The Dions – Dublin and Celine

The ex-england international is sure his heart will go on – and he’s even eyeing the Booker Prize

“I DON’T KNOW WHY I GOT THE NAME DION. MAYBE MY MUM AND DAD WANTED A GIRL?”

Hi Dion. You invented The Dube – but have you ever felt the urge to launch into a percussive frenzy? Hi. I get The Dube out once a week, but I go into a percussive frenzy every day! I can get a rhythm out of anything. I’m always drumming the table, and once I start, I have to get that rhythm right. It drives my wife nuts. Would you agree you’re the greatest footballer/inventor of all time, or was that Craig Johnston? Hmm. I can’t even pretend to be in the same category as Craig, as he invented the Predator! He helped David Beckham bend the ball around the wall, so that’s maybe the best football invention ever. Is there anything you want scientists to hurry up and create? I’d love to invent a tablet that, after six weeks off at the end of the season, gets you fit again the day before pre-season starts. It would be amazing to avoid all of that running. It was torture. Are you concerned that technology is advancing so quickly that we will soon reach the singularity and be destroyed by machines? No, I think we’re going to find a way to work side by side. I think it’ll be all right. Do you have a pointless loyalty to the city of Dublin, Dion? Yeah, I do have a really soft spot for my namesake city. I love the place. It’s all about the Guinness, isn’t it? I love it. It’s the Irish lifeblood. I love the people, too. And do you admire the other famous Dions? Celine Dion? Dionne Warwick? You should be asking them what they think of me! They’re both great, though. Amazing voices. I don’t know what it is about Dions – there must be something to it. I don’t know why I got the name. You live with it. Thanks, Mum and Dad! Maybe they wanted a girl? Do you believe that your Heart Will Go On, like Celine? Oh stop it now! But yes, it will go on... What’s your karaoke song of choice? I don’t like karaoke. If I’m forced, I’ll do some Otis Redding. But I’d rather be at the back drinking a nice pint of real ale. Real ale, eh? So are you a Campaign For Real Ale man? [Chanting] REAL ALE! REAL ALE! That’s probably going a little bit too far for me, but I like to support local brewers and help the small businesses out. You surprised everybody by popping up on Homes Under the Hammer. Who recognises you more now: daytime TV devotees or Norwich City enthusiasts? The telly people. What often happens is, I’ll be in a supermarket and you’ll hear a lady saying to her husband, ‘It’s him, him off the telly!’ And the husband will come back with, ‘He’s not off the telly, he used to play for Villa and Norwich’. Then there will be some muttering and I’ll have caused a domestic. Super. If you could destroy the home of one enemy with a hammer, whose would you pick? That’s a violent question. Can I choose my own home? We’re doing some work at the moment so I’ll probably hammer down a wall. I’ll get somebody else to do the creative bit and build it up again. As a defender, I liked a bit of destroying. Your name’s an anagram of ‘Undo Bin Lid’. Do you take the bins out? Of course, always. You know what’s also an anagram of my name? Noid Nilbud! Ah, the old name reverse. Noid Nilbud sounds like a Scandinavian full-back. I reckon he sounds like a great author. Noid Nilbud, winner of the Booker Prize. Maybe it could be my pen name? Brilliant. Finally, who is the greatest bald man in history? I shaved my head due to two bald men: Michael Jordan and Eddie ‘Cleanhead’ Vinson. He’s a jazz saxophonist and so cool. He plays the kind of uncomplicated jazz that would make people love jazz, rather than hate jazz. The best sort! Thanks for chatting! No problem, cheers.