MR PER­FECT?

Con­quer, my kumquat: My in­box is filled with long let­ters from women who live with guys who are per­fect. And 99.99 per cent of my cor­re­spon­dents are sick of them! Get a real chap with some flaws. They are less dip­shitty.

WORK­ING GIRL

My boss hates me! I just can’t please her. She favours the men in the of­fice. When they do some­thing wrong, she says noth­ing. If I make the slight­est mis­take, she storms around and rep­ri­mands me. She says I don’t fol­low direc­tions but I think she mis­con­strues my ini­tia­tive as in­sub­or­di­na­tion. Does she hate me so much that, de­spite the time and ef­fort I’ve been putting in, she will hin­der my chances for pro­mo­tion? – EN­TRY LEVEL FOR­EVER? En­try, my ea­glet: Of course your boss hates you. Depend­ing on the hour, the day and the sit­u­a­tion, your boss hates ev­ery­one on her staff, in her depart­ment, in her build­ing and in her city who dares thwart her rise to the top. Here’s your plan: 1. Don’t flat­ter. Don’t ca­jole. And for gawd sakes, don’t be in­ven­tive. Fol­low

her in­struc­tions and fin­ish your as­sign­ments in a smart, swift man­ner that makes her look good. 2. Tell her su­pe­ri­ors that she is a very

pas­sion­ate, wily leader. (And if you don’t let man­age­ment know this in such a way that it gets back to her, you are not the woman I take you for.) PS: Read Robin Green’s bad-arse book The Only Girl: My Life And Time On The

Mast­head Of Rolling Stone. It’s chock-full of ex­cel­lent ad­vice!

MUMMY DEAR­EST

My mother, who I adore, can’t hold a job and is a to­tally charm­ing free­loader. For as long as I can re­mem­ber, it’s al­ways been just the two of us, but now she has a male “friend” who has no job, no money and no car – and is 26. (PS: I am 26.) My mother and I share an apart­ment. I don’t make a huge salary, but I keep us afloat. What gets me is that this male “friend” stays at our apart­ment for free, eats free and drives our cars free. She’s blind to this man! E. Jean! I’m tried! Please help! – TOO NICE

Miss Too, dar­ling: The kind­est thing you can do is force your mother – a mag­nif­i­cent woman I deeply re­spect for get­ting away with this BS all these years – to stand on her own two feet. She’ll hate it, but it will help her plan for the fu­ture. As for her choice in men? That we can’t con­trol. So: move to a chic stu­dio apart­ment of your own, let your mother stay put and help her with the rent for the first few months. Then cease. Your new life is gonna be fab­u­lous!

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