Best & Worst: Norwich

Journalist and author Andrew Woods on Hugh Jackman, Alan Partridge and the keeper who changed his name

XI

BEST: Bryan Gunn, Max Aarons, Ian Butterworth, Duncan Forbes, Robbie Brady, Ruel Fox, Marco Stiepermann, Darren Huckerby, James Maddison, Ted Macdougall, Chris Sutton.

WORST: Michael Theoklitos, Ignasi Miquel, Jurgen Colin, Steve Walsh, Fernando Derveld, Papa Seydou Diop, Mike Milligan, Mark Fotheringham, Raymond de Waard, Gary Doherty, Dean Coney.

PLAYER

B: Martin Peters [below]: In terms of medals, our greatest player was a World Cup winner who put in a good shift at Carrow Road while spending his summers flogging windows. W: Michael Theoklitos played just once, but after conceding seven against Colchester in August 2009 he changed his name to Michael Theo.

MOMENT

B: Beating Bayern Munich away in the UEFA Cup – October 19, 1993. W: Losing at Portman Road virtually dropping us to the third (April 19, 2009).

KIT

B: Hummel’s kit (1984-85) had detail galore, yet was understated somehow. Nice V neck, some textured stripes and chevrons on the sleeve. Silk shorts. W: Xara made some horrifyingly dull kits in the noughties; 2001-02 was the nadir: the yellow of a past-its-sell-bydate mustard, framed by black piping. A kit as pisspoor as many of the players inside it.

NICKNAME

B: Daniel ‘Winnetou’ Farke, a name given him by his former boss at SV Lippstadt, as a nod to a native American character from a series of novels. This is German humour. W: Rob ‘The Charmer’ Newman. Rob was not an ugly man, but he was no James Bond. The nickname seemed to refer to his giant jaw, that framed his face like a JCB’S scoop.

GOAL

B: In terms of the right goal and the right occasion, it has to be Gossy at the

Olympiastadion [above]. That’s the one you’ll take to the next life. W: Bryan Gunn’s ‘air kick’ own goal at Portman Road in 1996. Oh my days.

CULT HERO

B: Currently Onel Hernandez [right], who’s fallen madly in love with Argos. W: Luciano

Becchio. An existential riddle. Nobody, including the man himself, really understood the concept of Luciano Becchio.

HAIRCUT

B: Daniel Farke’s raver-turnedantique-dealer curtains are a sight to behold. He looks like a man from a different era. The Neolithic era. W: Ian Butterworth’s frizzy sideparted bouffant had the wiry texture of a guinea pig’s back.

SEASON

B: 1992-93. Going to all the big grounds and having zero fear. W: 2008-09. Glenn Roeder’s magic carpet ride to hell, or League One.

CHANT

B: (To the tune of London Bridge Is Falling Down) Simon Lappin, King of Spain, King of Spain, King of Spain, Simon Lappin, King of Spain, He looks

Spanish (copyright James Henderson) W: The Monkees’ Daydream Believer

pastiche that tries to shoe-horn in the name of every current Ipswich manager, never mind the surfeit and clunkiness of those pesky syllables.

AWAY TRIP

B: The 5-1 win at Portman Road in 2011 was that special moment when the ‘fruit machine of life’ just kept spitting out gold nuggets. W: Fulham in 2005. A 6-0 relegation horror show.

AWAY-DAY DRINKS

B: The Faltering Fullback behind Finsbury Park. W: The Springbok near Loftus Road. Like drinking inside a pauper’s coffin.

GAME

B: The Milk Cup semi final, second leg win against Ipswich (March 1985). W: Man United tearing us apart in

1993 before going onto win the title. Gloating United fans everywhere.

FACIAL HAIR

B: Grant Holt’s Movember hamster. W: Dale Gordon’s Kid Creole pencil ’tache.

MANAGER

B: Mike Walker took us through the looking glass to a world of dormice and talking rabbits. W: Glenn Roeder. Cocksure idiot aiming his hose at anything remotely exciting.

CELEBRITY FAN

B: Hugh Jackman. Not sure he really understands football, but Wolverine claims to be a City fan. W: Alan Partridge [above]. He’s from Norfolk, as you may have noticed, but it’s strongly suspected that he doesn’t support City. Probably a Liverpool fan.

HARD MAN

B: Craig Bellamy. A lot of spunk for a wee fella. Like an angry bobcat. W: Raymond de Waard. A winger with all the brute force of a rag doll.

SIGNING

B: Darren Huckerby signing for Norwich felt very emotional. W: Ricky van Wolfswinkel. There has never been as much anticipation as when this man arrived at Carrow Road in 2012 for £9.45m. Sadly, he barely deserved his car park space, in a spell that could be best described as a ‘death dance’. His agent was last seen selling fidget spinners.

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