Ask A Silly Question: Rob Lee

“I’m no music fan, but I can hum along to 1D”

Hi Rob. We’re doing this interview on April Fools’ Day. Did anyone try to hoodwink you this morning? Would you believe, my dad rang up earlier and asked if I would help to dismantle his snooker table. I thought that was a wind-up, but it wasn’t. It took us most of the day. It’s a massive, bloody heavy thing with slates on it. So no actual pranking? No. I don’t mind a prank, but April Fools’ Day is an amateur day to try one. Me and John Beresford got Alan Shearer with a great Noel Edmonds-style ‘Gotcha’ once. He had claimed that nobody would ever be able to catch him out. Do tell… We went out for dinner, and got Beresford’s sister to start harassing Alan. At first she was asking for autographs and for him to speak to her dad on the phone, and he was good as gold. But she kept coming back, trying to sit on his lap and get him to kiss her. He swore at her, and then we told him that she was involving the police. Eventually she pulled out a ‘Gotcha Oscar’. He took it all quite well, in fairness. Nicely done. FFT’S dad once pretended to saw his arm off, using a prosthetic hand. Is this taking things too far? No, that’s an absolute classic in my book. Hats off to him. You share a birthday with Harry Styles. What do you reckon he gets up to on the big day? I’m sure he has a great time. I’m 50 now, so I keep it quiet. I have to pick my battles with the booze, because a hangover wipes me out for a few days. I bet Harry’s all right, though. You can bounce back quite quickly when you’re young. If you hadn’t made it as a pro footballer, would you have liked to be in One Direction? Why not? It’s funny – you meet pop stars who want to be footballers, but a lot of footballers would like to be pop stars. I guess there’s a bit of a crossover. My daughter loves them, and I don’t mind them either. They’re catchy. I’m no music fan, but I can hum along to One Direction. Having made the half-century, do you reckon you’ll live to 100? I’d be extremely surprised if I make it to that age. I’m too stressed! The Queen may have made it to 90, but she’s got an easy life, hasn’t she? Indeed. Now, if a Premier League team was allowed one extra player but they were essentially a bungling citizen – let’s say Christopher Biggins – would it make sense to deploy them? I think it’d do more harm than good. Biggins would enjoy it, but he’d be rubbish. And Newcastle have enough rubbish players already. There are so many celebrities who think they can play football, but they’d all essentially be a hindrance. How many Bigginses – or ‘Biggi’ – on the pitch would it take to beat Real Madrid, do you think? 50? I don’t think 100 could do it. They’d have the weight of numbers, but the pros would find a way to get some goals from range. And they’d all start getting in each other’s way. It’d be fun to watch, but it couldn’t be done. Fair enough. Jamie Redknapp recently hung up on FFT during Ask A Silly Question after we asked whether he’d ever gone red after a nap. Do you think he’s taking life a bit too seriously? Hah, my God! I went very red in Barbados after a nap once. You’ve come from Newcastle, you’ve had a few drinks, you stay out in the sun too long – I’ve never learned. Which member of the great 1995-96 Newcastle side would fare best living in the wild? David Batty. He was a strange man and a hard little b ***** d. He was great fun when he was with the team, but he didn’t really socialise. I can see him covered in mud, taking down bears. He’d survive out there, no problem. Finally, when was the last time you did a vocal impression of a machine gun? When I was about 12. I’ve not had the need to do it recently. A shame. Thanks for chatting! No problem.

“They’d have the numbers, but I don’t think 100 Christophers Bigginses would beat Real Madrid”