MEET MINCE

It’s football, Jim, but not as we know it

PETER BEARDSLEY The former Newcastle forward (above) is re-imagined as a morose, downtrodden, egg-obsessed loser, taking solace in the beauty of a solitary buttercup, possibly while his domineering wife cavorts with Mark Lawrenson. “I’ve got to turn things around for Peter,” says Mortimer ruefully. MARK LAWRENSON

Visits the Beardsleys, but the suspicion is he’s not just there for the eggs. Unusually, it’s a fairly authentic impression of the dour pundit. “We know Mark is aware of it because his son’s a big fan,” says Dawson. “I think Mark is bemused by podcasts in general, but he quite likes that it’s a thing.” STEVE MCLAREN

Ably assisted by Casper, his pet snake, the effete Mclaren remains in thrall to angry chairman Mr Fernandes, culminating in a memorable serenade. “I don’t want to make it too football so I just thought he had a snake,” reveals Bob. “Sometimes if you do an individual, you need two voices – a foil for him to express his weakness. He’s left QPR in good nick laundry-wise. Carpet-wise, he’s got rid of the laminates and put in some good deep pile carpet.” MR FERNANDES

With a mouthful of cotton wool, Mortimer transforms the Hoops’ head honcho into a Marlon Brando-style boss, incensed by the ineptitude of outgoing gaffer Mclaren. GANGS OF THE EPL

In a rare detente between raging mobs, Eric Dier, “Debbie” Alli, Harry Kane, Jordan Henderson and Phil Jones all meet round Kane’s mum’s house to eat some hotdogs and practise that monocle celebration. ADRIAN LEWIS

The two-time PDC World Darts champion drops into the Alexandra Palace branch of Slaughter’s for his traditional meat feast, as prepared by the legendary Ron Craggs.