Shaun Derry discusses budgie jumpers and galactic warfare

Want to really annoy the EX-QPR midfielder? Get a cat to drag chicken dippers over his couch

“CATS ARE BASTARDS – IF THEY WERE BIG ENOUGH, THEY’D EAT US. I SAY THIS AS A CAT OWNER”

Hello Shaun. Can you pick a number for us, please? We’re going to put £5 on a horse at the 3.10pm Apprentice Handicap Hurdle at Nottingham races, which will take place during this interview. Hi mate. OK, let’s go for number four. That’s a nag called Space War. Space War? I’m not a horse racing fan, so I know nothing about it. Let’s see. What do you think are the chances of there being an actual space war over the next decade? It’s not looking too good, is it? There’s a lot of instability, politically. It’s pretty worrying. I’m not very political, I try to stay out of it. I make my judgements from afar, and most of them are quite ridiculous. But let’s hope that if there is a war, they keep it out in space and far away from Earth. Quite. Do you believe there is life out there Shaun, or is Earth a tiny pocket of life in a vast and empty universe? I think we’re all alone, I really do. I’d be very surprised if there was anything out there. But who knows? I watched the Star Wars trilogy and just left it at that, really. There are a few Star Wars-style bars in my village, by the way – Downe in south-east London. The drinkers there could hold their own against the aliens. Sounds terrifying. Now, would you rather own Zorba, the world’s biggest dog who is a 343lb mastiff, or Stewie, the world’s largest cat who is nearly two stone? Oh, definitely the dog – 100 per cent. Cats are bastards. If they were big enough, they’d eat us, you know? And I say this as a cat owner. That cat hates me and I’m not fond of it. Why, Shaun? It was my wife’s cat, so I inherited it. He’s 18 now and his name is Alf. He dragged chicken dippers all over my couch within the first week of living in my flat. The little fucker. He greased the thing right up. From day one, we’ve not got on. Harsh. You’re currently on holiday in Florida. What would you say are the optimum number of naps to have per day while away? I’m currently on three a day, much to my family’s chagrin. The key to it is the polarised sunglasses. And don’t go on a bed, go on a reclining chair instead. That way you can fool everyone – I’ve got Action Man eyes. We know someone who claims they can micro-nap while in a queue at the supermarket... I’m a good napper, though I wouldn’t go that far. Also, the supermarkets in America are just unbelievable. They’re called ‘publics’ and are the best shops in the States. I always end up buying something silly that I don’t need, like a fishing rod. I know less about fishing than horse racing. Do all food and drink rules go out the window when you’re on holiday? Are you enjoying a small mid-morning beer right now? I’m actually pretty healthy. My wife and I enjoy a couple of daiquiris in the evening, but that’s about it. And I go running a lot. I went out and did a 5k beach run last night, and came fifth out of 500 people. How’s that, eh? Very impressive. I think the average age in the race was about 55, though, so it’s not that much of an achievement. But the competitive spirit never leaves you. Do you kill mosquitos when you’re on holiday, or do you just let them get on with it? Mosquitos don’t come near me, so I let them bite my missus. Her face has really swollen up and she looks like a Star Wars alien at the minute. Nasty. What’s the worst sunburn you’ve ever had? Me and my daughter are both quite bad for missing a bit with the sun cream. I’ll have a nap and wake up with a hand print on me.

Is there anywhere you’ve been on holiday that you wouldn’t go back? I went to all those terrible places when I was young, 18-30s holidays. The likes of Magaluf and Playa de las Americas. Dark days, and I won’t be hurrying back. There’s this Twitter game where the most recent text you sent is your 2020 presidential campaign slogan. What’s yours going to be? Let’s have a look. My last text was just a big thumb up. That was to my mum. What does that suggest? Actually, that might work during these politically moronic times. The last one with any writing just says, “We are checking out on the 1st.” That might work, too. FFT’S last text reads, “I guess so.” It’s not the worst slogan I’ve heard. It could come after my thumb up slogan. True. What’s the most regrettable fashion decision you’ve ever made? Oh, there are just so many. When I was young, single and earning some decent money, I’d go shopping in ridiculously expensive places, where you basically buy a load of shit. I remember getting a really expensive yellow jumper with a budgerigar on the front. I thought it looked the bee’s knees, but I looked like a dickhead. When I met my wife, we had a fashion clear-out. She was quite brutal. That budgie jumper was on the mannequin in a charity shop window on Beckenham High Street for six weeks. No one wanted it. That’s cruel. Which motorway service station is your favourite? Cobham is an absolute cracker: junction nine of the M25. Although I don’t want to go back, because it often means I’m having a torrid journey to somewhere. There’s a great phone case accessory shop next to the toilet. I always end up buying a terrible one and get battered for it by my kids. I’ve got a horrible grey magnetic case from there. If you had to be banged up in a British prison for a year, which one would you choose? A classic like Strangeways, or the Scrubs? I think I’d go for Pentonville, as there’s a great bar just around the corner from there with a good ’90s jukebox. When I finally got out, I could pop in and put some Stone Roses songs on. She Bangs the Drums, probably. Excellent. And in miraculous news… Space War has romped home at 14-1! Can we make a donation to a charity of your choice, by a way of thanks? Brilliant! Shall we say the RSPCA, to stop the cats from eating us? Perfect. Thanks, Shaun. No problem.