Around the world in 12 stories
A pitch-invading Spider-man, Bulgarian aerobics and Phil Scolari randomly turning up in Belfast – 2017 is off to flier. Right, where to begin? Guam, of course...
1 THERE'S ONLY ONE MATCH HAPPENING HERE, SON Guam Dededo
As usual, all the big football news is in Micronesia. There’s nothing that makes a man more alluring than netting a goal for NAPA Rovers in the Guam Soccer League, so Ashton Surber capitalised on the moment: racing to the stand and unveiling a ‘Marry me?’ T-shirt, even getting on one knee and pointing sexily in the direction of his girlfriend.
She said “yes”, but the ref was less impressed, issuing Surber a yellow card and leaving him lumbered with a fine – just when he’s got a wedding to pay for.
2 YOU AIN'T PUNCHING OUR FLAG Australia Gosford
You know Tim Cahill’s trademark goal celebration, where he does a spot of shadow boxing with the corner flag?
A Central Coast Mariners ball boy decided that it wasn’t happening on his watch: when Cahill found the net for Melbourne City and darted over to the flag, the teenager plucked it out of the ground and cheekily held it out of the ex-everton man’s reach. Brave lad.
3 IS 'RED TIE' EVEN A THING? Nigeria Abuja
When the organisers of the African Player of the Year awards said ‘black tie’, it didn’t seem that hard to grasp.
Sadio Mané turned up in smart black suit and bow tie, as did Riyad Mahrez, but Dortmund striker Pierre-emerick Aubameyang somehow got it very wrong – confusing black for red and arriving in a garish red T-shirt and cap, as if he was off to some sort of pool party. In fairness, his luggage had got lost in transit. At least he stood out…
4 LET IT GO, MAN Italy Bergamo
When he’s not flying into two-footed tackles on his own four-year-old son on a beach (then posting the footage online), Atalanta’s Papu Gomez is busy customising his captain’s armbands.
Against Milan, he celebrated his love of gaming with an armband containing a picture of a Playstation: at Chievo, he marked his daughter’s birthday with a Frozen-themed garment. Fittingly, his performance was animated, too: he bagged a brace in a 4-1 victory.
5 SO SPIDER-MAN CAN FLY NOW? England London
It's only been a few months since Spider-man was spotted perched on top of a dugout watching non-league Nelson. This time he had bigger plans.
The superhero decided to run across the London Stadium playing surface midway through West Ham’s FA Cup clash with Manchester City, only to be comically taken out by another pitch invader. Sadly, the BBC cut away from the action as apparently nobody wants to see that kind of thing – er, everyone wants to see that kind of thing, guys.
6 DEFOE... AND ET England Sunderland
Jermain Defoe’s month on Instagram: cryotherapy at minus 135 degrees and pretending to punch the Incredible Hulk on the chin, as well as posing with ET.
Just your average month then, and the grin on Defoe’s face suggested he was loving his meeting with everyone’s favourite 1980s alien being. The picture attracted comments from his followers: we thought the one saying ‘nice to see Jermain taking Duncan Watmore out of the house’ was harsh, to be fair.
7 MEET YOUR NEW AEROBICS INSTRUCTOR, LADS Bulgaria Plovdiv
Bad news for the squad of Lokomotiv Plovdiv: extra aerobics sessions during the winter break. “Sorry boss, I’ve got the flu again, can’t make it in today.”
You sure? The aerobics instructor is Miss Universe Plovdiv 2014, Lidia Opalchenska. “Actually, I’m feeling better boss, what time does it start?”
8 RAINING CATS AND DOGS Mexico Pachuca
Nothing improves a match like an animal on the pitch, so the Liga MX game between Pachuca and Chiapas should go down as one of the games of 2017. Despite it being played inside a fully enclosed, modern 30,000-seater stadium, first a dog legged it on to the pitch, then a cat turned up, as if they were in some sort of covert tag team.
Undeterred, the dog then brazenly ventured into the first-team dressing room, where it posed for pictures as if it owned the place. The cheek of it.
9 IS THAT A FULL MOON? Spain Alcoyano
What do you do when your local rivals are awarded a penalty during a derby match? Climb to the front of the stand behind the goal, turn your back and moon at the penalty taker, obviously.
It worked a treat for Alcoyano after one fan did just that against Hercules – the visitors lost 3-0 after a rather distracted Chechu Flores ballooned his spot-kick over the crossbar. Arse.
10 NOT THE KING OF ACTING England London
If there’s one thing we’ve learned this month, it’s that Ledley King's chances of a career in Hollywood are very slim.
When Mark Wahlberg dropped into White Hart Lane during a spell filming in London, he randomly gave King an acting masterclass, helping him recite lines from Gladiator and Jaws. We do not think Ledley quite nailed: “You’re gonna need a bigger boat”. You are not supposed to say it with a smile, you’re about to be eaten by a shark...
11 “I SWEAR I SAW BIG PHIL ON THE 212 BUS” Northern Ireland Belfast
Surprising scenes at St George’s Market in Belfast: that bloke over by the fish counter, isn’t that Luiz Felipe Scolari?
Indeed it was the World Cup winner randomly pottering about, also turning up at a local blues night and on the 212 bus. Surely his big salary as Guangzhou Evergrande boss would fund a hire car?
Scolari’s son is a student in Northern Ireland, so Big Phil decided to visit for a whole two weeks. Maybe Belfast seems strangely exotic to a Brazilian.
12 GINI IN A BATTLE England Liverpool
More Instagram weirdness: Georginio Wijnaldum didn’t want to be outdone by Jermain Defoe’s ET picture, so he made his way down to Liverpool city centre, found the nearest stormtrooper and posed for photos holding a gun.
The Liverpool midfielder’s a big Star Wars advocate, so Gini was no doubt honoured when Everton supporters started singing, ‘You’re so Sith it’s unbelievable’ at him. That’s pretty much what it sounded like, anyway.