A SCOTTISH GUIDE TO EUROS SURVIVAL
With most of the British Isles gallivanting around France this summer, it’s going to be tough to watch north of the border. Fourfourtwo hears the Pacific is nice this time of year…
TRUSTY SCHADENFREUDE
The simple strategy of vigorously supporting whoever England are playing will be the average Scot’s central coping mechanism. Ross will turn Russian, Stranraer Slovakian and Wick will whoop for fellow Anglo-loathers Wales. And the Auld Enemy themselves, with their track record of bungling self-destruction, will surely oblige with some pleasingly comedic method of elimination. Frankly, it’s almost as good as winning the thing.
ADOPT ANOTHER TEAM
Rather than simply going purple with rage and chanting “DIE, DIE, DIE!” every time poor old Roy Hodgson appears on telly, perhaps a more positive approach should be embraced. Either throw your weight behind brethren from the Republic or Northern Ireland, or steadfastly follow whoever you pluck out in the office sweepstake. A bowl of skinny frites, a waffle-maker and 12 bottles of Leffe and you’ll soon be feeling more Belgian than Poirot. Allez! Or, indeed, Gaan!
ADOPT ANOTHER SPORT
The legendary Tartan Army have been decommissioned for the summer, but surely they can be deployed to egg on some different sporting Bravehearts? Forget France and head instead to the European Fencing Championships in Poland, which take place at the same time as Euro 2016. Proud Scottish foil-wielders Mike Mckay and Sheila Anderson would surely be delighted to see 35,000 ginger-wigged lunatics turning up to cheer on their jabbing. En garde!
HEAD TO PAPUA NEW GUINEA
PNG are languishing in 198th place on FIFA’S latest ranking list, their national obsession being rugby league. They couldn’t care a fig about the beautiful game or Euro 2016, so there’s zero chance of a Scot being mistaken for an Englishman and quizzed about whether Nathaniel Clyne or Kyle Walker should play at right-back. Port Moresby is really quite lovely in June, and a flight from Glasgow takes a mere 29 hours, with stopovers in Helsinki and Hong Kong.
GO HIPSTER
It’s all about tournament debutants Albania this summer. You’ll be in good company if you watch the Eagles and join the ranks of the Tifozat Kuq e Zi, some of the most passionate national team supporters in Europe. Now, what rhymes with Sokol Cikalleshi?
HAVE A DIGITAL DETOX
The evidence suggests that staring at screens all day isn’t hugely healthy (so congrats if you’re reading this in print: it’s as good as doing press-ups). Instead of getting dragged into petty Euro 2016 Twitter hatred, Scots should spend four weeks striding through glens, scaling crags and drinking from babbling brooks. Avoid any Revenant-style mishaps and you can return to reality in July fully refreshed and none the wiser about Jamie Vardy being knighted.
HAVE A DIGITAL RETOX
Who needs proper life? Abandon the tedium of opening some gas bills, going to the toilet and listening to Clive Tyldseley by donning an Oculus Rift virtual reality headset during the France-romania curtain-raiser. Spend the next month wandering around your flat bumping into stuff, under the mistaken belief you are roaming the Milky Way as Supreme Commander Tony Spatchcock. Release the orcs!
HAVE AN ALCOHOLIC RETOX
A month-long bender has the same effect as a digital detox: it lets you remain in the dark about what’s going on in France – even if you’re watching it – and is a lot more entertaining than locking your Samsung in a cupboard. Time your first drink for the opening ceremony at the Stade de France, and sip a thimble-full of Buckfast every 20 minutes for the following 30 days, before booking in for rehab. And a liver replacement. Warning: this is risky.