FIVE-POINT PLAN

1 WIN AT HOME

It sounds simple, but apparently it’s a conundrum so tricky that a coaching staff with around 250 years of experience between them can’t solve. Hang on, perhaps our coaching staff are too old! I did a fans’ Q&A in May with Roy Hodgson, who said, “Please don’t ask me about the home form.” I was happy to oblige, so I asked him about Russian literature instead. Unfortunately, every single supporter who put their hand up said, “Why can’t we win at home, Roy?”

2 TRY NOT TO LOSE SEVEN OF YOUR FIRST EIGHT GAMES

Again, this is apparently much easier said than done. No football fan wants to be working out relegation permutations before September is over. Last season we exited Craven Cottage happy after a comfortable 2-0 victory, unaware that Fulham were a terrible side. Six weeks later we roared with relief after drawing against Newcastle at Selhurst Park. That can’t be right.

3 BRING IN A STRIKER WHO GUARANTEES YOU MORE THAN ONE GOAL A SEASON

Christian Benteke looks like a striker, he runs around like a striker, he jumps like a striker – but then the warm-up finishes, and so does any resemblance to a striker. He’s a lovely lad by all accounts and I don’t like to criticise, but, you know, those goals are quite big. You’d think, statistically, that at least three of his half-arsed attempts would go in per season.

4 DON’T LET CRAIG PAWSON OFFICIATE OUR MATCHES

The man clearly hates us. I don’t know if he was once let down by a partner in south London or couldn’t handle the hot sauce on a Thornton Heath kebab, but he is taking revenge game by game. I never thought there would be a rival to Mark Clattenburg, but my God, Pawson is giving it a go.

5 DON’T ALLOW VAR AT EAGLES GAMES

Palace won a lot of penalties last season, and some refs looking at video replays could get the erroneous impression that one of our men may be maximising falling-down opportunities.